i'm feeling bitter. maybe bittersweet.

i know that eventually i'm going to look back on all this fondly. the perpetual sadness. the swelling emotions. the highs and lows. the highs, especially. my highs are lovely.

point being, that time hasn't come yet. i'm still a sniveling basketcase of dispair, and the pain isn't beautiful yet. how do fuckin goths do it?

billy corgan's reuniting the smashing pumpkins. at first i thought i'd be thrilled. half the reason i can't listen to the pumpkins anymore has to do with the fact that i loved them. i loved them, loved them, loved them.. and then they were gone. when the pumpkins split, i felt like an epoch had ended. and that i had been part of it. and that part of me was dead along with it.

chuck klosterman talks a lot about feeling reminiscent for the very recent past. i do that a lot. does everyone? is it extremely typical? someone tell me these things. i suppose it comes and goes with youth. i can't feel reminiscent for anything but the recent past, really. i'm not very old. there's nothing truly epochal for me to recollect.

my junior year rocked. hard. i was a different person. i was dating a jew. one of the nice ones. i had a million friends. i was happy and content and busy. i wrote more too. now i'm in unfamiliar territory with few friends. the friends i DO have are much older than me. fuck it, whatever. i know things'll progress. i just wish could let them.


junior prom. i'm the one with the goofy ears and the slutty french manicure.