rexx

babyloves! i have returned to america

its hard to describe in words the life changing experience of the past couple of weeks.

pictures to come soon, for now i will leave you with a few of my journal excerpts...

i am in harrisonburg until sunday. it felt good actually having someone to miss. happy happy girl

tomorrow is my birthday. my mom is making me a funfetti cake with chocolate icing for when i return

hope all is well.

<3 Rexx

3-12-2009

bertha is a writhing cunt.

she speaks when not spoken to and lies compulsively.

fucking gps. bastardized technological spawn.

i woke up this morning, sort of, outside atlanta. i say sort of because i am unsure whether i ever fell asleep at all. my feet were freezing and its hard to rest in peace with a harsh street light hovering above the rear window, exposing every flaw in the frosted breath of late, late night, or very early morning.

(bondage cats and sparta)

nothing really noteworthy has occured thus far, just trying to haul this fucker to texas as fast as humanly possible in order to catch the bus.

good tunes. good waffles. good convo.

frank, bertha, me and the steve.

straight cruisin. barefoot and barefaced.

life seems clear.


3-12-2009 10:54 p.m.

i feel as though i'm stuck in a past i was never even a part of. decades before i was even so much as a fertilzed egg.

revelations are coming. this was all a part of the plan. the un-plan, i suppose.

the real plan, the concert, was really all a part of something bigger, i feel. something unspoken. unknown. the plan that was a plan i did not plan. and is, in fact, always my plan.

an industrial wasteland is smoking before me. it is playful in the night and seducing to the eye. when the sun rises its true filth and destruction will become exposed...

well, back to enjoyng the darkness.


friday. march the 13th. 6:36 p.m.

drifting along the mexican plains in the back of an auto-americanos bus, mariachi music from somewhere up front. i guess they don't believe in common public transport courtesy. i don't mind though, it adds to the atmosphere.

the ease of crossing the border amazed me.

i feel free, happy, in my right place.

the land is flat and plain. mountains soaking in the fog have begun to arise outside my window as the curtain swings playfully by my propped up foot...why would i close it?

the dangers and warnings of this place seem far, non-existent.

god the mountains are unreal in that fog, the cigarette smoke of the gods.

run down buildings here and there.

a few moments ago as i picked up my journal and began to position myself comfortably, i noticed two cows existing in the grass. i say existing because there they stood, under no apparent ownership. not a building or body in sight. but there they were.

i guess even cows can simply just 'be'.

i can't help but think of my beat heroes' mexican escapades.

i could hop from this bus and go off into the night. perch atop those mountains in the exhale of the unknown, as the smoke curls...

i want to grasp the hands of the masses and show them this beautiful earth. i want everyone, no man left behind, to desire and understand that peace is possible. that strangers and strange concepts and places and thoughts are beautiful. and that strange, in itself, is one of the natural wonders of the world. strange is relative of course and in this lies part of its wonder.

writing is difficult on these rickety roads.

i had a though upon beginning. however it left me as my eyes grew transfixed on the softness of the oncoming night...

well, i guess i just see this fire and this lust for true life burning in so many people and its the same fire that rages within me and i just want them to fuel this and to realize that nothing is stopping them.

you must plunge head first into even darkness unknown for your eyes long to meet the light and this is the way. the way to live. nothing is there to stop you except your own fear.

i swear and i mean this with everything in my soul.


sunday march the 15th. 6:17 p.m.

laying on my bed in the hostel, watching out the barred windows this world i am currently existing in as it exists on a lazy sunday afternoon, waiting for the taco shits to come.

real mexican food is not what i'd expected it to be. it is good, cheap, and plentiful, with orgasmic salsas and corn tortillas out the ass. however i am slightly repulsed so far by the undercooked meat with excessive fatty deposits. pork failed. beef failed, and i am not allowing myself to attempt the chicken. no fucking pollo for this senorita. a crying shame.

my first thought upon waking up this morning:

"tequila, you are a sick fuck"

never again.

but hey, when in mexico.

i had to face my hatred. however, free tequila night at the hostel last night was quite the good local time. my last true memory was of wandering the warm streets of mexico city late at night on the prowl for more cerveza, not a care in the world.

they deliver pizza here on mopeds and it always comes with hot sauce on the side. and they deliver twenty-four hours a day?

this discovery immediately brightened my mood upon waking up this morning when i discovered that i had not merely dreamed of screaming 'bacon! steve! bacon!' last night but that we had, in fact, actually ordered pizzas.

