so this one time i got shit-faced and slammed my car into a tree...
....and ever since then nothing has really made much sense at all. why am i living here? what in the living fuck am i doing? what the hell happened to everything that was supposed happen this summer? and this past year? and the past three years?
three years is a long time. i've been alot of places. and done alot of things.
and where am i? sitting in my childhood room in chester fucking virginia.
this initially had promise and i still think it might. but i don't think this is what i'm looking for. actually, i don't know what i'm looking for. and for the first time in my life, i'm really not ok with that.
part of me wants to do something irrational like move to another state just to avoid the financial turmoil and time consuming bull-shit that is going to continue to fuck up my existence from this dui. part of me wishes i would wake up and still have a decent car, money in the bank, and a beer in my hand. part of me is convinced that the reason for all of this might pop up sometime before i die. part of me feels completely empty and in question of whether or not there is any reason for me to stay in this town. part of me is still wondering why i came back here. part of me is wondering why it feels like everyone went disappearing. all of me wants to figure any of this out. all of me also wants to have a stimulating conversation with....anyone. part of me hopes i'm still capable of such conversation because genuine human interaction has been scarce these days.
this summer has been pretty lame. i've seen the ocean once. i have camped none. i have been nowhere. i made one road trip so far, and it was by myself. and that was probably one of the best times i've had all summer. i've realized that there are some people i considered good friends that vanished into thin air when i couldn't drink anymore, and that was really disappointing. i've only been to 2 shows. i havn't really tried anything new. i hated my job entirely too often. i totalled my car. i got a dui. my identity got stolen. i definitly havn't lived enough. laughed enough. or gotten enough out of....anything.
by the way. for those who don't know...i have been sober for three and a half weeks now. this is the longest in the history of me drinking (circa 2003) that i havn't indulged in a tasty alcoholic beverage or twenty. i'm not sure what i think about it...
i'm also still living at my parents house because chesterfield virginia is the worst place you could possibly get a dui in the united states. but in the back of my head...i'm wondering if maybe its a good thing i didn't move out....because maybe i'm not going to be here for all that long after all. maybe. everything is maybe these days.
"i had nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion"
i have basically concluded that whoever said "you are better lost than found" is completely right. (roger clements? maybe?) because trying to find my foundness did nothing but drain me. i think i made the mistake of listening to too many people along the way. and not the right people for me, personally, to be listening to. i don't feel like there is anyone in this town or its general vicinity that i can truly relate to and be completely open with anymore. i'm not sure where everyone went...or....maybe i went somewhere....
sigh.
i signed up for classes this fall. i don't know if i really want to do that or not...it was kind of an irrational decision brought on by excessive sobriety. the admissions counselor asked me why i had dead people on my arm and if it had anything to do with my educational program of choice. i told her i didn't really want to do funeral services i just wanted to dress up the bodies and put makeup on them. she wasn't very helpful.
i am going to pittsburgh this weekend. or early next week. i have a secure feeling that it will provide some mental clarity. i could use a long drive by myself with good jams and a pack of smokes. it will be a little escape from reality i guess, although for some reason nothing happening here really seems like reality to me. so maybe i'm escaping "reality" for a dose of reality. yeah....that's what i'm doing. i could really give a fuck less if i have to quit my job for this. i refuse to let this entire summer become a lame ass, adventure-less, risk-free waste.
sorry, that's not my style.
and corporation is definitly not my style.
and i'm not going to cramp my style for corporation. because when that happens....heather stubbs has died and you should exorcise the demon of societal normalcy from my body, kill me, finish sleeving out my dead arms, then cremate me yourselves while making smores from the flames and scatter my ashes somewhere on the west coast because i still have yet to go there after several years of failing to do so.
anyways, we'll see if my car makes it to pittsburgh. its almost as old as i am.
i feel like i used to be good at this writing thing, but now not so much. my head is full of jumbled thoughts but they are mostly confused thoughts. i just had to try and sort through it all. i feel that this was quite a meager and unsuccessful attempt. but i feel better. this is theraputic for me when i have noone to talk to, sorry you had to endure the babblings.
i have lots of fun things to do tomorrow like shop for lawyers, visit my friends at the dmv, try and find a job thats more heathery. my bank account is still frozen thanks to the fuck face who stole my identity, but i got 5 dollars today for opening an account. so maybe i'll do something cool. like buy an ice cream cone.
a song i honestly havn't heard once in a couple of years came on the ipod today. it brought back the bitter burn of cheap vodka and conversations shared on smoky balconies late at night.
i hear songs like that alot, and it makes me miss the past. then there's this void from the past year and a half where there are no songs that bring back memories like that. i want my life to be at the point again where 2 years from now i'll be sitting on a plane and a song comes on and i'm like damn, that was a good time in 2008, i'll never forget it. if there isn't a soundtrack to a period of your life, you've skipped a beat.
i've skipped a few beats.
i've grown up alot since those times, and can't really relate to alot of people my age now. which has been different, being here in virginia. i love thinking about the songs that reminded me of when i did nothing but be this completely insane party girl. and hell yeah i miss that. i'm fucking twenty one. but its not for me 24/7 anymore and i realize that. but what i'm after is that same sort of intensity, directed in other ways. i want to live a life that i can remember and not have these forgotten years when i was lame as shit in the prime of my youth just standing still. doing the same shit. knowing i'm not happy. and continuing to do the same shit. fuck this.
i really need to burn some nag champa. and smoke a cigarette.
