I only had four hours of sleep last night, but it was worth it!!
Keif and I went to the Bronx zoo today!!! You do not know how big of a deal that is for me, because I have not been since I was in 3rd grade, and I have been trying to have someone go with me to that freakin place each and every year, girl or boy, but no one would actually step the fuck up!!!!
Keif is like a big old kid. He was talking really loud the whole time and saying in this shrill, whako voice things like "WHERES THE FUCKIN Panda?" then he proceed to act retarded and imitate Timmy from South Park. He scared several little children. I also dubbed him my baby sitter and would run after him when ever he wanted to keep walking and I wanted to stay and b.s. with the toddlers (I can speak the secret language of children). I would scream "MY PARENTS ARE PAYING YOU GOOD MONEY FOR THIS!!" You had to be there.Some points we were these two dumb kids just wondering around, the next minitue I felt like we were two lovers, Keif holding me from behind, kissing my cheek, me holding him back, leaning against him. Ii have to say, the whole thing scares me something awful, and I don't know what to do. I have this thing, some of you may have heard of it called "Borderline personality disorder" and I am just well, in short me and men are a lot of bad memories-nuff said. Me and women too, come to think of it. I mean it sucks, I am constantly looking for connections with people and when I am lucky enough to get them, I panick and begin to anticiapte them making me cry. It is a little easier with girls, because its very easy to see whether they have a angle or not-though most girls in my life have down nothing but screw me-but men its different, because of the whole sex thing. Anyway, on the plus note, while I am eager to tap into Keif and have him show me 100% himself, I am also not really sweating it cause steps up a notch. I care about him a lot, and I love him, but I don't think we are like in love, if that makes sense. I think for a "in love" to be there, one of the parties have to had seen the other ones soul and I mean really see it, and I think while both of us have seen eachothers soul in glimpes, I have not showed myself, and neither has he. There is something really sad about him, in his eyes, I mean. Something really sad and beautiful, childlike, and then scarred and all grown up. If certain things were to occur, I feel like we could have something like "whoa!" but those things haven't happened yet-on either of our ends-and I personally am not completly ready for that. I just don't know what it would do to me or him-to tell him about the shit thats happened in my life.
When I was little-Under the age of 4, I was sexaully abused on several accounts-one person I was related too. While I have always known this shit, because of it I could only remeber the events in bits and pieces, and it was not until very very recently I remembers certain events at all. I have been seeing shrinks for years, but its not like my childhood is really the only thing on my mind you know. I have a life, and life keeps throwing me all this fast balls, and I have to deal with that too.
Anyway, I don't know what is really the full deal with Keith and me-we are seeing each other, and I am not interested in knowing anybody to the extent I am interested in knowing him, if that makes any sense. I mean, Ii never could really date a bunch of people at once-too complicated and spreads my emotions out too far, but when Keith and I first started this whole shit he was just this guy who I thought was really hot, but so are a lot of guys. Then he started to show himself more, and I made up my mind that for me personally I was going to make him my focus of that sort of attention. Right now I feel like we are just really starting to know eachother, cause I don't work with him anymore, and now we can actaully have real quality time-but don't get me wrong-Ii loved working with Keith-I LOVED IT!! We both worked at a strip club-he still does-and we'd joke around a lot, and I'd be dancing to the music, and we'd be checking out the girls who came in, and you know, just really chillin and kickin it. I like those kind of places;those atmospheres-clubs I mean. I think they make people feel they can let thier guard down to a different degree-like you can let your raw self out-carnal self out. I am like that naturally, but when I'm in those places, and I feel all that energy from the people-I totally feed off of that and I just get off on it, and Keith and I would just be so retarded, crackin mad jokes and stuff. Best of all, Keith would treat me like a woman, not a sex object, I mean he was sexual with me, but he would treat me like I was a woman and he was a man, and I don't get that a lot. A lot of the time I feel like a man myself, or just this sexless kid who has to keep looking all around her so nobody steals her chocolate milk!
