"I couldn't change though I wanted to..."
So let's write and then I will photo dump all over you.
Depression/depression... you don't really have to read this part I just needed to get it out.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I haven't been to therapy in over a month. It's starting to get dangerous. I go back on Friday, so 4 more days and I'll be home free. But the increasing panicky feeling is starting to get old, the increasing attacks on my flesh are not beneficial to having nice legs and the depression is starting to feel like i'm slowly drowning. Last week, I sat in diagnosis and treatment of disease class and the topic of the day was Depression/depression. I have Depression. I was diagnosed at 7. I have fought a long and hard battle and always come out on top. I left halfway through class crying and had to go sit in a quiet room to calm down. It's frightening to listen to someone list out all the things you know so personally. And it's even scarier to go through the signs of suicide and know the only thing not making you a risk is the time frame. I don't want to kill myself... but it doesn't mean I don't think about it constantly. Every time I pick up the narcotic bottle, that thought just runs ever so quickly by... if you took a handful you wouldn't wake up. You'd go to sleep and no one would know until it's too late. That thought scares me. A LOT. But I have a good job, I'm going to school for something I love and actually seem to be pretty good at, I have dogs that wouldn't know what to do without me and friends that would be destroyed if I did it. Plus I wouldn't get anymore tattoos or go see any more bands... and well I'm not done yet. I know I'm depressed. I watch my moods change super quick. I know that many of the things I used to do, I don't want to do anymore. I know that it's getting bad. I know that it needs to change before I do something stupid. 4 more days.
The male side of the equation....
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
I'm totally into someone. As I've mentioned a couple times recently lol. It figures that everything I want in a male lives 10,000 miles away... but that just goes to show you that my life really is a fucking comedy. And it's nice to know that he digs me too. However, I really don't know if I can deal with the heartbreak that is going to come along with it. I know I shouldn't say that and doom it before it starts but I always get hurt... always. And he won't mean to do it and I won't want it to happen but it will. Because I am crazy and a girl and ridiculously broken by life and am anticipating the crushing blow. Though I will smile and be happy day by day... I can't help but think forward. I just want him to buy his freaking plane ticket here already... money is the root of all that is evil. Maybe we won't get along when he's actually here lol. That will make it easier. I doubt that will happen but I suppose it is a possibility. It's easier for this relationship to carry on because it really is no pressure. He's so far away that I don't have to feel like I need to spend time with him, I don't feel the pressure to be "on" all the time. We maybe spend a bit too much time texting and emailing back and forth but I wouldn't change it. Until he tells me to hit the road, he's stuck with me. I will make it work in whatever capacity it is meant to work in. Something is different about this one. There's so much more I could say and I could delve into all that I've been thinking but I won't.
Which becomes a problem for the men that are interested in me locally. There aren't many... but for the ones that are I'm very sorry. I am honest and say it up front though. Nothing is coming from me. I do not have the emotional capacity to give a fuck about anyone else but myself and my dogs. There are certain things I need from a male counterpart right now... the ability to understand that my headspace is not good... the ability to understand depression... the ability to understand the dark days and the ability to appreciate the good ones. No one currently understands that. And I have an idea in my head of the next person I want to date... and as shallow as it is, I'm not settling for less. I say it all the time... tall, skinny, heavily tattooed, artistic, conversation, ability to call me on my shit, willingness to discuss things and meet in the middle, an understanding of the black hole I am struggling with... oh, and easy on the eyes. I certainly need some chemistry too.
And when you make a play for my affection and still have an "in a relationship" status on facebook, you are just risking me eventually not talking to you at all. I feel like garbage about all that has transpired in that friendship right now and I will no longer allow anything to continue. I am annoyed. I think it's cheating... I don't know the whole dynamic but to me that's cheating. And given last year... I will not be a part of that. Thank something I don't spread my legs cus it would be worse but no more. And please no one make disparaging comments against the man... he means well and he is amazing... just not for me.
There are other men I find attractive. I'm starting to sound boycrazy but I am not. I really could give two shits about every one of them. Okay except one... damn him. Why do they come along when you don't want it and shake up everything?
I have lots of shows coming up... went to bayside the other night, Aiden tomorrow, then i have tickets for the bouncing souls, anthony raneri solo and trio soon. My birthday weekend will be souls and anthony raneri... 2 nights of music. Music is life. I don't want to think about my birthday though. It depresses me. And there's enough in my life that depresses me.
I haven't slept well in days. Days I tell you. It's catching up. Maybe I will sleep tonight. I purged some thoughts, I hope that helps. I need to figure something out with my dogs while I'm in Japan. Tis not good. I will be gone for 11 days. They need love while I am gone.
And now photos:
pretty things...
This blog is of epic proportions... holy shit. Good night.
The red velvet pancakes look really good and they are making me want pancakes right now. The last diner pancakes I had were chocolate chip and were quite amazing.
We really did run into some random stuff during the semi-pointless wanderings after the show, a lot of it was really interesting though. The pictures from that and the show came out really well considering there wasn't that good of lighting.