....and ever since then nothing has really made much sense at all. why am i living here? what in the living fuck am i doing? what the hell happened to everything that was supposed happen this summer? and this past year? and the past three years?
three years is a long time. i've been alot of places. and done alot of things.
and where am i? sitting in my childhood room in chester fucking virginia.
this initially had promise and i still think it might. but i don't think this is what i'm looking for. actually, i don't know what i'm looking for. and for the first time in my life, i'm really not ok with that.
part of me wants to do something irrational like move to another state just to avoid the financial turmoil and time consuming bull-shit that is going to continue to fuck up my existence from this dui. part of me wishes i would wake up and still have a decent car, money in the bank, and a beer in my hand. part of me is convinced that the reason for all of this might pop up sometime before i die. part of me feels completely empty and in question of whether or not there is any reason for me to stay in this town. part of me is still wondering why i came back here. part of me is wondering why it feels like everyone went disappearing. all of me wants to figure any of this out. all of me also wants to have a stimulating conversation with....anyone. part of me hopes i'm still capable of such conversation because genuine human interaction has been scarce these days.
this summer has been pretty lame. i've seen the ocean once. i have camped none. i have been nowhere. i made one road trip so far, and it was by myself. and that was probably one of the best times i've had all summer. i've realized that there are some people i considered good friends that vanished into thin air when i couldn't drink anymore, and that was really disappointing. i've only been to 2 shows. i havn't really tried anything new. i hated my job entirely too often. i totalled my car. i got a dui. my identity got stolen. i definitly havn't lived enough. laughed enough. or gotten enough out of....anything.
by the way. for those who don't know...i have been sober for three and a half weeks now. this is the longest in the history of me drinking (circa 2003) that i havn't indulged in a tasty alcoholic beverage or twenty. i'm not sure what i think about it...
i'm also still living at my parents house because chesterfield virginia is the worst place you could possibly get a dui in the united states. but in the back of my head...i'm wondering if maybe its a good thing i didn't move out....because maybe i'm not going to be here for all that long after all. maybe. everything is maybe these days.
"i had nothing to offer anyone except my own confusion"
i have basically concluded that whoever said "you are better lost than found" is completely right. (roger clements? maybe?) because trying to find my foundness did nothing but drain me. i think i made the mistake of listening to too many people along the way. and not the right people for me, personally, to be listening to. i don't feel like there is anyone in this town or its general vicinity that i can truly relate to and be completely open with anymore. i'm not sure where everyone went...or....maybe i went somewhere....
sigh.
i signed up for classes this fall. i don't know if i really want to do that or not...it was kind of an irrational decision brought on by excessive sobriety. the admissions counselor asked me why i had dead people on my arm and if it had anything to do with my educational program of choice. i told her i didn't really want to do funeral services i just wanted to dress up the bodies and put makeup on them. she wasn't very helpful.
i am going to pittsburgh this weekend. or early next week. i have a secure feeling that it will provide some mental clarity. i could use a long drive by myself with good jams and a pack of smokes. it will be a little escape from reality i guess, although for some reason nothing happening here really seems like reality to me. so maybe i'm escaping "reality" for a dose of reality. yeah....that's what i'm doing. i could really give a fuck less if i have to quit my job for this. i refuse to let this entire summer become a lame ass, adventure-less, risk-free waste.
sorry, that's not my style.
and corporation is definitly not my style.
and i'm not going to cramp my style for corporation. because when that happens....heather stubbs has died and you should exorcise the demon of societal normalcy from my body, kill me, finish sleeving out my dead arms, then cremate me yourselves while making smores from the flames and scatter my ashes somewhere on the west coast because i still have yet to go there after several years of failing to do so.
anyways, we'll see if my car makes it to pittsburgh. its almost as old as i am.
i feel like i used to be good at this writing thing, but now not so much. my head is full of jumbled thoughts but they are mostly confused thoughts. i just had to try and sort through it all. i feel that this was quite a meager and unsuccessful attempt. but i feel better. this is theraputic for me when i have noone to talk to, sorry you had to endure the babblings.
i have lots of fun things to do tomorrow like shop for lawyers, visit my friends at the dmv, try and find a job thats more heathery. my bank account is still frozen thanks to the fuck face who stole my identity, but i got 5 dollars today for opening an account. so maybe i'll do something cool. like buy an ice cream cone.
a song i honestly havn't heard once in a couple of years came on the ipod today. it brought back the bitter burn of cheap vodka and conversations shared on smoky balconies late at night.
i hear songs like that alot, and it makes me miss the past. then there's this void from the past year and a half where there are no songs that bring back memories like that. i want my life to be at the point again where 2 years from now i'll be sitting on a plane and a song comes on and i'm like damn, that was a good time in 2008, i'll never forget it. if there isn't a soundtrack to a period of your life, you've skipped a beat.
i've skipped a few beats.
i've grown up alot since those times, and can't really relate to alot of people my age now. which has been different, being here in virginia. i love thinking about the songs that reminded me of when i did nothing but be this completely insane party girl. and hell yeah i miss that. i'm fucking twenty one. but its not for me 24/7 anymore and i realize that. but what i'm after is that same sort of intensity, directed in other ways. i want to live a life that i can remember and not have these forgotten years when i was lame as shit in the prime of my youth just standing still. doing the same shit. knowing i'm not happy. and continuing to do the same shit. fuck this.
i really need to burn some nag champa. and smoke a cigarette.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
gizmo56:
I really hope stuff for you turns around, but untill then if you need someone to talk to hit me up. Maybe a drive will help you come to peace with the life you lead, just know that you really could be worse off and im sure its hard to imagine that because of the world of shit but hold on. I know there were times i wish i could just jump in my car and drive see where life takes me, but im deffinatly too worried about my health which sucks too...random thought aside im saying do something constructive and youll be able to figure it out.
kilcher:
You are actually very insightful as to who you are and what you want. Maybe trust yourself more and things will start going in the right direction? I hope so. 