Its strangely familiar how life seems to follow the cycles of life, in general, like the seasons of the calendar year. During a certain time each year, the sun sets much earlier, and it stays dark for longer periods. Ironically, this seems to be time of year that parts of nature are either dying, or doing whatever they have to do to preserve life itself, such as hibernating. On the other end of that spectrum, you have a period in which days are lengthened, and new life begins to sprout. It is a time table that most civilizations have used for many reasons over the ages.
Normally, life tends to coincide with the ebbs and flows of this cosmic schedule, though I seem to be slightly off my axis at the moment. A proverbial bomb was dropped on me yesterday that has caused the sun to violently set much quicker and earlier than normal, and I am concerned of the darkness that is to follow. Lets just say that the fact there has been an anticipating type of foreshadowing building up in my soul lately makes about as much sense as the ominous tone of that word itself. I just must continually remind myself that it is always the darkest right before it begins to lighten up again.
The story I received felt similar to stitches being ripped out, in order to a deepen a cut, but without sewing it back up afterward, only to leave a gaping, jagged hole. Apparently I had 3 older step brothers, from my fathers side, all die when I was 6 or 7, though I never knew of them until now. They were 14, 15 and 17 when they passed, alongside their mother, whom I dont believe I ever met.
Supposedly, while my father and his friend were marines fighting in Vietnam, they were given special permission to leave for an emergency marriage of said friend, and his fiance; what the emergency was, Im not clear on. Once they arrived, the couple got into an altercation, and the wedding was called off. The bride was so upset that she hung herself, but the two marines couldnt go back to nam without a marriage certificate, or else they would be court marshaled. Somehow, without his consent, papers were signed for my father to marry my mother, even though he had 2 children, which werent spoken of before, with another woman, Linda, but their relationship was obviously secretive in many ways. They had been seeing each other without her familys knowledge, who was taking care of the kids.
My father saw Linda earlier the day that certificate was signed. They not only slept together, but he got her pregnant again for the 3rd time, without his knowledge. When she was later told by the government that he had married my mother, she got understandably upset. Her parents didnt like my father, so when he was back in Vietnam, they told her he had died in service. Keep in mind that this is about 5-6 years before I was born.
He said he didnt love my mother then, but for some reason, they stayed together and tried to make it work. Then he got the great idea to reproduce with a woman that he confessed to not love or willingly marry. I was born years later, after multiple attempts, but by this point, he said he was trying to have a child to save the marriage. However, he said that my mother knew he didnt love her, and wanted to get back at him, so she conspired to have me, only to take me away from him, in a vengeful manner. They divorced shortly after my seemingly spiteful arrival into this dime store romance novel type of situation that was to become of my life. As far as I know, he wasnt in contact with the other two children that he was aware of having before, so maybe that was a form of foreshadowing in itself.
5-6 years later, Im not sure where, how or why, but he ran into Linda and the 3 boys. He said he thought the 3rd was from her husband, which she told him she never married, and that he belonged to him. She also told him that she was under the impression that he was dead. They arranged to spend the next eight days together as a family, and he said he finally felt like his life was heading in the right direction. Then they went their separate ways, planning on meeting back up again at another place. Linda and my 3 step brothers boarded a plane that they never got off of alive.
I have never heard any of this before. Why did I come to find out about it now? My father is going to see a doctor today to discuss whether or not more surgeries will help him live, because nobody knows how much longer he will make it. So, he asked me what I wanted out of our relationship, what I was trying to accomplish. I now believe he thinks I want his money or other physical tangibles when he dies, because of that question. I told him I wanted to go see him, that I wanted to remember what it was like to look into his eyes, and to feel his hug again, as he is dying and I was afraid I would never get to see him again. I told him I was just trying to fill in the 17 year gap we have between us, to understand more of who I was and where I was from. Well, you have to be careful of what you ask, cause I got a lot more of an answer than I bargained for. Hell, I didnt want a nice little bedtime story; I just wanted what I felt had been taken away from me a long time ago, and instead I got a blow way below the belt.
I then sarcastically asked him if I was a bastard child, to which he replied no. He claims that they had remained married for many years, and that two people can learn to love each other over time. I told him that was bullshit. He said that he always loved me and that I was a planned pregnancy. I told him I felt more like a child born out of spite, and that I had to go; I needed to get off the phone. He was telling me not to focus on the negative side of this story, but I told him I didnt know what I was supposed to feel anymore. I was trying to hold back tears of anger and pain; a new, more crimson form of anger and pain. I just said we would have to finish the conversation later and hung up after saying bye; no, I love you too from me this time, and I dont know when I will call him back either.
I have been struggling with some inner demons lately, trying to find a light in the darkest corners of my nightmarish mind. Some of my thoughts have been sliding pretty far south, but I have been aware of their presence, which is an important aspect. The problem with me hearing the kind of news I did is that it tends to summon up some of the screaming voices inside my head that I tried so hard to silence so many years ago. My soul hurts badly right now, and I feel like I dont really want to care anymore, which is exactly how I seem to remember feeling right before I pulled the shades down in my life, back in 1995.
