Its raining here and its bitter cold.
Last night I went to say bye to one of my gals who is of now on the road back to school. I will be making a trip to see her in a few weeks for her 21st birthday. I am broke and really can't afford the trip, but your 21st must be the bomb, so I will find a way to make the cash in time to hop a train. Its like a 10 hour ride, but I don't care. I am gonna smuggle my liquor on board, as well as get stoned as fuck before we depart from the station. I'll be all sobered up by the time I reach my destination.
I feel like a real asshole. I have totally neglected the girl I refer to ass my best friend. I have not seen her since the first week in december. I just have not had it in me, and just saying that makes me frown, cause how can a person not have the energy to see someone she refers to ass her best friend? I'm a dick, and I know it. The history of this girl and I-I will just call her 'Pickles' a nickname she was dubbed with last year due to her love of the fuckin things. Pickles and I have known eachother since middle school and have always had a very intense,a bit unhealthy, relationship with one another. We shared a lot of the same traumas growing up, and I think this has something to do with it. Bbecause the traumas shaped the people we are now, we hold similiar views of ourselves and those around us. She is first person I have ever told about the incest-she is the only one who knows the whole story. I was the first person she told about her incest-she told me when we were like 13 or something. I have always held Pickles on a pedastal as the image of purity and innocence. Ii have always felt incredibly maternal towards her and therefor protective. Even after it became clear she was not at all innocent, part of me would always hold her in my minds eye that way, which would and probably will always cause me to go into a state of shock when Ii hear or find out all the shit she has been doing on the d.l.
She has told me, and I had already speculated that I was put on a pedastal to. I was the protector from the start, the leader. In time, while Pickles has grown into her own, and proven that she can hold her own, I still feel as if my actions have a influence on her, and I do not like it like I use to. When we were younger she was always painfully shy and quiet. I on the other hand was loud and brash, and always demanded attention. Picture Courtney Love when she harrassed Madonna at the VMAs or Angelina Jolie in Gia. Ok, I am still Angelina in Gia, but anyway, by the end of middle school you could see Pickles totally coming out of her shell and it was great. Unfotunetly over the past years the things she has done out of that shell. I do not mean to judge, but I mearly intend to speak as a observer-a observer who cares. I don't know, I know she is not happy with her life, and I don't know what will become of her at all, and that makes me sad. Our lives always mirrored one another, even when we wer enot in contact. I had a abusive boyfriend for several years, so did she. When I broke up with him, I knew that it was only a matter of time for she followed suit, and I was right-a month to the date. Ii went back to school, so did she. I said I was sick of school, suddenly she stops going to her beauty school. I sleep with my boss (opps!) after almost a year short of being a born again virgin, and like a week later she sleeps with her ex, she was a about to be born again too! Then I start seeing my boss (that would be Keith, the lost boy) who has a motorcycle and all these loner qualities and suddenly she is dating this guy who drives a motorcycle too and is all set on dieing a bacholor. These little "coincidences" have been happening all our lives with one another, and sometimes I just think it is because we are so closed (personally I think its fate that keeps us together), but I also still feel I influnece her, and it seems not my best actions are the ones she follows. Like the school thing, or the drugs, the smoking. I mean there was a time I lived to go to clubs, and now she lives at the fucking bar! Why can't she imitate me having my own place, or keeping a job, or going to school or anything positive. Its too much pressure sometimes so I stopped telling her the details of my life, the other people in it. I want her around, but I want the actions she makes to be true to her, not me. I would not love her any less if she decided to go join the circus or whatever, if that is what she felt she was meant to do. So, for the past several months I have been really stepping back from her, and it was ok. We hung out and talked via phone, but recently, after she saw Keith and I were not playing the game of "are we in a relationship or arn't we" and actually got serious about one another/what we were doing with one another, she ditched the guy with the motorcycle and suddenly took up this kid from the bar she knew. Now they are together, and I would be happy fo rher but its such bullshit you guys, cause I asked her so many times "what is the deal with this barboy and what about the motorcycle man?" and she would tell me barboy was in love with her but she just liked him as a friend and her and motorcycle man were still playing games. I told her if barboy was in love with her and she wasn't into him like that she should not drive his car and sleep at his house, cause then he'd want something from her "catch my drift" but she insisted it was not like that. I said "ok" cause I have done stuff like that for peeps before and not expected anything back, but I am not the norm, so why would I have been surprised over what happened next with Ms. Pickles. So one day, she calls me on my cell and I am driving home from the gym and I am just singing songs to myself doing whatever while I dirve. She asks me how are me and the lost boy and I don't want to tell her anything, because she i firmly believed had a helping hand in the demise of me and the last kid I was kickin it with-another long, but pointless story I will not go into. "Has anthing new happened with that" she asks me, " or is it still the way it was, your fuckin but you don't really know what that means" So, I wasn't going to lie and I briefly told her that now I was officially his girlfriend, and he was my boyfriend (does it not sound like I am in middle school and just got pinned or some shit). "Really!?" I could hear her surprise. "You never told me that?" "Well" I tried to downplay it all " its not really anything different then before. I am not married or anything. I'm just like you know the girl now-like he isn't gonna be with anyone else, and I havn't been with anyone else and am not pursuing that. I mean we can not be more active with eachother is all now-like I can be there for him and not worry about over stepping my bounds since before I was afraid I was still just like..a ho to him or whatever."
