Lol well I find myself sick with a REALLY bad cold, I should be heavily medicated, but alas I am putting on a brave front an weathering the storm. You know I mentioned in my last post (it was in spanish) that people dont really read my blog so I might as well use it as a journal, well for once I guess ill just post something in English and be honest, honest with me and all those that care enough to read through this blog whose length I have no clue as to....(was that grammatically correct? I believe so...so let us move on 
)
So I find myself pondering the dichotomy that is desire vs. the need for human companionship, or in simple terms, lust vs. love. I have never been in love before, I have been in love with the idea of love, and I have dreamed about true love, written poems about it etc. etc. (I know corny, but alas I have the heart of a poet and a romantic)
Those of you who know me have come to hear me complain on more than one occasion that I dont feel like i fit in with the people in this country, or humanity in general. I am wierd and proud of it lol, normal is boring. Still it sucks to be lonely. Another thought that I have been facing is destiny, how much does a higher power influence your life and how much is it your own making. I am 26 about to turn 27, I have had very little experience with girls, in all honesty only one girlfriend to speak of and it hasnt been for lack of trying. So i am left with the question, is it because I am in the wrong environment to meet girls that I like and that will like me back, it is because I suck at interacting with girls, or is it just because I am fated not to meet anyone till later on in life. Each has a valid weight to them. Yes, Guatemala is a terrible environment to meet girls, 90% of the population is unattractive to me. They are native Guatemalans, they are a humble people who have their charm but their charm is lost on me. If any of you have ever run into that problem for example a Japanese not finding a white person attractive, well that is what it is, it isnt racism, its just i dont find them attractive. Anyways that leaves me with 10%, now here is an interesting thought, think about the people you know that fit under the title of the hottest 10% of the group. For example high school, think of the hottest 10% of the class. They KNEW they were the hottest so how did they behave? Honestly, more than likely, like they behave here, pretentious, stuck up, and messed up. Now for me, i like suicide girls, and i dont mean just those girls that are on here and have turned pink, I am talking about every girl that is different, and that chooses to be TRUE to herself and be who she is, regardless of what other people say. I dont like normals, i dont like carbon copies, i dont like wannabes, I like girls that are suicidegirls, and you dont find that type of girl easy in Guatemala and not in that 10% most definetly. The second point is that I suck at interacting with girls, well I will be honest I havent had that much experience, but what little I have had has left me with mixed results, so I can conclude if i have a problem meeting them or not, most of my social skill tho are underdeveloped (what do you expect when your fucking grade is only 38 people big and seem like the cast of 90210 and your the only dark bastard in the group, the closest thing after me would be geeks that played Magic the Gathering on the recesses, and those were actually a grade above me, so in general just imagine yourselves stuck with the cast of 90210 as your classmates, and all of them are either victims or assholes, blips or bastards that would berate and insult EVERYONE teachers, friends, and enemies alike...hey at least they were equal about it and didnt discriminate lol. So no social life there, and college, well....college was one giant rush to have fun in 4 years, you have friends, but your so spread out with stuff that you can barely call that a social life in the true sense of the word, people hang out with you and you party, doesnt really require much effort to make freinds lol. So now the final option being that fate, God, or whatever force you believe in is influencing my life....well its possible, anything is possible. If youve seen the new James Bond movie Quantum Solace then I can put it to you this way, what if you were stuck in the desert, and you were dying of thirst, and you found yourself a can of motor oil, would you drink it? what about if it was just piss? or if it were a sweet tasting poison? How far can you force yourself to settle or see something that isnt there only to realize too late your compromising, or you made a mistake? Food for thought, what if I meet a girl that is just nice enough, and cute enough, that I unconsciously say, "your not going to find any better", that is a truly frightening thought. I dont want to settle, I want fucking wow, this is it, I found her, this girl blows my fucking mind and I blow hers. I want the day I choose to marry a girl to be one where i do so without doubt or hesitation.
Anyways that said i come back to my previous point, lust vs. love. How bout just satisfying my need for companionship and my physical needs so to speak with any girl?
