So you know how everyone usually says "Well, I've got good news and bad news..."? I'm trying to figure out which one the good news is. A) My grandmother's not dead yet. B) She's suffering a lot and is in complete agony despite the drugs she's on (which isn't much because it could send her into shock and kill her). I love her, but I'm debating if I should go on leave to go to her funeral in Texas. The last time I went down (April) she was having a REALLY Really good week and was completely lucid, she looked healthy, she was up and about a bit, and she hugged me so tight, with so much love, that I almost cried (which of course made her cry). I knew I'd never see her again (honestly most people didn't think she'd last till April so I felt very lucky to see her). In essence I said my goodbyes that day. Do I want to remember her like that, or dead in a box in the ground? I don't need closure. I already had it while she was still living, but... I know I've always been weird, but I feel weird not going to the funeral. That's what people do, unless they have some "reason" to stay away. I don't have a reason to stay away but... It's sad, but I Almost feel worse about not wanting to go, then about her dying. Then again, I think about her suffering in the hospital (with my family having petty fights, across the bed, Literally right over her). Almost. SIgh, at least it's raining outside. For some reason it always makes me feel a little bit better. Something about "Life giving"...
