It never ceases to amaze me. I truly am night and day sometimes. Most days I am very secure and comfortable with myself. I mean I've been given a lot of gifts in life and I know it. But the thing that always goes straight to the heart of my insecurities is women who have had relationships with men I couldn't make it work with. There I said it.
I have yet to have a successful relationship, mainly due to the fact that I go after the emotionally unavailable guys. What can I say? I like a challenge. But then I find out that these guys I couldn't quite land were in or go on to be in relationships. BAM!! Gut wrenching jealousy. Not of the guy, that didn't work. But what is it about that girl that made him settle, to become the boyfriend?
Myspace makes it worse because we are able to lurk our exes pages and I see the girl that did it for them. I then compare (I'm smacking myself as I write this) myself to this woman. Why is she so special? What does she have that I don't? I guess its more of confusion on my part. I look at these woman and think, I'm not uglier, fatter, dumber, less funny or charming than them. I'm successful, driven, educated, independent. . . more so than them in some cases. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I'm not the girl these guys want to be exclusive with? That I'm not so amazing that they can't stand the idea of me being shared?
I hate myspace for me to be able to essentially stalk some of these girls. Before you could only hear from word of mouth and seeing the new perfect bitch out with your ex man. I'm not insecure but this site is making it really easy for me to become an insecure stalker.
Obviously the main thing that continues to play over and over in my head is that "It has to be me". I mean every unsuccesful relationship all have one thing in common, me.
Ugh, anyway, the last few months have been very eye opening for me. I don't go out looking for new tail anymore. The thoughts I have now are more personal like bettering myself and doing the things I want to do that are going to make me feel better. I started working out, I am doing things to my apartment to make it feel more "fun", I take Jimmy for long walks around the hill (he scared a crack head today, good times) I'm getting my errands done, and financially I'm sitting better than I have in years. I still go out drinking but I go with friends and will talk to guys but the hilarity of the "meeting guys in bars" scene has finally sunk in. Not to mention when I try to be "cool" and buy a guy a drink in Colorado it has gone terribly wrong since I moved back here. Perhaps its a sign from some higher power that I should avoid douchebags in bars.
The main thing I've learned over the last few months is how to be alone. And I've managed with no internet and no television!! I'm proud of myself and (I know what you're going to say so I'll just say it for both of us) I shouldn't let these other women get to me. But hey I'm human and I have flaws . . . but I think I'm better off alone right now anyway.
I have yet to have a successful relationship, mainly due to the fact that I go after the emotionally unavailable guys. What can I say? I like a challenge. But then I find out that these guys I couldn't quite land were in or go on to be in relationships. BAM!! Gut wrenching jealousy. Not of the guy, that didn't work. But what is it about that girl that made him settle, to become the boyfriend?
Myspace makes it worse because we are able to lurk our exes pages and I see the girl that did it for them. I then compare (I'm smacking myself as I write this) myself to this woman. Why is she so special? What does she have that I don't? I guess its more of confusion on my part. I look at these woman and think, I'm not uglier, fatter, dumber, less funny or charming than them. I'm successful, driven, educated, independent. . . more so than them in some cases. So what the fuck is wrong with me that I'm not the girl these guys want to be exclusive with? That I'm not so amazing that they can't stand the idea of me being shared?
I hate myspace for me to be able to essentially stalk some of these girls. Before you could only hear from word of mouth and seeing the new perfect bitch out with your ex man. I'm not insecure but this site is making it really easy for me to become an insecure stalker.
Obviously the main thing that continues to play over and over in my head is that "It has to be me". I mean every unsuccesful relationship all have one thing in common, me.
Ugh, anyway, the last few months have been very eye opening for me. I don't go out looking for new tail anymore. The thoughts I have now are more personal like bettering myself and doing the things I want to do that are going to make me feel better. I started working out, I am doing things to my apartment to make it feel more "fun", I take Jimmy for long walks around the hill (he scared a crack head today, good times) I'm getting my errands done, and financially I'm sitting better than I have in years. I still go out drinking but I go with friends and will talk to guys but the hilarity of the "meeting guys in bars" scene has finally sunk in. Not to mention when I try to be "cool" and buy a guy a drink in Colorado it has gone terribly wrong since I moved back here. Perhaps its a sign from some higher power that I should avoid douchebags in bars.
The main thing I've learned over the last few months is how to be alone. And I've managed with no internet and no television!! I'm proud of myself and (I know what you're going to say so I'll just say it for both of us) I shouldn't let these other women get to me. But hey I'm human and I have flaws . . . but I think I'm better off alone right now anyway.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
Be true to yourself and you'll never fall. And don't start searching whenever you feel alone (sundaymorning syndrome), but be found. It will cross your path sometime soon. Believe me.
Take care.