Well my friends, Friday, was an illuminating day. I went out with a girl 15 years older than me, with two kids, but who looked half her age...I mean REALLY looked half her age, not surgically. The woman hit the genetic jackpot BUT I KNOW there can never be anything formal between us. What I want from a girl and from life, she cant provide me. But she was hot, and she was available. So I go out with her...as friends...we go to a bar, smoke a hookah, she has a few drinks, we talk about taking chances and relationships and we end up making out...I mean really making out...like making a fucking scene in this restaurant in a touristy area. But you know screw the crowd, it was fun. Still as i was making out with her applying everything i have ever learned, from kisses that are sweet and innocent that show caring and love, to kisses that could be considered pornographic or animalistic, to biting and doing other stuff to each others necks and shoulders. The thought that this was going nowhere, and that it shouldnt be happening just kept bugging my head. It has been so long, that I ignore the voice and we continue. Ill save you the details, but we end up in my car, things escalate, we drive to her place, things escalate, and as finally, after 5 years of not having sex, two of which happened with my only girlfriend who was a 21-22 year old virgin, whose right to choice I not only respected but damn well enforced because I wanted it to be HER choice. I am offered the oportunity to have meaningless, hot sex with a hot older woman....and....I just could not do it. Physically I was up for it, mentally I already had about a good 5 or 6 hours of REALLY interesting things in mind (believe it or not, whatever. I know Tantra, I have read those pervy Kamasutras and the real one, AND im creative so I had plenty of ideas), the drive was there, but my conscience just would not let me go through with it. I cannot use a person, I have learned that I cannot make out or have sex with a person just for the shits and giggles of it. I need to feel something for the girl, it may be gay, it may be weird, but whatever its who I am. Call it me wanting to avoid bad karma, me having a big conscience, me being naive, but whatever. I just cant be an asshole, I cant be like the other 97% of men that get lead around by their dicks and/or treat women like things. I just cant, after this weekend I have come to a realization, infinitely simple, but very fucking serious.
I cannot be involved with someone that I cant see a future with.
So that is the end of this rather depressing blog, if there is anyone who finds me pathetic, insane, or otherwise, well that is your choice. I like that I can wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror. In any case thank you for reading all of this, I hope I didnt depress or anything lol. I shall now return to my cheery, insane self, to those of you who can accept it, even if you dont agree with it, thank you, and now you know a little bit more about the guy who you have been talking to till now.
)So I find myself pondering the dichotomy that is desire vs. the need for human companionship, or in simple terms, lust vs. love. I have never been in love before, I have been in love with the idea of love, and I have dreamed about true love, written poems about it etc. etc. (I know corny, but alas I have the heart of a poet and a romantic)
Those of you who know me have come to hear me complain on more than one occasion that I dont feel like i fit in with the people in this country, or humanity in general. I am wierd and proud of it lol, normal is boring. Still it sucks to be lonely. Another thought that I have been facing is destiny, how much does a higher power influence your life and how much is it your own making. I am 26 about to turn 27, I have had very little experience with girls, in all honesty only one girlfriend to speak of and it hasnt been for lack of trying. So i am left with the question, is it because I am in the wrong environment to meet girls that I like and that will like me back, it is because I suck at interacting with girls, or is it just because I am fated not to meet anyone till later on in life. Each has a valid weight to them. Yes, Guatemala is a terrible environment to meet girls, 90% of the population is unattractive to me. They are native Guatemalans, they are a humble people who have their charm but their charm is lost on me. If any of you have ever run into that problem for example a Japanese not finding a white person attractive, well that is what it is, it isnt racism, its just i dont find them attractive. Anyways that leaves me with 10%, now here is an interesting thought, think about the people you know that fit under the title of the hottest 10% of the group. For example high school, think of the hottest 10% of the class. They KNEW they were the hottest so how did they behave? Honestly, more than likely, like they behave here, pretentious, stuck up, and messed up. Now for me, i like suicide girls, and i dont mean just those girls that are on here and have turned pink, I am talking about every girl that is different, and that chooses to be TRUE to herself and be who she is, regardless of what other people say. I dont like normals, i dont like carbon copies, i dont like wannabes, I like girls that are suicidegirls, and you dont find that type of girl easy in Guatemala and not in that 10% most definetly. The