"Thats great" she goes " You happy?"
"Well yeah" I say still cautiously "I mean, I was happy before too. Ii mean he is not an extention of me or my life or what I have to do and he has his own shit to deal with. We just care about eachother is all."
"Right, thats cool."
A few days go by and once again, Ii am talking to her via cell as I drive home from the gym and what does Pickles tell me?? She is barboys girlfriend now!
"WHAT!!" I nearly barf out. "You said you didn't like him like that and he and you had a understanding and what the hell, what about motorclycle man?"
and she's like "I never said that, he's been my boyfriend for awhile."
"But when I asked you last time, you said no"
"I must of thought you were talking about Trailer park Tommy" (thats are friend who lives in a trailer park, who is also gay!)
"Why would you think I was tlaking about Tommy. We all know he's gay." Ii ocntinued to repeated back the converstaion we previously had about her and barboy. My points clearly proven, she was a bit stunned and did not know what to say.
"I guess I must of thought we were talking about something different."
I was borderline livid, because she does this shit all the time, but then I ithought why am I mad, this has nothing to do with me or my life, and I don't care about barboy-other then the fact he is a person. So let her shack up with him. But I do care about Pickles and I don't think she likes Barboy like that at all. I think she likes being liked and that scares me so bad, because she is very likeable. She's pretty and stylish and crazy fun. Men like her, but a lot of the time its bad men-men who can sense she's wounded. I don't know why people can sense that in her, or why they can sense it in me. Its something about the eyes I think. Anyway, I have learned you can't just be so fucking appeased by every guy who tells you you are the most gorgeous girl-give me a motherfuckin break!!!!!!!!!! I didn't like motorclycle man either, because he was playing games with Pickles and making her cry, but I liked a little cause he had his shit together and demanded that the women he committed to would have the same. When Pickles was sweatin him, she really seemed to get her shit done. She was going to her therapy on time and runnin her errands and trying to see shit about her future-she's a really good artist, and would be a hell of a tattoist if properly trained. Anyway, I did not like to see my girl hurt, but I loved that she put some fire into her step and got a move on.
In life we are not in competion with one another but ourselves.
Like I said, Ii do not care what the hell she does with ehr life if she is happy with her life, but she says she is unhappy and therefore, she is doing something wrong!! So anyway, I know how Pickles is with guys and Ii can't stand these boys, these retarded boys who are just such fucking dorks, and I will not waste my dinnertimes with them, and my time with her while they sit there and swoon over her. Its pathetic and beneath her. I got sick of having a fan club of boys a long time ago-more accuretly, I got sick of dating members of my fan club. It will always leave you wanting-wondering why they really are with you ect. Its like celebrity-its fake.
I love Pickles so I will hold my tounge, but I will not promote anything that I do not believe in and so I have not really spoken with her, because thats all she can talk to me about and when I ask her about shcool, or her art, or anything she has nothing to share, and it makes me angry cause its a waste of this beautiful person, and waste makes me sad. Ii hate being sad.
Still, I know I am hurting her feelings casue I clearly make time for everyone else, and not for her, and thats not a good friend, and I feel fucked up for doing so. Not to start spitting about God and Jesus and what again, but here me out, taking in the fact I firmly believe in this. If Jesus (when he was on Earth) only dealt with people when they did things to his liking, then well, I guess he would be like all of us and then he wouldn't be really worth writing a new testement on or making a whole religion based on..but I just mean to say is, that a real friend loveth at all times, and so I must be there for Pickles. I mean who cares what I think. I don't care at all what she thinks about my life-I really don't. I just care that she knows I love, and think she's such a great girl and I am happy she is in the world and in my world more importantly. I gotta just bite the bull it and bare this shit. Ii got to keep one of our dates. I am being a total shit-and I know it.
