Tonight, or this morning, there is no suitable category. I need "Failed with a capitol F". Or Fucked. Fucking Failed?
Some days, no matter how fast I try to keep going, the 'demons of evil past' catch up just enough to snag the cloth of my "im ok" shroud.
Tonight they didn't just snag, they really sank their teeth in and would not let go until they had pulled me down with them.
I dont know about anyone else out there in the great abyss of the 21st century, but this cyber junky feels far safer behind her keyboard than out in the open where things seem to sting a little too much.
Its the same old story, girl meets boy, boy and girl play parts in silly excitement of something new, and then eventually, bamn! One of you goes a little beyond the other.
I have complained about age on here before, and everyone has their own view, but I have to be honest, Im getting really tired of the same old story. I feel like shit, again, and what makes it all the worse is the fact that this is such a familiar feeling. I was doing really well this time. I stayed single for a year and a half. Isn't the excitement of the chase the best part? I dont like the stuff that comes after that, or maybe I do like it so I keep going back, but the point is I am really bad at it.
The difference is I did everything different this time, from the start, and yet here I am, sad, hurt, bruised pride, and tired.
This time, for the first time, I walked up to him across a busy bar, and I gave him my number. This time I asked if I could kiss him at the end of our first date. And yes, a couple months into it, after too much wine and pott, I let out those 3 words without any guard or fear. Not out of courage, i really was just drunk and high. The worst part was, after realizing I really had said that out loud, the silence that met my statement. Whether I had meant what i said or not, i now had just taken the fun and made it...yucky.
But it didn't end there. He asked that we carry on, and i thought "why not?". I cant be bothered to bore anyone with the rest of the details, Im bored of it myself. I just know tonight, or last night, arrived and felt like one of the longest nights of my life.
Failed. On so many counts its ridiculous. There is a Dane Cook movie, My best friend's girl, and I remember at the end there is a montage to a Johnny Cash song. Its just fail after fail. That was me tonight.
So, what did I do to regain some pride? Snuck out early before he woke up. And the worst part of all??? Im dying as i sit here writing this. LOL! I snuck out without my knickers because I couldnt find them after losing them earlier in the night.
So I failed on about 10 counts, ran away like a child, cried my way home, and left my underwear as a last momento.
AWESOME!! ANd its not even mid day Saturday.
Some days, no matter how fast I try to keep going, the 'demons of evil past' catch up just enough to snag the cloth of my "im ok" shroud.
Tonight they didn't just snag, they really sank their teeth in and would not let go until they had pulled me down with them.
I dont know about anyone else out there in the great abyss of the 21st century, but this cyber junky feels far safer behind her keyboard than out in the open where things seem to sting a little too much.
Its the same old story, girl meets boy, boy and girl play parts in silly excitement of something new, and then eventually, bamn! One of you goes a little beyond the other.
I have complained about age on here before, and everyone has their own view, but I have to be honest, Im getting really tired of the same old story. I feel like shit, again, and what makes it all the worse is the fact that this is such a familiar feeling. I was doing really well this time. I stayed single for a year and a half. Isn't the excitement of the chase the best part? I dont like the stuff that comes after that, or maybe I do like it so I keep going back, but the point is I am really bad at it.
The difference is I did everything different this time, from the start, and yet here I am, sad, hurt, bruised pride, and tired.
This time, for the first time, I walked up to him across a busy bar, and I gave him my number. This time I asked if I could kiss him at the end of our first date. And yes, a couple months into it, after too much wine and pott, I let out those 3 words without any guard or fear. Not out of courage, i really was just drunk and high. The worst part was, after realizing I really had said that out loud, the silence that met my statement. Whether I had meant what i said or not, i now had just taken the fun and made it...yucky.
But it didn't end there. He asked that we carry on, and i thought "why not?". I cant be bothered to bore anyone with the rest of the details, Im bored of it myself. I just know tonight, or last night, arrived and felt like one of the longest nights of my life.
Failed. On so many counts its ridiculous. There is a Dane Cook movie, My best friend's girl, and I remember at the end there is a montage to a Johnny Cash song. Its just fail after fail. That was me tonight.
So, what did I do to regain some pride? Snuck out early before he woke up. And the worst part of all??? Im dying as i sit here writing this. LOL! I snuck out without my knickers because I couldnt find them after losing them earlier in the night.
So I failed on about 10 counts, ran away like a child, cried my way home, and left my underwear as a last momento.
AWESOME!! ANd its not even mid day Saturday.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
Hug and
Hard to comment without more info, but Love is a powerful word. Has a lot behind it, but like the word fuck, the meaning can be varied. It is always good when it pops up to clarify which one you mean. I freely say I love people and I do. But to be in love, that is an elusive construct. Very powerful, and rare.
Be strong, don't let your feelings and your mind be your own worst enemy.