rexall

it could be the fact that it has been raining all day (i love thunderstorms - however they are better with cuddling) or it could be the fact that the 15th is coming up and i cannot seem to separate that day from the others. so for the 13th month in a row from the 12-16th i am in a foul mood. i have been stuck inside my head all day... which is a very dangerous place. i get stuck in this place and all the bad thoughts i have come rushing back in. and then i think about all the interactions that i pretend don't fucking matter and i let roll off my back - and i over analyze and reanalyze and can't stop thinking. i am at the point where i am really fed up with a lot of shit, which means that if you irk me i'm going to call you on your shit. that is fair warning.

today i had to frame a poster for my boss and she bought this fancy glass frame... do you know how difficult it is to be around fragile glass and be in that ugly place in your head... and be a self-mutilator. it made me shaky and twitchy. and feel like i was slightly crazy... i tell you it's just like a recovering alcoholic around booze. i don't like it... i don't like it at all. and i have been really optimistic and happy recently but the struggle to not destroy my flesh with something sharp is overwhelming every day.

and i know i say stuff about men... but honestly at the end of the day i'm not looking, nor am i interested. i talk a lot and most of it means nothing. i can flirt, i can take dirty pictures, i can tell you what you want to hear... a lot of the time i mean NOTHING of it. but it makes ya feel good right? yeah, i'm a bitch... whatever. i guess i can be just as all talk as anyone else... but really i'm tired of it. until i meet a male that knows what he wants and actually has the balls to follow through i think i am effing done.

i think that's enough of this rant. sorry, i should spoil it huh? now to go enjoy the thunderstorm outside my windows... i think i will light some candles and go to sleep. sorry for the verbal vomiting.