PEACE
Last night I went to say bye to one of my gals who is of now on the road back to school. I will be making a trip to see her in a few weeks for her 21st birthday. I am broke and really can't afford the trip, but your 21st must be the bomb, so I will find a way to make the cash in time to hop a train. Its like a 10 hour ride, but I don't care. I am gonna smuggle my liquor on board, as well as get stoned as fuck before we depart from the station. I'll be all sobered up by the time I reach my destination.
I feel like a real asshole. I have totally neglected the girl I refer to ass my best friend. I have not seen her since the first week in december. I just have not had it in me, and just saying that makes me frown, cause how can a person not have the energy to see someone she refers to ass her best friend? I'm a dick, and I know it. The history of this girl and I-I will just call her 'Pickles' a nickname she was dubbed with last year due to her love of the fuckin things. Pickles and I have known eachother since middle school and have always had a very intense,a bit unhealthy, relationship with one another. We shared a lot of the same traumas growing up, and I think this has something to do with it. Bbecause the traumas shaped the people we are now, we hold similiar views of ourselves and those around us. She is first person I have ever told about the incest-she is the only one who knows the whole story. I was the first person she told about her incest-she told me when we were like 13 or something. I have always held Pickles on a pedastal as the image of purity and innocence. Ii have always felt incredibly maternal towards her and therefor protective. Even after it became clear she was not at all innocent, part of me would always hold her in my minds eye that way, which would and probably will always cause me to go into a state of shock when Ii hear or find out all the shit she has been doing on the d.l.
She has told me, and I had already speculated that I was put on a pedastal to. I was the protector from the start, the leader. In time, while Pickles has grown into her own, and proven that she can hold her own, I still feel as if my actions have a influence on her, and I do not like it like I use to. When we were younger she was always painfully shy and quiet. I on the other hand was loud and brash, and always demanded attention. Picture Courtney Love when she harrassed Madonna at the VMAs or Angelina Jolie in Gia. Ok, I am still Angelina in Gia, but anyway, by the end of middle school you could see Pickles totally coming out of her shell and it was great. Unfotunetly over the past years the things she has done out of that shell. I do not mean to judge, but I mearly intend to speak as a observer-a observer who cares. I don't know, I know she is not happy with her life, and I don't know what will become of her at all, and that makes me sad. Our lives always mirrored one another, even when we wer enot in contact. I had a abusive boyfriend for several years, so did she. When I broke up with him, I knew that it was only a matter of time for she followed suit, and I was right-a month to the date. Ii went back to school, so did she. I said I was sick of school, suddenly she stops going to her beauty school. I sleep with my boss (opps!) after almost a year short of being a born again virgin, and like a week later she sleeps with her ex, she was a about to be born again too! Then I start seeing my boss (that would be Keith, the lost boy) who has a motorcycle and all these loner qualities and suddenly she is dating this guy who drives a motorcycle too and is all set on dieing a bacholor. These little "coincidences" have been happening all our lives with one another, and sometimes I just think it is because we are so closed (personally I think its fate that keeps us together), but I also still feel I influnece her, and it seems not my best actions are the ones she follows. Like the school thing, or the drugs, the smoking. I mean there was a time I lived to go to clubs, and now she lives at the fucking bar! Why can't she imitate me having my own place, or keeping a job, or going to school or anything positive. Its too much pressure sometimes so I stopped telling her the details of my life, the other people in it. I want her around, but I want the actions she makes to be true to her, not me. I would not love her any less if she decided to go join the circus or whatever, if that is what she felt she was meant to do. So, for the past several months I have been really stepping back from her, and it was ok. We hung out and talked via phone, but recently, after she saw Keith and I were not playing the game of "are we in a relationship or arn't we" and actually got serious about one another/what we were doing with one another, she ditched the guy with the motorcycle and suddenly took up this kid from the bar she knew. Now they are together, and I would be happy fo rher but its such bullshit you guys, cause I asked her so many times "what is the deal with this barboy and what about the motorcycle man?" and she would tell me barboy was in love with her but she just liked him as a friend and her and motorcycle man were still playing games. I told her if barboy was in love with her and she wasn't into him like that she should not drive his car and sleep at his house, cause then he'd want something from her "catch my drift" but she insisted it was not like that. I said "ok" cause I have done stuff like that for peeps before and not expected anything back, but I am not the norm, so why would I have been surprised over what happened next with Ms. Pickles. So one day, she calls me on my cell and I am driving home from the gym and I am just singing songs to myself doing whatever while I dirve. She asks me how are me and the lost boy and I don't want to tell her anything, because she i firmly believed had a helping hand in the demise of me and the last kid I was kickin it with-another long, but pointless story I will not go into. "Has anthing new happened with that" she asks me, " or is it still the way it was, your fuckin but you don't really know what that means" So, I wasn't going to lie and I briefly told her that now I was officially his girlfriend, and he was my boyfriend (does it not sound like I am in middle school and just got pinned or some shit). "Really!?" I could hear her surprise. "You never told me that?" "Well" I tried to downplay it all " its not really anything different then before. I am not married or anything. I'm just like you know the girl now-like he isn't gonna be with anyone else, and I havn't been with anyone else and am not pursuing that. I mean we can not be more active with eachother is all now-like I can be there for him and not worry about over stepping my bounds since before I was afraid I was still just like..a ho to him or whatever."
