retsin

i opened my door to your sadness. you stood holding beer in one hand and a half dying flower in the other. you stole it from a garden down the street for me you say, hope the owner didn't catch you, but don't think she'd much care in this neighborhood. we small talk our way up my stairs, maneuver past the futon and towards my bedroom fully aware of why you came. we've given up on the formalities, but continue with the consistencies, 'patterns' you tell me 'can be found in most anything'. you make comment of my music, tell me your girlfriend enjoys the same band. i make a move to change it and you ask if the choice can be yours. i watch you as you compose a play list that gives a toast to us, that maps the ways we have crossed before. i think i'm listening to my history as you say, "this song reminds me of you."

you pass me a beer, and like two kids drinking, we leave the rest on the floor by the bed. i 'm quiet as you light yourself a cigarette, open my window and fill my room with your scent. we both know no one smokes in my house but you, we both know i let you break all the rules. the air fills with smoke and well intentioned conversations about the last girl who broke my heart. you say you don't understand it, but that love will come my way. i make mention of the unmentionable and you go off for an hour about how "frustrating she can be"....but we don't want to talk about her tonight.

you hand me fragments of who i once was arranged perfectly into narrow little lines. i watch as history and present collide magnificently and shed light on who we are to become. bounced beams off a mirror and into my lens, i watch as my whole world consumes me. i log into the books the date and time of when i allowed it all to exist in me again,. pulsating, roaming, marching down the pathpetite little soldiers.

it never becomes easier, this awareness that this is who we've become. strangers, lovers, one time others, two people brought together for something more. you kiss me and smile, make me feel like my life is just starting. (tell me you love me). hands touched, necks revealed, our breath deepens and we are connected by sweat. (there is no room for formality). the sting of your kiss, the passion of your tongue, these are the things i have come to know. these are the things i've come to expect. you press hard against me with your body and look in passing at my eyes. i feel as your fingers run down my body scarred from the history i have mapped. i catch you watching, remembering the situations from which these roads were carved. you used to tell me you wished i didn't, and it soon became 'i hope you won't'.

with my back arched you tell me you love me, I give you a glare and ask you to stop. words have no place in this world weve created, not the ones you say out of habit, nor the ones you feel in your heart. We both know this situation isnt something that can happen. We pretend that our awareness makes it possible, but never share it with the rest. How many girlfriends have I fucked you through, how many fights have you helped me figure out? We are the secrets best kept in here, protected by four walls and bleeding hearts. My neighbors know more of you then my partners; have heard your visits, and the drawbacks of when you go.


i will fall asleep wrapped around you, my body small and fitting neatly into yours. a destined match you once called, puzzled edges coming together in a perfect course. As I wait for sleep I feel you breathing, the warmth of you convinces me this is (completely) natural, like the heartbeat i feel beneath me, some things just sort of are.

We once discussed it, like everything else, why our love just could never be. Wed kill each other, and ourselves, two uncertain halves attempting to make a whole. We talked of the possibility that a someday could make its way into our lives, and I laughed and pushed you away. We are the patterns we have created; the comfortable cycles we have in our lives. We are a part of each other no one will ever know, (and we will never understand) we are complete and never fully whole. Youve carved yourself into my body time and time again, and Ive lay awake crying as I bled oceans on your behalf. Youve called me beautiful as I lay dying, from your poisoned kiss the night before. Ive held your hand as you told me why reality is best felt through a minuscule straw.

Weve played music, weve shared lyrics, and weve allowed her words to become our own.

I love you, I hear you whisper, and I close my eyes for another night.

come to my show....come, come come!