I sometimes want to tell him I love him. Don't misundertand me. I don't want him to tell me he loves me back or anything, like I said I aint sayin "in love". Ii just sometimes want to hug him and kiss the side of his face, and tell him that I see him, and I love him-I care about him you know. Thats not to say I always like him. He actaully has a lot of shit that drives me crazy-mainly he is so talented, and he is totally wasting his life away doing what he does now. I'm so sick of seeing these talented,exceptional,beautiful people, who could offer the world so much, and they do nothing with themselves but let themselves die! WHY??? OH!! I guess people could say the same shit about me, but I'm trying you guys, I really really am!
Back to to the zoo. So, in the mouse house, Keith (of course it would be him, dirty birdie) spotted this little fucking mouse or rodent or something giving itself head! EWWW! It was you all, Ii mean this thing had a package on it for such a little guy and he was totally suckin his shit!
We saw some big ass bears-i think they were brown or somethin-throw down which was pretty cool, and this poor anorexic lookin tiger near where we parked. Ii also so the most beautiful, mixed, little boy, with amazing greyish sea green eyes, and if I could be promised that my child would not be mentally fucked up, I would hope my kid would look like that.
Today was my first time driving on the thruway, and I was really scared, and sorta pissed at first that Keith wouldn't drive (he can't for legal reasons), but I have to say I did pretty good. Keith was real good about it-he had a real easy,subtle,non abrassive way of being supportive-which was simply placing his hand on my leg when he saw I was becoming more and more scared of crashing us. It really made me feel better. I didn't tell him, but it did. I don't know why I don't tell him a lot of stuff. I guess I'm scared. I am so scared. If I told you how love has done me wrong, you would be scared too.
Later tonight I picked up the books I once was a teenage fairy and the hanged man, both which I already owned, but someone (who fuckin knows) took out of my last apartment and never returned them!! Some people. I am in search of some extra work, and have found some leads. Also, I am working on some writing projects. I would like to makes some books covering certain subjects-one being incest-but I would like to do them in the stlye of Sabrina Wards book spillin open or some shit like that. I am actually gonna go and do some work right now. Ii am tired, but I just want to stay up a bit longer and do my thing. I also am desperate to find this Memphis Bleek song and download it called "In my life". It has that sample of that corney 80's song "In my life, theres been heartache and pain". I can't find the shit though for the life of me!!
Keif and I went to the Bronx zoo today!!! You do not know how big of a deal that is for me, because I have not been since I was in 3rd grade, and I have been trying to have someone go with me to that freakin place each and every year, girl or boy, but no one would actually step the fuck up!!!!
Keif is like a big old kid. He was talking really loud the whole time and saying in this shrill, whako voice things like "WHERES THE FUCKIN Panda?" then he proceed to act retarded and imitate Timmy from South Park. He scared several little children. I also dubbed him my baby sitter and would run after him when ever he wanted to keep walking and I wanted to stay and b.s. with the toddlers (I can speak the secret language of children). I would scream "MY PARENTS ARE PAYING YOU GOOD MONEY FOR THIS!!" You had to be there.Some points we were these two dumb kids just wondering around, the next minitue I felt like we were two lovers, Keif holding me from behind, kissing my cheek, me holding him back, leaning against him. Ii have to say, the whole thing scares me something awful, and I don't know what to do. I have this thing, some of you may have heard of it called "Borderline personality disorder" and I am just well, in short me and men are a lot of bad memories-nuff said. Me and women too, come to think of it. I mean it sucks, I am constantly looking for connections with people and when I am lucky enough to get them, I panick and begin to anticiapte them making me cry. It is a little easier with girls, because its very easy to see whether they have a angle or not-though most girls in my life have down nothing but screw me-but men its different, because of the whole sex thing. Anyway, on the plus note, while I am eager to tap into Keif and have him show me 100% himself, I am also not really sweating it cause steps up a notch. I care about him a lot, and I love him, but I don't think we are like in love, if that makes sense. I think for a "in love" to be there, one of the parties have to had seen the other ones soul and I mean really see it, and I think while both of us have seen eachothers soul in glimpes, I have not showed myself, and neither has he. There is something really sad about him, in his eyes, I mean. Something really sad and beautiful, childlike, and then scarred and all grown up. If certain things were to occur, I feel like we could have something like "whoa!" but those things haven't happened yet-on either of our ends-and I personally am not completly ready for that. I just don't know what it would do to me or him-to tell him about the shit thats happened in my life.
