Hello there SG world. (Here's the part where my anxieties start trying to take over)
Ehem. I don't remember the last blog I did; I wont bother, but I will go over what's been going on. Another one of those, just gotta write down my feelings and things so i can sleep I guess.
And so... I had some overwhelming anxieties happen to me within the last... 5 months. I think it's been going really well lately for me though. I recall going to the college and feeling really nervous and on the verge of panicking. Luckily my best bud was there. What happened was... the familiar "about a girl" story... except the girl had let me get so close to her that it damaged me really badly when she told me she was seeing other people; only to have pretty much stopped talking to me and such while leaving me completely spiraling down in my own ... thoughts... and overthinking... and over assessing ... and analyzing. Being left with those thoughts... xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
*Deep breathe*
Ehem. I honestly thought things were going really well with her too.
Ugh, moving past that little unfinished detail, it's taken me some time to cope and get over the situation. With talking to my pen pal and a therapist, I've been able to feel TONS better. I especially am grateful to my pen pal since she's the one I've been able to actually cheer up through.
*Gets distracted and takes like 30 mins to continue writing*
OKAY, anyways yes, being equipped with more knowledge and experience in how to deal with anxieties is what's been helping me tons. Such as things like, not looking into the past or, just generally thinking and focusing on better things that are more satisfying to me and whatever makes me happy. I've been advised not to pour my energy into video games and to get out and exercise but damn... I'm lazy and just... kind of still get anxiety just being outside when I LOOOVE laying down in my bed relaxing it out. Feels best when I get home from work though.
Oh! In other news I'm going to school again finally! :D
Hopefully that goes well. It's been too long and ... This will be good. *nods* Just gotta think positive. I'm trying out one class to get things rolling and so that I can become familiar with the place so that I can maintain my current job while looking for maybe a better job. Let's see how that goes.
As for my physical well being and dental issues...
My back pain has been feeling much better lately. I think I can almost start getting serious again about working out. ^o^ Yayy indoor exercise!
As for my teeth x.x ToT
I have teeth growing underneath my molars T_T ... I can't explain how painful they have been BUT I have taken some antibiotics and ibuprofen that was prescribed to me because... tooth infection.
The other time... yes the other time... wasn't as bad. One side was getting swollen and I had iced it down a bit and took ibuprofen i had on hand. That was 5 months ago I believe? maybe 6. So just recently about a week ago I went into a hospital and checked myself into an ER first thing in the morning because after the first two days it got terribly bad and VERY painful.
Skip ahead if you dont wanna read this tiny disgusting part about it. Well, it felt like there was a tongue growing inside the side of my mouth. Like a little flap of a tongue ughhh it was so oddly swollen!
So yeah, good times all around.
I've been trying to get a procedure done for the removal of said teeth but... *shakes head* it's pretty dangerous to get it done correctly and my insurance doesnt seem to be wanting to cover the procedure with anesthesia.
The thing is I went several months before to try and get it done once, but the thing was that I kept wanting to gag and vomit that we couldn't operate. I had been about two shots of mega numb fluids in and i felt uncomfortable as all hell. So when I finally went back, I noticed a "we now offer (certain type of calming gas)!"
So when I saw that I was like O:
I asked about it, and they still didn't want to do it because even though that might help, the specialist still did not feel comfortable about doing the surgery. Now it's about freaking out if someone breaks my jaw and I'll start bleeding all over the place or they're unable to sew my jaw back together. :/
Next month while I'm going to school, we're going to see if we can get this done. I don't know, I hardly make enough as it is so we'll see about that.
As for dealing with my past and the anxiety that came with it? Ughh! I have yet to deal with that girl...
She appeared at my job and I freaked the fuck out and had to sit down. That was about 2 weeks ago.
She gave me the most anxiety I ever experienced when I was left to think about what had happened between me and her a month before new years day. About a month before I believe.
I had a legit full blown anxiety attack. Dizzy, slightly blurred vision, uneasiness, I wanted to vomit, I felt weak, I felt like I was sort of drowning, I felt heavy, my brain felt like there was pressure in it, and my mind kept spiraling so much i felt sick to my stomach. It was so bad.
That same day I had a crush being asked out. I didnt know it at the time. Couldve made it worse for me. All I could do in that moment was take a break, breathe, get to my locker and get some clean water and take some ibuprofen.
During that whole time ... I think it became less about depression, and finally just realizing what anxiety could do to me. It gave me so much anxiety that I started having insomnia.
Come to think of it. This does seem familiar... Did I really type most of this stuff already before? I have a bad memory at times, but then again I don't often visit this site. I do love the beauty and the art of what the site has to offer.
If i could say what SG is my favorite person, I'd put my vote in for Marajade <3 Her streams are neat to watch and she's just soooo herself that it's pretty refreshing :)
I still haven't gone back to finish the book I'm writing. I ran into the part where I left off from highschool. The part where I stopped writing the story back in high school. So now all those ideas have to be written by the me 13 years later. That's a huge gap.
... Anyways that's enough rambling for now :P
Things I have learned within these past 6 month though. A better understanding of my anxieties, more awareness of people and what body language they say with, how to sort of be ok with stuff, and a little more on how to live? Eh... keep learning I say :) I like learning.
... k... bye SG land... goodnight for now. *hug*
-Reno