repus

so, my new year started out great, with a fat blunt and without a hangover! how could things go bad with a fresh start like that... well, add alcohol and a scooter a couple of days later, not to mention a phantom curb, and you've got a fractured thumb, or rather i do. let me recap the evening for you...:

it was the first saturday night of a new decade, and we felt great, so we decided to celebrate. we started out at kobe steak house with a fabulous hibachi style meal. beer, sake, fried rice, steak, lobster and chicken pretty much summed up our dinner, though a buddy of mine was our chef, so we got hooked up pretty damn well. so well, in fact, that we all left with food, as we couldn't finish it to save our lives. we were very well fed, and had a good starting buzz.

saturday nights are dollar drink nights at moose's, a bar/restaurant we frequent, so that was our next destination. the place was packed with all sorts of people. we had locals, tourists, straights, gays, guys, chicks, questionables, dancers, drinkers, idiots and losers; the whole shebang! so we got stoned as hell and jumped right in!

i saw a few women i wanted to see, so i made my rounds, flirting and whatnot, and met a few others in the process. we mingled. we drank. we danced, if you can call it that, as i have two left feet and stumble over them, but get some liquid courage i me and see if i care. and we just had a good time. then i remembered my roommate telling me i could borrow his scooter, as long as i wasn't out drinking with it, oops...

so i decided it was time for me to leave, before i had anymore to drink. i said my goodbyes, gave hugs and kisses and vacated the premises. while i was leaving the parking lot, i went through a shortcut that i normally walk through, and didn't realize there was a little black curb there, until too late. i hit the brakes, but didn't stop in time. the front wheel hit the curb, dead-on, and i played superman over the handle bars. luckily, because of my quick and nimble ninja reflexes, i was able to land on my feet, as opposed to continuing the flying motion across the pavement in a bloody manner, only my right hand, specifically my right thumb, hit the ground first, taking the impact of all of my weight and propulsion. the tip of my right thumb was fractured in the process. i quickly got up and made my way home. when i got there, i realized my thumb was bleeding around the entire perimeter of the thumbnail, which kinda freaked me out. i doctored myself up and went to bed.

when i woke up, i called my doctor for the obligatory visit. we took x-rays and noticed that it could have been much worse than it really was. regardless, i still have a fractured-ass thumb. so i go back into this crazy world i live in with a velcro brace, to hold my thumb in place, along with some percocet! little did i know that those worse things would rear their ugly heads in due time.

i spent the rest of that day laying low and went to bed early. when i woke up the next morning and had to take my start of the day shit, i realized my first major issue; i was right-handed and up shit creek without a wiping hand! have you ever tried to wipe your ass with your other hand? it's quite difficult if you're not ambidextrous. needless to say, it took me a while to get myself cleaned up properly, but i was finally able to move on with my day.

i normally smoke blunts, and guess what? you NEED two hands to roll them! so i decided to smoke a bowl, or try to. i have a gimp hand, so i couldn't even hold the pipe and flick my bic at the same time. my roommate literally had to assist me in my endeavors. i could see right away that this was going to be more of an issue than previously expected. where there's a will, there's a way...!

later that evening, after i got home, i decided to rub one out. being right-handed, i realized the stranger was my only option. it was awkward, like someone that had no clue what they were doing, but even like bad pizza, i eventually got full, or released my inner tension. determination IS key, heh.

so, over the last few days, i've gotten better at these left-handed tasks, though i keep finding more and more things i cannot do like shave, play my guitar or even write!. at least i'm able to somewhat function easier with repetition. and this is where the kicker comes into play, the more i jack-off with my left hand, the better i get at it, and less of a stranger it becomes. this kinda sucks because the stranger was always an option for the times that i needed a little extra, unfamiliar incentive, if you catch my drift.

i found myself at moose's again last night, as they also have dollar drinks on tuesday nights as well. i was with lots of friends and even more random people. while i was spilling my game to the ladies, they kept asking what happened to my hand, so i would elaborate and eventually let them know i was looking for willing participants to assist me i wiping my ass and jacking off. most of them walked away, but i did get a few giggles and numbers, so i am now pretty hard pressed to say whether this is a blessing in disguise, or not. you be the judge...