Sometimes when you talk I try to understand what you're saying.. it's like when there's a big rainstorm and you're trying to see out the windshield and not crash...
I hear your words but, sometimes I wonder if you're telling me things because you think it's what I wanted to hear..
I'm slowly starting to realize that actions definitely speak louder then words.. sometimes I feel like someone who was thrown from a moving vehicle and they can see everything that's going on but they can't understand it...
For me.. it's the words you've spoken to me in the past that are sadly forever etched in my mind and they replay from time to time like a broken record..
You told me that you're so tired of the people who are close to you being taken from you and feeling helpless to do anything about it. That you're scared that one day you're going to wake up and they're just going to be gone.That you're going to be alone and have so many questions and so much doubt and guilt that you couldn't do anything to protect them.To save them. You have told me that you're so afraid of losing me and that our relationship is scary because of our past of almost losing me during surgery and losing our child...
However.. not even about four months after we split you were already dating someone.. it sucked because in the same week that you met her you had told me that you wanted to try again.. and I guess I started to question myself... Was it me?? Am I not a good partner, am I not worthy.. am I not lovable.. what did I do??
I felt like if the words you spoke before were true... Why would you be dating someone and getting close to them??? Honestly all I wanted was a second to chance to try again.. if we didn't work out at least I could say proudly that we tried... We didn't break up because. We didn't love one another or want one another etc.. we broke up because you had stuff you had to work on, we broke up because you were in pain about our loss which believe me I understood that pain... But it's just so hard not to think that your words were just there to please me and make me happy at that time, because of the fact that you did move on so fast. You're not a bad guy, and I won't ever let anyone ever say that about you... But writing this stuff out is part of my therapy.. it's part of my letting go process.. I hope to one day be like you, to be able to move on..to try again with someone else, I hope to one day just be fully happy again... To let go of you fully.. because I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that even though I still have hope of us getting back together.. it's probably never gonna happen.. the only thing I wish.. I wish you had never told me those words and then turned around and got into a relationship.. because it really fucked with me. I wish you could of talked it out and tried again with me...
I wish when you told me that you loved me and wanted me back again.. that you had actually meant it. I'm always gonna love you BME sadly that will probably never go away, you will always be my best friend..I just hope to one day he like you.. I guess in a sense I'm jealous.. but I know one day I should be able to let go and move on.. until then for me I guess there will be a ton of unanswered shit...
