rexall

he has this way of shaking my whole foundation. i think that i have built these new walls... this new person, who is okay without him. who doesn't think about him, or more like i have learned to stop thinking about him if he drifts across my mind. then something happens, like him hacking into one of my accounts (to do something good) and changing things. and then comes the blocking of my phone number so he will answer the phone cus i need him to stop paying one of my credit cards. we racked up a lot of debt over 7 years - which he now says has nothing to do with him because it is all in my name - and i have decided to take the responsibility. i am taking 2011 to pay off as much as i can and no longer rely on him. i don't want to wait every month for the email that says he paid or worry that he won't pay on time like usual. and then his voice.... shakes me to my core. and the thought of him... that voice was mine for over 7 years. it was reassurance, dependability, love and mine. now he's happy with someone else and doesn't care about his dogs or about leaving me with debt that he will not take responsibility for.

my heart is heavy... my brain won't shut off... the tears keep coming. i'm angry with myself and with him. i'm sad all the time. i just want it to stop. i'm better off. i know this but it was a quarter of my life. unlike him i can't move on in a week. but then again he was miserable for the last year or so he says. i'm a shit. i was awful. what a surprise. we weren't happy, we had some happiness. i hate him for taking away even the possibility of making this work in the long run.

i've hit the point where i don't even want to be touched by anyone. i don't want the emotions related to someone else. i don't want the bullshit. i don't want to be distracted. i won't want to be kissed or fucked or anything. i want to be happy and happy with myself. and i don't know how to do that cus i can't remember the last time i was happy. all i want to do is cut, slice at my skin until the pain stops, until i can breathe again. i feel like this weight has settled in my chest again, i feel panicky, my stomach is in knots. i'm just so tired. i need to get away, but i am now the sole provider for two dogs that need me. god i'm fucking miserable and i miss him so much. so much.