Last night was a bit of a blur.
Went out for a friend's birthday drinks. Didn't get to talk to him much, or his girlfriend. Come to think of it, felt like i didn't talk to anyone at all.
Wasn't in the mood to go out in the first place. Still fighting off an infection. Some things brought me down, at first i thought it was about this chick who i can't even stand to hear her name. Though after hours of analysing i scraped away the layers to find that it had things to do with myself, and unresolved past issues. I was going to write in my "real" journal, but i guess i've started typing and it's eventually going to come out.
I came to realise last night/early hours of the morning that even since i was a child, I tried to act more mature for my age. I'd copy and mimic adults and their mannerisms. I did that in public, or around family friends. So i kept that up for years until i hit my mid teens when all hell broke lose (as it does). I started to develop a more distinct personality, i began to rebel and through that rebelion i liked who i became, i found myself, and the more I rebelled the more I enjoy the person i was becoming, I was content. Yet still i knew how i should behave and what to say to be more "mature", it was like i was splitting myself into 2 people.
So i kept the "adult mannerisms" up a bit more half-arsed until i hit 17-18. I went though a mental and emotional break down during the end of high school. After that I just stopped caring. I did something i shouldn't have, and with the help of a friend who was a counsellor i started to live again. It took over 3 years till i started feeling more normal, then to find that at the end of the journey, I had lost who i was.
It was like someone took a scoop from my life. From when i left high school to my last years of uni. I have coated myself in a hard shell in which i swore that i wouldn't allow anyone to crack. I was alone inside my self for so long. I realised that i subconscioulsy created a fantasy world to live in, one in which i prefered to be in. I'm finding it hard to leave that frame of mind.
Now someone has come along in which the shell is slowly cracking. The more the shell cracks, the more desperate i am to piece it together. I see it as 2 paths. I let the shell crack, be emotionaly vulnerable as i was when i was around 17 and take the chance that i was go into melt down again. Or the other path, i can keep hiding in my shell as i've learnt to do for the last 5 years.
The way it is now, feels like theres a fight inside of me. Both sides are trying to get their way and it's making me do things that i'm so saddened to do.
I've lost myself once before, only to find i never found "myself" ever again.
Too much thinking hey. All this is starting to blur and warp in my head so i better stop writing down what i'm thinking as it was all become tangent (if it already hasn't)
So on that note, i did some baking today. Baked a cake, made a fruit salad, and soon i'll be making a baked dinner.
Went out for a friend's birthday drinks. Didn't get to talk to him much, or his girlfriend. Come to think of it, felt like i didn't talk to anyone at all.
Wasn't in the mood to go out in the first place. Still fighting off an infection. Some things brought me down, at first i thought it was about this chick who i can't even stand to hear her name. Though after hours of analysing i scraped away the layers to find that it had things to do with myself, and unresolved past issues. I was going to write in my "real" journal, but i guess i've started typing and it's eventually going to come out.
I came to realise last night/early hours of the morning that even since i was a child, I tried to act more mature for my age. I'd copy and mimic adults and their mannerisms. I did that in public, or around family friends. So i kept that up for years until i hit my mid teens when all hell broke lose (as it does). I started to develop a more distinct personality, i began to rebel and through that rebelion i liked who i became, i found myself, and the more I rebelled the more I enjoy the person i was becoming, I was content. Yet still i knew how i should behave and what to say to be more "mature", it was like i was splitting myself into 2 people.
So i kept the "adult mannerisms" up a bit more half-arsed until i hit 17-18. I went though a mental and emotional break down during the end of high school. After that I just stopped caring. I did something i shouldn't have, and with the help of a friend who was a counsellor i started to live again. It took over 3 years till i started feeling more normal, then to find that at the end of the journey, I had lost who i was.
It was like someone took a scoop from my life. From when i left high school to my last years of uni. I have coated myself in a hard shell in which i swore that i wouldn't allow anyone to crack. I was alone inside my self for so long. I realised that i subconscioulsy created a fantasy world to live in, one in which i prefered to be in. I'm finding it hard to leave that frame of mind.
Now someone has come along in which the shell is slowly cracking. The more the shell cracks, the more desperate i am to piece it together. I see it as 2 paths. I let the shell crack, be emotionaly vulnerable as i was when i was around 17 and take the chance that i was go into melt down again. Or the other path, i can keep hiding in my shell as i've learnt to do for the last 5 years.
The way it is now, feels like theres a fight inside of me. Both sides are trying to get their way and it's making me do things that i'm so saddened to do.
I've lost myself once before, only to find i never found "myself" ever again.
Too much thinking hey. All this is starting to blur and warp in my head so i better stop writing down what i'm thinking as it was all become tangent (if it already hasn't)
So on that note, i did some baking today. Baked a cake, made a fruit salad, and soon i'll be making a baked dinner.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Anything beats the sydney life. Its so overated and boring