second point is that I suck at interacting with girls, well I will be honest I havent had that much experience, but what little I have had has left me with mixed results, so I can conclude if i have a problem meeting them or not, most of my social skill tho are underdeveloped (what do you expect when your fucking grade is only 38 people big and seem like the cast of 90210 and your the only dark bastard in the group, the closest thing after me would be geeks that played Magic the Gathering on the recesses, and those were actually a grade above me, so in general just imagine yourselves stuck with the cast of 90210 as your classmates, and all of them are either victims or assholes, blips or bastards that would berate and insult EVERYONE teachers, friends, and enemies alike...hey at least they were equal about it and didnt discriminate lol. So no social life there, and college, well....college was one giant rush to have fun in 4 years, you have friends, but your so spread out with stuff that you can barely call that a social life in the true sense of the word, people hang out with you and you party, doesnt really require much effort to make freinds lol. So now the final option being that fate, God, or whatever force you believe in is influencing my life....well its possible, anything is possible. If youve seen the new James Bond movie Quantum Solace then I can put it to you this way, what if you were stuck in the desert, and you were dying of thirst, and you found yourself a can of motor oil, would you drink it? what about if it was just piss? or if it were a sweet tasting poison? How far can you force yourself to settle or see something that isnt there only to realize too late your compromising, or you made a mistake? Food for thought, what if I meet a girl that is just nice enough, and cute enough, that I unconsciously say, "your not going to find any better", that is a truly frightening thought. I dont want to settle, I want fucking wow, this is it, I found her, this girl blows my fucking mind and I blow hers. I want the day I choose to marry a girl to be one where i do so without doubt or hesitation.
Anyways that said i come back to my previous point, lust vs. love. How bout just satisfying my need for companionship and my physical needs so to speak with any girl?
Well my friends, Friday, was an illuminating day. I went out with a girl 15 years older than me, with two kids, but who looked half her age...I mean REALLY looked half her age, not surgically. The woman hit the genetic jackpot BUT I KNOW there can never be anything formal between us. What I want from a girl and from life, she cant provide me. But she was hot, and she was available. So I go out with her...as friends...we go to a bar, smoke a hookah, she has a few drinks, we talk about taking chances and relationships and we end up making out...I mean really making out...like making a fucking scene in this restaurant in a touristy area. But you know screw the crowd, it was fun. Still as i was making out with her applying everything i have ever learned, from kisses that are sweet and innocent that show caring and love, to kisses that could be considered pornographic or animalistic, to biting and doing other stuff to each others necks and shoulders. The thought that this was going nowhere, and that it shouldnt be happening just kept bugging my head. It has been so long, that I ignore the voice and we continue. Ill save you the details, but we end up in my car, things escalate, we drive to her place, things escalate, and as finally, after 5 years of not having sex, two of which happened with my only girlfriend who was a 21-22 year old virgin, whose right to choice I not only respected but damn well enforced because I wanted it to be HER choice. I am offered the oportunity to have meaningless, hot sex with a hot older woman....and....I just could not do it. Physically I was up for it, mentally I already had about a good 5 or 6 hours of REALLY interesting things in mind (believe it or not, whatever. I know Tantra, I have read those pervy Kamasutras and the real one, AND im creative so I had plenty of ideas), the drive was there, but my conscience just would not let me go through with it. I cannot use a person, I have learned that I cannot make out or have sex with a person just for the shits and giggles of it. I need to feel something for the girl, it may be gay, it may be weird, but whatever its who I am. Call it me wanting to avoid bad karma, me having a big conscience, me being naive, but whatever. I just cant be an asshole, I cant be like the other 97% of men that get lead around by their dicks and/or treat women like things. I just cant, after this weekend I have come to a realization, infinitely simple, but very fucking serious.
I cannot be involved with someone that I cant see a future with.
So that is the end of this rather depressing blog, if there is anyone who finds me pathetic, insane, or otherwise, well that is your choice. I like that I can wake up every morning and look at myself in the mirror. In any case thank you for reading all of this, I hope I didnt depress or anything lol. I shall now return to my cheery, insane self, to those of you who can accept it, even if you dont agree with it, thank you, and now you know a little bit more about the guy who you have been talking to till now.
In any case, I choose Rei. Thanks for the clear up assesment of who represents what