edit: so i guess i'm going home tonight. i don't want to. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be anywhere. bob's watching 'revenge of the sith'. a shitty, shitty copy. i don't know what to do. i'm dying of boredom/depression right now. i wish to god there was some way to distract myself, but there's nothing to do in this shithole apartment. i was looking forward to getting the tattoo i'd planned on getting tomorrow, but it looks like i don't have the dough for it. and the artist is leaving tomorrow. fuckin let-downs.
i hate feeling like this.
last night was the anniversary party. the pirate party. the party i've been looking forward to/helping out with for the past month. woke up excited. arrived around 9 a.m. to help out.
shit started picking up around four-thirty or so. maybe five. fifty or so people. half of which i've met at least once. ten or fifteen i chide with on a daily basis, namely the throwers of the fiesta.
fifty to sixty people. and i felt alone. i shouldn't have. i wasn't. but i was. i ended up isolating myself throughout about half the party. watched a sunset. drank eight martinis. added about twice the tequila with each one and still didn't get drunk enough to feel happy.
fuck.
maybe some of you have been to hell and back. maybe some of you have experienced trauma. real fuckin pain. desperation. maybe some of you have fought for your life. why don't we feel extraordinary? with the stories some of us could tell, we could bring a stadium to tears. make people think we're heroes.
but do we ever feel like heroes? don't we feel strikingly normal? because we are. if you torture a puppy from birth, and then let it out as a full-grown dog into the world, that dog's behavior is significantly different than that of the every-day house-trained dog or alley dog. past differences shape us greatly, but they don't make us extraordinary for living through them. that poor dog isn't any more exceptional than other dogs. people just feel sorrier for them.
i'd trade the pity any day to really be remarkable.
i hate feeling like this.
last night was the anniversary party. the pirate party. the party i've been looking forward to/helping out with for the past month. woke up excited. arrived around 9 a.m. to help out.
shit started picking up around four-thirty or so. maybe five. fifty or so people. half of which i've met at least once. ten or fifteen i chide with on a daily basis, namely the throwers of the fiesta.
fifty to sixty people. and i felt alone. i shouldn't have. i wasn't. but i was. i ended up isolating myself throughout about half the party. watched a sunset. drank eight martinis. added about twice the tequila with each one and still didn't get drunk enough to feel happy.
fuck.
maybe some of you have been to hell and back. maybe some of you have experienced trauma. real fuckin pain. desperation. maybe some of you have fought for your life. why don't we feel extraordinary? with the stories some of us could tell, we could bring a stadium to tears. make people think we're heroes.
but do we ever feel like heroes? don't we feel strikingly normal? because we are. if you torture a puppy from birth, and then let it out as a full-grown dog into the world, that dog's behavior is significantly different than that of the every-day house-trained dog or alley dog. past differences shape us greatly, but they don't make us extraordinary for living through them. that poor dog isn't any more exceptional than other dogs. people just feel sorrier for them.
i'd trade the pity any day to really be remarkable.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
...is Bob a boyfriend, husband, father, stepfather?
Many people have been to hell and back. Why don't we feel exceptional? Well, I guess it's because most people steep themselves in a kind of existential hell and don't realize it. And those of us with feelers more sensitive than most, well, we get hurt a lot because we haven't grown a film of teflon over us like most of the world has... hence why we get hurt and they proceed as if nothing is bothering them.
It's like running over a speed bump in an SUV.
I don't feel exceptional when I think of how much, and why, I've suffered in the past. I just keep that hurt in mind, like keeping a Thesaurus on the shelf, so I can reference it next time I need to.
"What? My girlfriend just cheated on me... with six other dudes... at the same time... and the video's on eBay?... Well, this is pennies compared to when my best friend passed away."
It's crude, but this is just a few words I thought might help.
But why this feeling of lonliness?
Is there a cause?
OK, that was a stupid question- I mean a cause you can identify, or admit to?
Well, hit me back with some more details on this and I'll help in any way I can...
won't you join me?