reina_confundida

The difference between survival and living well is enormous.

I grew up learning how to survive, how to adapt, to make do, problem-solve. Not always, or often, even, in a gritty true "survival" way, but much more often in a "dear god, please don't make me do that" way. Since age, oh, say, 17 or so, it's mostly been in a, "dear god, please, please let me make enough money to pay my rent so i don't have to move home/declare bankruptcy/have my car repo'd, etc." kind of a way.

Thus far, I've been pretty good at avoiding those potential downfalls, but with a cost... taking nearly anything and everything that's thrown at me, job-wise, with little regard or thought as to what I actually want to be when I grow up. Advantage: I've got skills all over the map, design, tech, marketing, management, retail, etc. Disadvantage: sometimes I say yes too readily and get myself into things that I don't really want to do. Then, I keep doing, because I fear, DEEPLY, that the universe will smite me for letting something pass me by, and not send anything to follow in its place.

I have a freelance client that I need to let go. Despite having figured out years ago that my business model was based on hourly rate design, rather than on a flat-rate per-project basis, I agreed to a monthly retainer rate for a social media marketing/design combo role.

Two months later: stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid. What was supposed to be 7-ish hours/week, roughly $30/hour (already a HUGE discount over my normal design rate) has become nearly 30 hours/week for less than I make at Trader Joe's. I'm managing people and running projects. I email clients and have to be available for conference calls. I develop major marketing campaigns and research trends and technology. This was supposed to just be about updating a blog and Facebook status updates, with an occasional design project thrown in. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

It's been a fun experiment, and I like the woman in charge and the company, and it gnaws enormous holes in the pit of my stomach to consider cutting the cord, particularly to an amount of money that, though small, guarantees that my rent will be paid every month. But they're driving me crazy. It's a full-time job for roughly 15% of what I was making the last time I had a full-time job. 15%! Jesus!

I have to send the email today. I'm dreading it. But it must be done. I've conquered the latest attempt at survival... time to figure out how to live well.



P.S. So how's this for awkward: went with the boy to his friend's house for a wee dinner party the other night. Having a good time, kickin' back some beers, and a guy and his girlfriend walk in. I know him. Totally know him. Can't place him. School? Around town? One of the 10 kajillion jobs in my past? I introduce myself, with an "I know you from somewhere..."

"We went on a date. Once."

Uh... shit. Right. Back in my serial internet dating phase. Different boy every Friday night. Never called any of them again. Didn't sleep with most of them. Split the tab with most of them. Basically just enjoyed the attention. Deleted most of their contact info. Can't remember most of their names and faces. Like, say, for instance, this guy.

We had an awkward moment and a little chuckle and just sort of avoided each other the rest of the evening. Interesting reminder, though, of what a teensy tiny place the North Shore is much of the time...