the new motto to my life...
It could be worse. Losing your father figure, a best friend and being dumped after 7 years is not the worst that could happen. It does equal the shittiest year of my life but it could be worse. And I will not sit here and say that it can't get worse because then it will. Let's say I am at the lowest point of my life. If it wasn't for my dogs I probably would have been dead a week ago. Or very close to it. Even at this moment I am fighting hard against the thoughts in my head. It would be real easy to send out a text message to a friend and say the keys are downstairs please make sure the dogs are taken care of and then swallow the bottle of percocet I have sitting on my counter. This would also insure that someone would find me... cus now that I live alone I don't know how long it would take one of my friends to get worried enough to call the cops.
Instead I will be sad, I will cry, I will be angry, I will rant and rave, I will hate life for awhile and I will understand that there is a serious grieving process I have to go through. I understand that I have to do this to move on. I hate the thought of him touching someone else, which he probably has done already, cus apparently I'm just that easy to move on from - no actually I think he's just fooling himself into thinking that 7 years does not matter and that we had enough issues for him to be blind to the fact that he needs to process too. There are moments where I really want him to come home but I think deep down I understand that this is for the best. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, I knew the moment I laid eyes on him in September of 2002 that he was going to be the greatest love of my life. And he has been. And if it's meant to be then it will be. Until then I have to focus on myself and my life. I don't know who I am anymore without him. I can't remember what I was like before him, before any of my relationships. I'm single. Pretty much for the first time in a decade. I should embrace it. I need to learn to take care of myself. Which I will. And I'm smart enough to know that whoring around right now is not a good idea.
I hate the thought of going to school and Cairey won't be there anymore. No one will call me Ducky anymore. I won't see her beautiful face and her beautiful smile. She won't twist my ring around my finger when she is worried, she won't hug me when I'm sad, she won't massage my arms and hands when she needs something to keep her occupied, she won't tell me it will be okay. She is gone and I need her so much. I sat in her seat in Physiology this week. The last seat she sat in at school. I explained to my Phys teacher what happened and cried a lot. I went to school for one class and a clinic shift this week. I will go back to school on Monday and get my shit together and pass my midterms. I will be a better person because she graced me with her presence. I am going to take care of myself because she would be pissed if I ended it all or failed out of school.
I will go up from here. I will take it one day at a time and on the hard days I will take it one hour at a time. I will allow myself to grieve for everything that has happened. I will not feel weak because I have emotions. Tomorrow I will get up and go to therapy for the first time in over a decade. I will be proactive. I will figure out who Katie really is. And maybe I will fucking eat finally because I have lost 9 pounds now in a week. Not healthy and percocet on an empty stomach is making me feel REALLY ill.
And now that I have wasted a lot of your time I will leave you. Thank you to anyone who actually read all that crap.
It could be worse. Losing your father figure, a best friend and being dumped after 7 years is not the worst that could happen. It does equal the shittiest year of my life but it could be worse. And I will not sit here and say that it can't get worse because then it will. Let's say I am at the lowest point of my life. If it wasn't for my dogs I probably would have been dead a week ago. Or very close to it. Even at this moment I am fighting hard against the thoughts in my head. It would be real easy to send out a text message to a friend and say the keys are downstairs please make sure the dogs are taken care of and then swallow the bottle of percocet I have sitting on my counter. This would also insure that someone would find me... cus now that I live alone I don't know how long it would take one of my friends to get worried enough to call the cops.
Instead I will be sad, I will cry, I will be angry, I will rant and rave, I will hate life for awhile and I will understand that there is a serious grieving process I have to go through. I understand that I have to do this to move on. I hate the thought of him touching someone else, which he probably has done already, cus apparently I'm just that easy to move on from - no actually I think he's just fooling himself into thinking that 7 years does not matter and that we had enough issues for him to be blind to the fact that he needs to process too. There are moments where I really want him to come home but I think deep down I understand that this is for the best. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, I knew the moment I laid eyes on him in September of 2002 that he was going to be the greatest love of my life. And he has been. And if it's meant to be then it will be. Until then I have to focus on myself and my life. I don't know who I am anymore without him. I can't remember what I was like before him, before any of my relationships. I'm single. Pretty much for the first time in a decade. I should embrace it. I need to learn to take care of myself. Which I will. And I'm smart enough to know that whoring around right now is not a good idea.
I hate the thought of going to school and Cairey won't be there anymore. No one will call me Ducky anymore. I won't see her beautiful face and her beautiful smile. She won't twist my ring around my finger when she is worried, she won't hug me when I'm sad, she won't massage my arms and hands when she needs something to keep her occupied, she won't tell me it will be okay. She is gone and I need her so much. I sat in her seat in Physiology this week. The last seat she sat in at school. I explained to my Phys teacher what happened and cried a lot. I went to school for one class and a clinic shift this week. I will go back to school on Monday and get my shit together and pass my midterms. I will be a better person because she graced me with her presence. I am going to take care of myself because she would be pissed if I ended it all or failed out of school.
I will go up from here. I will take it one day at a time and on the hard days I will take it one hour at a time. I will allow myself to grieve for everything that has happened. I will not feel weak because I have emotions. Tomorrow I will get up and go to therapy for the first time in over a decade. I will be proactive. I will figure out who Katie really is. And maybe I will fucking eat finally because I have lost 9 pounds now in a week. Not healthy and percocet on an empty stomach is making me feel REALLY ill.
And now that I have wasted a lot of your time I will leave you. Thank you to anyone who actually read all that crap.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
jerseyjim:
First off made props to senses fail on using my saying also look thru my pics i live by the phoenix its one of my tats. You can do this you will rise from the ashes and grow stronger. and even tho we are strangers I will say you have someone here on SG to talk to. I think most of the people on here are good to help and reach out too.
richard_:
Your absolutely right my friend... no matter what life throws at you, even if at times it seems so all at once, you just keep on living and things always get better with time. Sending X's n O's your way! 