ridley

There are times when I think I'm the most amazing person in the world and I'm witty, intelligent and worldly. Then someone or something comes along and blows all of that out of the water. I feel stupid, naive, and lacking.

Don't mistake this for sympathy plea.

I use these moments to try and improve myself. I try harder, learn more, accept my flaws and work towards fixing them. I'm becoming a better person, even if it's a struggle against my own instincts.

Yesterday I was laughed at because I said I wanted to be a nicer person.

It's big to accept that others do things better than you, right? Things you want so badly to succeed in but will always be behind the game; I can appreciate the work of others without jealousy.

Sometimes.

Why did it take so long for me to embrace that being lower on a totem pole was not, in fact, a bad thing? What are we without goals? What are goals if not improvement of self? I want to be a better person, but I won't be a bleeding heart. I've always been a bit cold.

I'm ok with this.

Before I thought being distanced was a good thing. I thought that being removed gave me perspective. I thought that it protected me, or elevated me above the rest. That somehow knowing everything but not being effected by it made me a strong person.

I was wrong.

So days when I realize that I'm just starting to understand the world don't scare me as much anymore. I want to have real connections with people. I want friends that aren't afraid to be happy and have fun, and look stupid while doing it.

Two weeks ago I admitted that my viewpoint on the world was narrow and that I hoped to improve it.

It was a discussion on gender equality. I had thought I was one of the most open people in the world, that I was accepting of everyone. I've stood for the rights of people to love who they love. But during that discussion I said things I had thought to be true at the time. I had it very clearly pointed out to me that some of my views were antiquated and still sexist.

I didn't argue. Because they were right.

There is a time in my life where I wouldn't have been able to do this. I would have fought until the bitter end, driving home my point with a hard resolve best left for debate teams and not friendly conversation.

I allowed someone to tell me I was wrong and heard their argument out.

I learned about myself and my relations to others. I opened myself to the viewpoints of those who walked different paths than I and had different experiences and thus different views. I came to the conclusion that I was indeed narrow minded.

I learned something about myself I would have otherwise not, or even denied.

It's still memorial day for another hour. I want to thank all of the troops who have given their service to protect this country.
I want to give my grandfather a hug, but I can't, and having been able to for a few years now. But that doesn't mean the want goes away. He served in WW2, Korea, and Vietnam.

I don't want to waste their efforts and sacrifices on a life where I'm not my best. It's a waste to be unhappy and to make others unhappy. It's a waste to be hateful and bitter. I was lucky enough to be born in a country of wealth and of freedom. I appreciate that fact every day. The best way to show it is to be happy and enjoy what life has given me.

I'm trying to be a better person.