riva

OK, so, here is the full story on Joel:

He goes to my family's church, and I'll never forget the first time I saw him. You ever have a moment in your life where time actually seems to stop? As hokey as that sounds, that's what happened.

I swear he had this goofy look on his face at that time that told me that he was feeling the exact same way, but I had a better poker face.

And everyone at my family's church is telling my mom how cute he and I are together. He even told me that everyone thinks he and I should get married. He told me the night of my grandpa's party.



Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.
~ Hedwig and the Angry Inch

I want so much to tell him that I think "everyone" is on the right track, and how I wish I knew who "everyone" was so I could thank them.

But I'm scared. I don't know if I've ever had a normal, healthy relationship. What if I don't have anything to bring to the table? I don't know if I'm pretty enough or thin enough or smart enough to give him what he deserves.

I'm also a LOT older than he is. I'll be 27 at the end of May. He'll be 21 or 22 this year. He makes me feel like a dirty old lady - sometimes I picture myself as the Phantom and he as a little boy version of Christine.

I wish I had the nerve.