"Thats great" she goes " You happy?"
"Well yeah" I say still cautiously "I mean, I was happy before too. Ii mean he is not an extention of me or my life or what I have to do and he has his own shit to deal with. We just care about eachother is all."
"Right, thats cool."
A few days go by and once again, Ii am talking to her via cell as I drive home from the gym and what does Pickles tell me?? She is barboys girlfriend now!
"WHAT!!" I nearly barf out. "You said you didn't like him like that and he and you had a understanding and what the hell, what about motorclycle man?"
and she's like "I never said that, he's been my boyfriend for awhile."
"But when I asked you last time, you said no"
"I must of thought you were talking about Trailer park Tommy" (thats are friend who lives in a trailer park, who is also gay!)
"Why would you think I was tlaking about Tommy. We all know he's gay." Ii ocntinued to repeated back the converstaion we previously had about her and barboy. My points clearly proven, she was a bit stunned and did not know what to say.
"I guess I must of thought we were talking about something different."
I was borderline livid, because she does this shit all the time, but then I ithought why am I mad, this has nothing to do with me or my life, and I don't care about barboy-other then the fact he is a person. So let her shack up with him. But I do care about Pickles and I don't think she likes Barboy like that at all. I think she likes being liked and that scares me so bad, because she is very likeable. She's pretty and stylish and crazy fun. Men like her, but a lot of the time its bad men-men who can sense she's wounded. I don't know why people can sense that in her, or why they can sense it in me. Its something about the eyes I think. Anyway, I have learned you can't just be so fucking appeased by every guy who tells you you are the most gorgeous girl-give me a motherfuckin break!!!!!!!!!! I didn't like motorclycle man either, because he was playing games with Pickles and making her cry, but I liked a little cause he had his shit together and demanded that the women he committed to would have the same. When Pickles was sweatin him, she really seemed to get her shit done. She was going to her therapy on time and runnin her errands and trying to see shit about her future-she's a really good artist, and would be a hell of a tattoist if properly trained. Anyway, I did not like to see my girl hurt, but I loved that she put some fire into her step and got a move on.
In life we are not in competion with one another but ourselves.
Like I said, Ii do not care what the hell she does with ehr life if she is happy with her life, but she says she is unhappy and therefore, she is doing something wrong!! So anyway, I know how Pickles is with guys and Ii can't stand these boys, these retarded boys who are just such fucking dorks, and I will not waste my dinnertimes with them, and my time with her while they sit there and swoon over her. Its pathetic and beneath her. I got sick of having a fan club of boys a long time ago-more accuretly, I got sick of dating members of my fan club. It will always leave you wanting-wondering why they really are with you ect. Its like celebrity-its fake.
I love Pickles so I will hold my tounge, but I will not promote anything that I do not believe in and so I have not really spoken with her, because thats all she can talk to me about and when I ask her about shcool, or her art, or anything she has nothing to share, and it makes me angry cause its a waste of this beautiful person, and waste makes me sad. Ii hate being sad.
Still, I know I am hurting her feelings casue I clearly make time for everyone else, and not for her, and thats not a good friend, and I feel fucked up for doing so. Not to start spitting about God and Jesus and what again, but here me out, taking in the fact I firmly believe in this. If Jesus (when he was on Earth) only dealt with people when they did things to his liking, then well, I guess he would be like all of us and then he wouldn't be really worth writing a new testement on or making a whole religion based on..but I just mean to say is, that a real friend loveth at all times, and so I must be there for Pickles. I mean who cares what I think. I don't care at all what she thinks about my life-I really don't. I just care that she knows I love, and think she's such a great girl and I am happy she is in the world and in my world more importantly. I gotta just bite the bull it and bare this shit. Ii got to keep one of our dates. I am being a total shit-and I know it.
PEACE