Monday Nov 17, 2008

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"the greatest stress. how, if some day or night a demon were to sneak after you into your loneliest loneliness and say to you 'this life as you now live it and have lived it, you will have to live once more and innumerable times more, and there will be ntohing new in it, but every pain and every joy and every thought and sigh and everything immeasurably small or great in your life must return to you -- all in the same succession and sequence -- even this spider and this moonlight between the trees. and even this moment and i myself. the eternal hourglass of existence is turned over and over, and you with it, a dust grain of dust' would you not throw yourself down and gnash your teeth and curse the demon who spoke thus? or did you once experience a tremendous moment when you would have answered him 'you are a god, and never have i heard anything moe godly'. if this thought were to gain possession of you, it would change you, as you are, or perhaps crush you. the question in each and every thing, 'do you want this once more and innumerable times more?' would weigh upon your actions as the greatest stress. or how well disposed would you have to become to yourself and to life to crave nothing more fervently than this ultimate eternal confirmation and seal?" -Nietzsche-

i used to look at that fortune cookie every morning, but now i think i'll read this instead.

...and am i really so much of a nerd that i've been devoting my free time to studying existentialism for my own sheer pleasure?

yeah, i am smile

so far i've delved pretty deeply into the worlds of kierkegaard and nietzsche. i want to take my time and gain as full of an understanding and span of knowledge of each before i move on. its kind of a blind learning process, however i am quite interested in it. any suggestions from the peanut gallery?

and how bout dem steeler boys sunday? mhmmmmmmm thats what i'm talkin about!!!!

the weekend was pretty fabulous. went and saw a reggae band and had some brewskis friday with a friend i hadn't seen in awhile. it was raining too hard to see a damn thing afterwards so we sat in the car by the cover of the downpour and blazed and chatted and watched the rain. when i got home i watched the rain some more.

i forgot how much i like to sit and watch the rain, sometimes.


saturday barhopped like crazy with the bro and some friends, also that i hadn't seen in awhile. so it was a nice little weekend of bourbon and beer and catching up and good times. very refreshing indeed.

and then i always realize what a recluse i am after two days of human interaction... and i want nothing more than to nerd around my house with books and coffee and long hot showers and internet addiction (which i am doing very well in cutting down on ::pats self on back:: and writing and lounging and music listening and text messaging and really long smoke breaks while listening to the bugs and counting leaves and enjoying the smell of the cold because i get accustomed to it after a month or so and can't or don't appreciate it anymore....

its a good smell.



man....hot chocolate would be nice right now.
with lots of marshmallows.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm

well thats all for now. i'm now going to go off on a wave of thought that isn't really relevant or exceptionally interesting i just need to contemplate and it comes easier for me if i write things down smile

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
before i moved to pittsburgh i met this boy online and we actually exchanged handwritten letters and artwork and hour upon hour long phone conversations and when i moved to this new city and didn't know a person in the world i remember nervously approaching the coffee shop where i knew he worked. and the feeling was strange because i felt like our souls were somehow connected already but we'd never met and then he turned around and smiled and handed me a little poem written on a napkin. i usually hate anything cute like that because i find it corny but i remember it being quite endearing and maybe if i look hard enough tonight i'll find it laying around. anyway our first night in pittsburgh i met my roommate for the very first time and we went with this boy, having known noone an hour before, and partied our brains out, immediatly found a partying homebase that would last the next three years within hours of both moving from a new city. and i know we thought we were so cool for that haha anyway he creeped me out with this distant psychotic vibe from the start, and eventually it got so bad we just sort of stopped talking unless jenn and i really couldn't find a party some night and we'd hit the sauce and chat a bit. to this day though i remember him being one of the most genuine people i have ever known with such a fever for life and artistic talent that gave me chills. chills from deeply disturbed splatters of paint that i would never understand until later in life. and when i realized it i realize what a great friendship i threw away. in a previous blog that i took from a journal and referenced a conversation with an old friend while laying in the sand...that was with this boy. i'll never remember why i called that night. i just needed my "first friend" the first person i'd ever met that understood me and helped me grow into who i am today. before him i'd never had anyone to share an intellectual conversation with and i think our friendship began so intensely because i was flooding over with all these thoughts and visions inside me and i needed someone to help me channel it in the right directions. moral of this story: its been over two years since i've spoken to this friend. but i recieved a message from him yesterday saying that his girlfriend of two years recently left him. and that anytime i wanted to come to hawaii and visit i'm more than welcome..now granted i am broke right at the moment...but plane tickets to hawaii right now are under four hundred....and once i'm there i can reside for free at a little headshop on the beach in the warm sun and get a little dose of maybe just what i've been needing...even if its just a few days of reminiscing over beer and smoke. or maybe he just wants a rebound bang and is scraping the bottom of the barrel of resources? i would hate for that to be the case because i'm not sexually attracted to this person in the least anymore...but since there is really no way of knowing for sure maybe i should just take the opportunity and run with it. well i suppose i'll put it on the back burner until i get some cashflow and can seriously think about it. i just always get so thoughtsy when people who had a significant influence on my life disappear for years and then pop back in out of nowhere....sneaky bastards.

VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
torlano:
Interesting post.

All my father's folks are from PA so it goes without saying I'm a Steelers fan. I was worried about that last game.

I love the cold weather myself, it makes me feel alive.
limowreck:
Even though they've shown their true colors, I'll never be far from them, and they have my number. For them, I'm only a phone call away, and while in some cases, with a particular person, I deserve the cold shoulder, the rest I've made all the effort I can. Ball is in their court, ya know?

Anyway, I've found a nice element of closure to the whole thing, and while it sucks not having them around to talk to and shoot the shit like I regularly did with them, I know they'll be back eventually.

Thanks for that message by the way. That was awesome of you. kiss

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