rochelle

Chain smoking and listening to my playlist, and jerking off whenever the mood hits.

That sums up my day.

I can not believe this is my life, but come to think of it, this has been my life for years-since I was a early teen.

I am depressed. I have been reading some relgious books about the fall of Lucifer, and the sacrifice of Jesus, and everytime I read about Jesus I cry. But its a good sort of cry-feels pure. It makes me happy and sad all at once to imagen anyone having a pure love for anyone,let alone the world, and dieing in the name of that love. It makes me ever more sad because I don't think people get why I admire Jjesus so much, or why I love the people I love, or why I am less and less eager to be around people, or let them inside my skin.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I hate that holiday-America is already fat.

I feel fat, my boobs I think are bigger, which I don't like at all. Ii like big boobs but not on me. I want to be androgenous. I think it is my obsession with being seen not as a body, but as a soul, but I really don't help my quest at all because I complety let my sexaulity drive me in my daily actions with people.

I am talking to one of my friends on my cell phone. He is in a bad way. He is a coke head. He wasn't always a coke head. He use to do yoga and go tanning and prank people on the phone with me. Now he fucks for money and does coke and it sucks.

I need to clean my apartment. I need to go and run. I need to shower. I smell like pot,cigarettes,and sex for 1.