This blog won't have any photos in it, thus I'm sure it will be of very little interest to you.
Apparently, according to Drew, my blogs have been somewhat sombre lately. I can't promise this will be any better but I do prefer the word... reflective?
Sombre implies I'm not okay, when reeeealllly it's only a small career-related breakdown. Nothing to worry about!
Less sombre: Employment happened! Hooray... sort of.
But, onwards...
Last weekend I attended the premiere for the first in series of short films that a friend of mine has been involved in. (More on that another time maybe... but it's gonna be awesome)
The talk the director gave at the introduction really made me think about this industry.. the one I feel like I've turned my back on somewhat. In essence, he said something I truely agree with:
There is no such things as those with better luck, or those who are better at something. Natural talent aside (and, for now, irrelevant), there are those that push through the crappy side of all of this, who ignore the chance of failure, who suck it up, who give it everything, who persevere to realise their dream.... and there are those who give up. The latter are not the ones that do amazing things.
It left me feeling strange.
It left me feeling that, on closer inspection, there's a fine line between what is seen as persevering and what is seen as quitting.
And here's me.. the girl with the dream of making all the pretty things in the world, who has just gone and got herself a job in a store, that she already hates, where she will barely make enough money to break even.
It's soul destroyingly pointless.
Sure, it keeps me in London. Just. But what good is that when I can't do the things that being in London is useful for?
And I really, really hate it. To the point that today, on day three of working there, the thought of going in fills me with so much anxiety I feel sick. It's not even that I don't like retail, this just isn't a good fit for me. But I really, really need this job.
At first, on the day of having been to the film festival, I freaked out as having been the one to give up...
This could be me going... Fuck you costume industry, I quit. Screw you fashion and a big middle finger to film and theatre as a whole.
This could, though, be me enduring the shit, doing what I have to do to stay here while I keep job hunting. I don't even know what I am hunting for anymore but it sure as hell isn't this job.
I think it's a state of mind thing.
At least, given that I hate it... there's zero chance of me getting complacent and lazy about finding something else, more relevant.
I have been awake since about 4:30am because this has been buzzing round and around in my head.
Today is going to be a loooong day, and it's my shortest shift yet.
Apparently, according to Drew, my blogs have been somewhat sombre lately. I can't promise this will be any better but I do prefer the word... reflective?
Sombre implies I'm not okay, when reeeealllly it's only a small career-related breakdown. Nothing to worry about!
Less sombre: Employment happened! Hooray... sort of.
But, onwards...
Last weekend I attended the premiere for the first in series of short films that a friend of mine has been involved in. (More on that another time maybe... but it's gonna be awesome)
The talk the director gave at the introduction really made me think about this industry.. the one I feel like I've turned my back on somewhat. In essence, he said something I truely agree with:
There is no such things as those with better luck, or those who are better at something. Natural talent aside (and, for now, irrelevant), there are those that push through the crappy side of all of this, who ignore the chance of failure, who suck it up, who give it everything, who persevere to realise their dream.... and there are those who give up. The latter are not the ones that do amazing things.
It left me feeling strange.
It left me feeling that, on closer inspection, there's a fine line between what is seen as persevering and what is seen as quitting.
And here's me.. the girl with the dream of making all the pretty things in the world, who has just gone and got herself a job in a store, that she already hates, where she will barely make enough money to break even.
It's soul destroyingly pointless.
Sure, it keeps me in London. Just. But what good is that when I can't do the things that being in London is useful for?
And I really, really hate it. To the point that today, on day three of working there, the thought of going in fills me with so much anxiety I feel sick. It's not even that I don't like retail, this just isn't a good fit for me. But I really, really need this job.
At first, on the day of having been to the film festival, I freaked out as having been the one to give up...
This could be me going... Fuck you costume industry, I quit. Screw you fashion and a big middle finger to film and theatre as a whole.
This could, though, be me enduring the shit, doing what I have to do to stay here while I keep job hunting. I don't even know what I am hunting for anymore but it sure as hell isn't this job.
I think it's a state of mind thing.
At least, given that I hate it... there's zero chance of me getting complacent and lazy about finding something else, more relevant.
I have been awake since about 4:30am because this has been buzzing round and around in my head.
Today is going to be a loooong day, and it's my shortest shift yet.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
I have your other-worldly ponit of view, love. I no longer have Anthony with me, I'm technically homeless, and I am completely miserable. I have no reason to get up in the morning. None. That being said, if I had a job, ANY JOB, I would go. Until I found a better one. Because You don't have to settle, but you already know you hate THIS job. So just look for the next thing that will be a little bit better of a fit... and then the one after that. Or you may strike oil (as the saying goes) in the very next venture you pick up.
I'm a pessimist. A realist. Maybe even somewhat jaded and cynical. Be that as it may, I still feel like every time I walk outside and feel a cool breeze and sunshine, it means something is going to work out and be okay. Even anytime I have a delicious snack or meal (the crab soup I had yesterday for the first time in 3 years - made me want to stay in Baltimore again, because no one else makes it like we do, for example!) I find a new way to appreciate my completely hideous situation.
All hope is not lost. There is a fit for you in the fashion industry, just like you're trying to make a fit for someone else. I love your face and I think you're incredibly talented. You will do this! Persevering is only stupid when you're miserable. So you change the scenery. ♥
In the words of Eric Cartman "Think of the candy. Just think of the candy. Think of the candy.
Just
think
of
the
candy."
I'm losing motivation in my job too. Even though it's probably the one thing I love doing most. But I just think of those words and life continues, and continues the best that I'm able to make it with all of the situations I have to deal with.
No matter what, the whole point of having a job is to make your life a better place and make you smile more.