A small battle stretchs through my consicousness and I know not what the outcome will be. The opponents are the known and the unknown, what I have now versus future possibilities. For too long the comfortable and the everyday have had footing on this ground. 7 years I've resided in this city and as the days turn into months, I realize that I have nothing to show for it. No friends here, no cozy setting to retreat to when I need relaxing, no place to practice my sport. I fault my job for most of this, requiring constant travel which leaves me little time to make connections. But I also don't feel akin with this city. There seems to be an oppression of some sort, choking off that which does not conform. The radio stations that don't play country are broadcasting classic rock, and the 'rock' station here circulates the same song list over and over, only supplementing new songs once in a blue moon. 'Rooster" by Alice in Chains is not 'new rock for Little Rock & all of central Arkansas'. The one station that did come in and breathe newness to the airwaves caved to the demographic and sold out after only a few months; now they play oldies. Quite a change from the Dresden Dolls and the Mars Volta.
So the fight in my mind occurss from the notion of leaving this place and settling someplace foreign, someplace new, someplace that I might start living again, not just existing. But money and material things are a powerful detractor. I owe the bank money, and leaving a paying full time job to acculumate moving expenses and face another climb up the workplace ladder just doesn't motivate me. I've played this scenario out so many times in the past few years, getting depressed and worked up about leaving and starting over, but always I find that I am stuck or just don't have the fortitude to execute my plan.
I'm not too worried at the moment about the outcome. I know the familiar will win out for the time being, but I feel a strong resurgence mounting on the future front. And maybe soon there will actually be a change. That is if I can keep focused on this instant and not let the spoils of complacency lure me away from opportunity.
in other news, I can hear a catiedid singing again. that always makes me smile
So the fight in my mind occurss from the notion of leaving this place and settling someplace foreign, someplace new, someplace that I might start living again, not just existing. But money and material things are a powerful detractor. I owe the bank money, and leaving a paying full time job to acculumate moving expenses and face another climb up the workplace ladder just doesn't motivate me. I've played this scenario out so many times in the past few years, getting depressed and worked up about leaving and starting over, but always I find that I am stuck or just don't have the fortitude to execute my plan.
I'm not too worried at the moment about the outcome. I know the familiar will win out for the time being, but I feel a strong resurgence mounting on the future front. And maybe soon there will actually be a change. That is if I can keep focused on this instant and not let the spoils of complacency lure me away from opportunity.
in other news, I can hear a catiedid singing again. that always makes me smile