This is going to be fucking random and all over the place. Enjoy.
I made these CD's to mail to Australia in a fit of putting fun stuff together for care packages. So when the shit hit the ceiling I decided to put them in my car and listen to them. Besides my friends talking about how fucking random I am... here are some of the fun things I've been listening to. Every song has a memory.
adore, adore, adore. however, i think i lied. upon first talking after quite awhile and confessing how much i missed him... i think i have to take it back. i really do have this thing where if i go 3 days without someone i become indifferent. i really do. it takes grand gestures, pretty words and effort to make me really care. my stomach no longer has butterflies if and when his name pops up in my email. i've stopped checking to see if he reactivated his text messaging. i've stopped holding my breath that he will want to talk to me. i don't do excuses. everyone goes through shit. my therapist, the new one, as he is slowly learning about my past - during the second session looked up at me and told me he's amazed by me. that most people wouldn't be able to go through what i have and come out the other side. and all he knows is a small story about my father, my uncle's death and cairey dying last year. he's barely made it anywhere yet. i believe that when you care about someone, when you want them in your life - then you make every effort possible. you don't make them feel bad for wanting to see your face. sadly skype is all we have. maybe i'm not cute enough LOL.
don't get me wrong, he's an amazing person. but he is going through some stuff and i can't help him being 10,000 miles away. i will still welcome him with open arms when he gets here. i will still bone the ever loving daylights out of him. i'll even give him a couple drawers in my dressers so he can stay with me. but at this point i just want him to be happy. and it really just feels like he met someone local and is getting what he needs from that... which is fine. totally fine. it's good to know where i stand. but if he shows up here Operation: Australian Falls in Love is absofuckinlutely ON. and maybe some holes in condoms BAHAHAHA. I just really believe life is too short and if you meet someone, no matter where they are, you make it work. Or maybe I just let him steal my heart too easily. It happens and I'm better for it.
please no haterade on the boy. he made me smile for days on end. that's major. and everything has to end, it was too good to smile that much! and i'm okay with it now. really okay with it. but if you want to put in a good word for me go find him lol (okay i really miss his voice... cus it's australian)
i spend a lot of time at the shop, a lot.
the boy my friends want me to give a chance. i shall be spending friday with him and he's been invited to be my date to a burlesque show and if i can get my act together for my bday he will be invited to that too, i'm trying:
other shop related business
my tattoo man
me:
testing how it will look to the audience
that's also my new hair. hard to see the color properly in my shitty bathroom lighting
random shit:
tassel twirling lesson
Jo"boobs"
clinic learning from the prof i want to do
me being a smartass:
i like to call this what it really is, guacamole...
now i read this today... go read it:
This band, this man - it made me cry. I can stand behind this. I decided when I saw them that I will get a tattoo and this seals the deal.
Remember there is hope. It gets better. And if you need someone, reach out. I say this as someone who almost killed myself at 14 and again 8 months ago. And I fight every day with it. I struggle - every. fucking. day. Shit, my therapist has put me in "crisis mode" but I fight every day. I will win.
I love a lot of you guys. Thank you for being there. I promise I'm okay. I love your messages and your texts. They mean the world to me when I'm down in the dumps over life, over the boy, over the ex and every other random meaningless thing there is.
