i wish i wasn't falling apart as everyone around me is composed and getting to live a life on some sort of content path. not that it doesn't make me really happy to see people i love and care about happy, cuz it does, but because it further magnifies my own insecurities and overall feelings of shit.
i think i'm being consumed by something i'm not really ready to face. i think everything is getting much worse here in this place. and back to hamilton where i'm not sure if i'm better or worse. at least there i can lay around and be a big sack of emptiness and tears without having people point it out to me. i can be the idea of productivity because everyone can imagine that i am. the people here don't know who i am or what i do when i'm not here. which goes for everyone. so it makes me feel a little more secure to imagine that in everyone elses eyes i've still got my act together and still have a chance at the game.
but at the same time, i really need out. of that city, those expectations, and these feelings.
i think i'm being consumed by something i'm not really ready to face. i think everything is getting much worse here in this place. and back to hamilton where i'm not sure if i'm better or worse. at least there i can lay around and be a big sack of emptiness and tears without having people point it out to me. i can be the idea of productivity because everyone can imagine that i am. the people here don't know who i am or what i do when i'm not here. which goes for everyone. so it makes me feel a little more secure to imagine that in everyone elses eyes i've still got my act together and still have a chance at the game.
but at the same time, i really need out. of that city, those expectations, and these feelings.
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Two years later, I am far more grounded than I ever have been in my entire life. I'm not saying that things are picture-perfect, the voices of self-doubt and anxiety still babble away, just not as loud as they used to. Getting the hell out of my home town certainly helped to propel me out of my stagnancy. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that no matter how shit things seem now, you'll work them out. It may take a while, but if you want the change bad enough you can make it happen.
I shone, mica-scaled, and unfolded
To pour myself out like a fluid
Among bird feet and the stems of plants
I wasn't fooled. I knew you at once.
yeah the love letter...
anytime...
you need...i have