When I was little-Under the age of 4, I was sexaully abused on several accounts-one person I was related too. While I have always known this shit, because of it I could only remeber the events in bits and pieces, and it was not until very very recently I remembers certain events at all. I have been seeing shrinks for years, but its not like my childhood is really the only thing on my mind you know. I have a life, and life keeps throwing me all this fast balls, and I have to deal with that too.
Anyway, I don't know what is really the full deal with Keith and me-we are seeing each other, and I am not interested in knowing anybody to the extent I am interested in knowing him, if that makes any sense. I mean, Ii never could really date a bunch of people at once-too complicated and spreads my emotions out too far, but when Keith and I first started this whole shit he was just this guy who I thought was really hot, but so are a lot of guys. Then he started to show himself more, and I made up my mind that for me personally I was going to make him my focus of that sort of attention. Right now I feel like we are just really starting to know eachother, cause I don't work with him anymore, and now we can actaully have real quality time-but don't get me wrong-Ii loved working with Keith-I LOVED IT!! We both worked at a strip club-he still does-and we'd joke around a lot, and I'd be dancing to the music, and we'd be checking out the girls who came in, and you know, just really chillin and kickin it. I like those kind of places;those atmospheres-clubs I mean. I think they make people feel they can let thier guard down to a different degree-like you can let your raw self out-carnal self out. I am like that naturally, but when I'm in those places, and I feel all that energy from the people-I totally feed off of that and I just get off on it, and Keith and I would just be so retarded, crackin mad jokes and stuff. Best of all, Keith would treat me like a woman, not a sex object, I mean he was sexual with me, but he would treat me like I was a woman and he was a man, and I don't get that a lot. A lot of the time I feel like a man myself, or just this sexless kid who has to keep looking all around her so nobody steals her chocolate milk!
I sometimes want to tell him I love him. Don't misundertand me. I don't want him to tell me he loves me back or anything, like I said I aint sayin "in love". Ii just sometimes want to hug him and kiss the side of his face, and tell him that I see him, and I love him-I care about him you know. Thats not to say I always like him. He actaully has a lot of shit that drives me crazy-mainly he is so talented, and he is totally wasting his life away doing what he does now. I'm so sick of seeing these talented,exceptional,beautiful people, who could offer the world so much, and they do nothing with themselves but let themselves die! WHY??? OH!! I guess people could say the same shit about me, but I'm trying you guys, I really really am!
Back to to the zoo. So, in the mouse house, Keith (of course it would be him, dirty birdie) spotted this little fucking mouse or rodent or something giving itself head! EWWW! It was you all, Ii mean this thing had a package on it for such a little guy and he was totally suckin his shit!
We saw some big ass bears-i think they were brown or somethin-throw down which was pretty cool, and this poor anorexic lookin tiger near where we parked. Ii also so the most beautiful, mixed, little boy, with amazing greyish sea green eyes, and if I could be promised that my child would not be mentally fucked up, I would hope my kid would look like that.
Today was my first time driving on the thruway, and I was really scared, and sorta pissed at first that Keith wouldn't drive (he can't for legal reasons), but I have to say I did pretty good. Keith was real good about it-he had a real easy,subtle,non abrassive way of being supportive-which was simply placing his hand on my leg when he saw I was becoming more and more scared of crashing us. It really made me feel better. I didn't tell him, but it did. I don't know why I don't tell him a lot of stuff. I guess I'm scared. I am so scared. If I told you how love has done me wrong, you would be scared too.
Later tonight I picked up the books I once was a teenage fairy and the hanged man, both which I already owned, but someone (who fuckin knows) took out of my last apartment and never returned them!! Some people. I am in search of some extra work, and have found some leads. Also, I am working on some writing projects. I would like to makes some books covering certain subjects-one being incest-but I would like to do them in the stlye of Sabrina Wards book spillin open or some shit like that. I am actually gonna go and do some work right now. Ii am tired, but I just want to stay up a bit longer and do my thing. I also am desperate to find this Memphis Bleek song and download it called "In my life". It has that sample of that corney 80's song "In my life, theres been heartache and pain". I can't find the shit though for the life of me!!
I have that Memph Bleek cd... I swapped someone a Method Man cd to borrow, but I never saw him again. Guess it's mine now, but I hardly ever listen to it...