rexx

september is approaching rapidly.
four small bags and one box are packed,
ready for my return to the north.
i'm excited for the move to pittsburgh
(my third return and probably not my last)
and at the same time,
i'm indifferent.
i've realized that i am who i am
no matter where i am
and no matter what i'm doing
or where i'm going
or who i'm with.
my mind is always open for whoever and whatever comes my way
and i'm always passively awaiting and at times actively seeking more
but i'm content with myself
i'm content with the people i know
the way i live
the mistakes i've made
(though i don't view anything as a mistake, really)
i'm content with the music that's soothed my soul and pleased my ears for years
with laying in a cool, dark room
swimming in blankets
eyes able to behold nothing but the smoldering glow upon a nag champa tip
and a glimpse of thick smoke as it curls into black space
i'm content with laying on the grass in the hot sun, anywhere
simply enjoying the fact
that i'm alive.
that i've reached a place
where i am fully removed from the worries of the world.
and i'm just living.
and i want nothing more.
and i will never live according to my debts 'owed' to society.

in a perpetual cycle of life and death,
why live for anyone but yourself?

society blinds us from our options.
high school graduation, beach week, four years of college, grad school, move back home, search desperately for any job to feel you aren't a failure, date, work, let your parents expectations nag you till the grave, never leave town, marry, give birth, fear death, raise your fucking spawn to be just like you and continue this repulsive routine.

to the robots,
are you really happy?
what fills your conversation during happy hour night after night upon the office release?
what is your passion? or do you even have one or know what passion is?
have your eyes ever seen the radiance of the rising sun reflecting from the ocean, not a soul in sight?
have your feet ever walked miles over mountains or deserts or foreign city streets without destination?
have you heard deafening silence in wilderness in the presence of another and learned more about them than words could ever express?
have you touched your greatest fear?
tasted freedom?

most importantly,
have you ever wanted to?

my deep summer tan is beginning to fade...




before this year began i came dangerously close to choosing the easy way. i chose to return to school, to return to pittsburgh early, to return to a stable job, to return to a previously inhabited home because it was 'comfortable'. i chose to return to trusting noone. to letting the actions of the sick fucks of this world begin to scar my being. i chose to return to what everyone seemed to think was 'the right thing for me to do'. the things that were 'financially responsible'. the things that 'everyone else does'.

then i chose to say fuck that.

i'm not sure how it happened, i just woke up with a start one morning. i made coffee and eggs and toast. i sat outside and smoked a cigarette, slowly.

i knew in my heart that this life was not for me.
my eyes were opened on a smokey balcony late at night four years ago over a conversation that forever changed my life.
but the deal wasn't done until those first few awfully hungover hours of 2009,
when i thought:

society,
you are a motherfucker.
you are a writhing cunt.
you are a corpse-fucking bastard.
this life ends.
i believe something will happen when its done.
but i'll be damned if i'm living it for you anymore, you disgusting pig.
you gave us all a little freedom, once.
well, i don't know about everyone else,
but i'm sure as fuck going to use it.

i chose to meet someone at a time i thought i didn't want to meet anyone else. i chose to switch off the cold hearted front i've worn for so many years and see what might happen. i chose not to go back to school to continue half-assing some bullshit i cared nothing about for a price i didn't want to pay. i chose to stay where i was for the time being and find the reason why i came there. basically, i chose to not take the easy way out, and thats when life really began. i chose to trust myself. and to trust others. i chose to rid myself of material possessions. i chose to move out on a financially risky whim to get away from a town i knew had nothing to give.

i chose to fuck societal norms once and for all and with total confidence, this time. i chose to give up money. i woke up one morning in march and chose to travel by car to mexico within two weeks notice for radiohead and for the fucking hell of it. i chose to say fuck the little green sheet of paper telling me not to drive until fall of 2009. a few months later i chose to sell my car. i chose to give up my first stable job in a year. i chose to buy the ticket, take the ride, literally. i chose to travel the entire country by myself until i could go no more. i chose to live off of nothing but two shirts, a pair of shorts, a pair of jeans, a pair of flip flops, a beach towel, a toothbrush, a stick of black eyeliner, and food essentials. i chose to be completely free. completely me. completely happy.

now i'm not sure what i'm choosing.

but i've learned that when you feel that spark, you just have to run with it.
regardless of how little you have.
no fear.
just erase it and run blindly but with trust in your soul and knowledge in your mind.
i've learned this is the only way to truly see.

"in the immortal words of the doors" :

"the time to hesitate is through"

riddle me this:

i am unsure when i'll have the internet again...

i'm going to harrisonburg for the weekend,
sunday i'm moving back to pittsburgh.

so..... i'll talk to you when i do,
whoever reads this thing anymore.
wish me luck!

ciao,
rexx