well, i passed out from tequila overdose before they arrived, but it made for a pleasant breakfast.

it was such a surreal feeling waking up in the deep south of another country (supposedly ridden with danger and war but one would never know as a welcoming vibe of peace and calm radiates from every passing face). so far from everyday life. no commitments. no need for the flashing of a fake smile another day for another dollar. i feel indescribably amazing here. everyone and everything is so open and relaxed. it saddens me to realize the potency of our poison.

here, smut is peddled openly on the streets, loud music blasts from within sex shops (openly labeled as such). thank god for cultures embracing the glory of sexuality. an average looking woman stops in for a dildo before hitting the coffee shop next door. business men flip casually through stacks of porn at a street vendor. a gay couple rub one another's shoulders lovingly as they scan the back of an electro-bondage dvd in the marketplace as a child purchases an ice cream cone several yards to the right.

all on a lazy sunday afternoon.

i love how this crazy plan all came about not even a month ago.

i love that i am here.

i love a simple life.

i love seeing the world up close and personal. and as it rapidly fades into the distance through the glass of a passenger side window as i drift on...

forever in my mind, those shacks in the depths of night with a single dim light welcoming the chance that even one customer may roll along with a flat tire, a hunger pain, a sick liver...and smoke, lonely smoke, puffing solemnly, but in the most wonderful way, from a rusted roadside grill, as a man sits and waits...

i am in love with this earth. i am in love with not just being alive, but feeling alive.

i don't this to end and i can't help entertaining the idea, well, the fact...that it does not have to.


monday (well, tuesday) march 17th 2009. sometime after 4 a.m.

fear and loathing in mexico, day six.

money is getting tighter than a virgin's snatch. steve and i just ate pizza that has been sitting in the room, unrefrigerated, since saturday around three in the morning. i'm pretty sure that isn't healthy.

there is a raging fiesta of some sort going on across the street that i would very much like to invite myself to. seriously, it is after four a.m. on a monday night and the street is filled with hooting hollering mexicans downing cervezas and blaring shitty rap music from a car stereo with no signs of turning in in the near future. and no sign of policio!

how fabulous. i love mexico.

although i have to admit, the two things i was most looking forward to about this trip i have determine that i actually prefer american-style: mexican food and radiohead.

as thom yorke bitterly told mexico city to 'have a nice life' and immediately followed into fucking 'creep' as the finale encore....well, i felt a mixture of pissed off and disappointment at first.

damn you crazy mexican jumping beans and your fanny mc-top hits-loving antics! damn you thom for your cruel and heartless ending!

but you know what? i immediately corrected by thoughts.

this is not my country. these fans loved that ending. they, for the vast majority, did not understand thom's exasperated sarcastic statement. they dug on creep in all its wonder-less wonder, went out thoses gates and got three fake t-shirts, a poster, and some shoelaces, and basked in the glory of a great show.

and i'm glad. this is their fucking country, not mine. they can dig on radiohead in the way they desire. and its not thom yorke's fault for being aggravated at the shitty soundsystem mishaps that managed to mangle not one, but three of the most amazing and rarely played live songs.

i said it myself an entry or two or three ago...that this concert that started it all was the plan that was really a part of a bigger plan that was not, in fact, planned. i have been craving this sort of wayward adventure for years. to leave the country on a whim with a soul full enough to compensate the emptiness of my wallet.

there is so much i want to learn about this world. and about myself. and about everyone. and about life.

this is the way.

forget hesitation. erase fear. open your eyes. ask questions. question everything. condemn nothing as out of your reach. society does not always lie, but does not provide truth. find this for yourself.

"buy the ticket, take the ride."

think more. and do more. learn to separate these concepts. think for the sake of thought. do without always feeling the need to think first.

i don't know how to really begin to describe this journey to anyone. i'm starting to see life, and i mean really fucking see it, the way i have been wanting to all along.

separating thinking and doing and really delving into the infinite possibilities and saving graces of each of these individually.

the mind possesses treasures that words are not worthy of. i am getting more comfortable with accepting this. i am growing more in love with recognizing eyes that require no words for understanding.

i let a young girl sip my beer upon her eager request at the show and i have never seen a more pure and beautiful smile of freedom and chance and glorified rebellion mixed with innocence and awe...i then dumped my beer on the ground in the madness a moment later. however i did not mind surrendering the drink and the seventy pesos that went with it because i will remember the story in that smile for as long as i live.

that's what life is about.

goodnight.







well, theres a start. more to come. time to celebrate the weekend back!