I will share a secret with all of you though. This morning I woke up and I felt that familiar stiff cold that usually accompanies snow when you first wake up in the morning. And behold, there was snow! Normally I'm all Bah-Humbug on the outside about it, because I hate being cold, and I also get bad Seasonal Depression in the winters. But my secret is that it actually sparks a little bit of Christmas excitement in me. Probably from all of my years as a child being conditioned to know that with cold, bitter weather, brings the happiness that is American Christmas. And still, to this day, I can feel that excitement. For me, it doesn't usually end after the New Year. Because just one short month later is my birthday. I'm SURE that if I didn't have those things to look forward to in the winter, I wouldn't make it through.
My Holidays are going alright this year, considering. The first ones are always hard after losing a loved one. This isn't my first rodeo, but it is the worst I've ever experienced. I sympathize with all of those who have to go through this. I'm also seeing a therapist now. She's very forward and modern, and also young and pretty. I'm very happy with her, and feel that we connect well. It also helps that I'm always very communicative in my feelings. Except in the case of my grief. I'm not talking about it as much as I should (I know that's hard for you guys to tell, but I mostly avoid the subject), and my therapist is also afraid I'm not experiencing my grief like I should be. I'm much more concerned about my family and how they're handling their grief, than I am about myself. I know, for most of you that know me, this is a bit out of character. But one thing everyone should know about me: I may seem spoiled and selfish on the outside, but when it comes to my family, I would die for them. No questions asked. Even close friends I consider family (which is really only 2 people I can think of, one has been my friend since grade school).
The only way to conquer grief is to let it run it's course. There is no getting around grief, or bypassing it. Everyone must experience grief, in their own way, and ride out the storm. I've learned that it's okay to feel these feelings that I have about my Dad's death, and I am. I'm making it a point to talk about my thoughts and hurt feelings whenever they come up. I'm also keeping a journal (at my therapists advice) of memories of my Dad. Those of mine, and of others. I even decorated it in things that remind me of him.
I've been working a lot lately. Not too many new tattoos, but I have two other jobs as well. Trying to get my head above the debt pool. I don't think even with two jobs it'll help all that much, but I can try.
Hope you all have a lovely holiday! I'll be in South Carolina for Christmas with my fiancé's family from Dec 22-28. I'm very excited about it, and also sad because I won't be at home with my family. It'll not only be my first holiday away from home, but also the first without my Dad.
I'm trying to post pictures, too. we'll see if it works, I can't tell with this new website.