I woke up early this morning, to savor as much of the daylight as I can today. Im not as angry, and I didnt self medicate last night. I am going to head into town today, run some errands and eventually end up on the beach. I think Ill watch the sun set into the ocean tonight before I come back home. At least my eyes are open enough to notice this red flag; lets hope I dont lose sight of it in the night
Normally, life tends to coincide with the ebbs and flows of this cosmic schedule, though I seem to be slightly off my axis at the moment. A proverbial bomb was dropped on me yesterday that has caused the sun to violently set much quicker and earlier than normal, and I am concerned of the darkness that is to follow. Lets just say that the fact there has been an anticipating type of foreshadowing building up in my soul lately makes about as much sense as the ominous tone of that word itself. I just must continually remind myself that it is always the darkest right before it begins to lighten up again.
The story I received felt similar to stitches being ripped out, in order to a deepen a cut, but without sewing it back up afterward, only to leave a gaping, jagged hole. Apparently I had 3 older step brothers, from my fathers side, all die when I was 6 or 7, though I never knew of them until now. They were 14, 15 and 17 when they passed, alongside their mother, whom I dont believe I ever met.
Supposedly, while my father and his friend were marines fighting in Vietnam, they were given special permission to leave for an emergency marriage of said friend, and his fiance; what the emergency was, Im not clear on. Once they arrived, the couple got into an altercation, and the wedding was called off. The bride was so upset that she hung herself, but the two marines couldnt go back to nam without a marriage certificate, or else they would be court marshaled. Somehow, without his consent, papers were signed for my father to marry my mother, even though he had 2 children, which werent spoken of before, with another woman, Linda, but their relationship was obviously secretive in many ways. They had been seeing each other without her familys knowledge, who was taking care of the kids.
My father saw Linda earlier the day that certificate was signed. They not only slept together, but he got her pregnant again for the 3rd time, without his knowledge. When she was later told by the government that he had married my mother, she got understandably upset. Her parents didnt like my father, so when he was back in Vietnam, they told her he had died in service. Keep in mind that this is about 5-6 years before I was born.
He said he didnt love my mother then, but for some reason, they stayed together and tried to make it work. Then he got the great idea to reproduce with a woman that he confessed to not love or willingly marry. I was born years later, after multiple attempts, but by this point, he said he was trying to have a child to save the marriage. However, he said that my mother knew he didnt love her, and wanted to get back at him, so she conspired to have me, only to take me away from him, in a vengeful manner. They divorced shortly after my seemingly spiteful arrival into this dime store romance novel type of situation that was to become of my life. As far as I know, he wasnt in contact with the other two children that he was aware of having before, so maybe that was a form of foreshadowing in itself.
5-6 years later, Im not sure where, how or why, but he ran into Linda and the 3 boys. He said he thought the 3rd was from her husband, which she told him she never married, and that he belonged to him. She also told him that she was under the impression that he was dead. They arranged to spend the next eight days together as a family, and he said he finally felt like his life was heading in the right direction. Then they went their separate ways, planning on meeting back up again at another place. Linda and my 3 step brothers boarded a plane that they never got off of alive.
I have never heard any of this before. Why did I come to find out about it now? My father is going to see a doctor today to discuss whether or not more surgeries will help him live, because nobody knows how much longer he will make it. So, he asked me what I wanted out of our relationship, what I was trying to accomplish. I now believe he thinks I want his money or other physical tangibles when he dies, because of that question. I told him I wanted to go see him, that I wanted to remember what it was like to look into his eyes, and to feel his hug again, as he is dying and I was afraid I would never get to see him again. I told him I was just trying to fill in the 17 year gap we have between us, to understand more of who I was and where I was from. Well, you have to be careful of what you ask, cause I got a lot more of an answer than I bargained for. Hell, I didnt want a nice little bedtime story; I just wanted what I felt had been taken away from me a long time ago, and instead I got a blow way below the belt.
I then sarcastically asked him if I was a bastard child, to which he replied no. He claims that they had remained married for many years, and that two people can learn to love each other over time. I told him that was bullshit. He said that he always loved me and that I was a planned pregnancy. I told him I felt more like a child born out of spite, and that I had to go; I needed to get off the phone. He was telling me not to focus on the negative side of this story, but I told him I didnt know what I was supposed to feel anymore. I was trying to hold back tears of anger and pain; a new, more crimson form of anger and pain. I just said we would have to finish the conversation later and hung up after saying bye; no, I love you too from me this time, and I dont know when I will call him back either.
I have been struggling with some inner demons lately, trying to find a light in the darkest corners of my nightmarish mind. Some of my thoughts have been sliding pretty far south, but I have been aware of their presence, which is an important aspect. The problem with me hearing the kind of news I did is that it tends to summon up some of the screaming voices inside my head that I tried so hard to silence so many years ago. My soul hurts badly right now, and I feel like I dont really want to care anymore, which is exactly how I seem to remember feeling right before I pulled the shades down in my life, back in 1995.
I woke up early this morning, to savor as much of the daylight as I can today. Im not as angry, and I didnt self medicate last night. I am going to head into town today, run some errands and eventually end up on the beach. I think Ill watch the sun set into the ocean tonight before I come back home. At least my eyes are open enough to notice this red flag; lets hope I dont lose sight of it in the night
niobe:
I wish I knew what to say. Thank you for sharing this. *HUGS*