have you ever realized that we as humans seek out what is familiar to us? what we experienced as a child we tend to seek out in our adult lives, whether conciously or subconciously. i noticed the trend in my life only because it was pointed out to me today by my psychiatrist.
somehow i've ended up once again being dependent on someone who is physically abusive to me. the cycle of abuse runs not only in the people who are abusive but in people who are abused as well. i guess subconciosly i've picked justin because he possesses the same traits as my past ex-boyfriends, step-father, father, brother, employers, etc. i suppose i like what is familiar and in a way even feel safe in what is familiar because it is predictable.
(the phone is ringing...i'm going to ignore it...it's probably justin)
i never would have guessed that justin would act out in a physically abusive manner towards me. i guess a year isn't a long enough time to get to know a person, i mean REALLY know a person. i suppose those agressive traits in him that are beginning to surface, are only now appearing because he finally feels comfortable enough with me to allow them to. statistically, abuse doesn't happen in relationships until there is a certain level of intimacy and interdependence. sadly, we've reached that level where he feels comfortable enough with me that he can hit me.
of course, know he feels guilty and is in the remorseful stage where he is apologetic and begging for forgiveness. he'll do anything to make things better, he wants help with his problems and he'll never do it again. i don't know what to do or what to think. i've been in this situation before and the cycle just continues. abuse, remorse, a lull where things seem alright, more stress, abuse, remorse etc, etc.
i really thought that justin was different. and now my whole world has turned upside down. i don't know what to do, what to think, where to go, who to go to. i don't know what's in store for my future, i don't know what i'm going to do about work, about school, about my living situation, about money, about food, about anything. i don't know. i just don't know. i don't want to do anything drastic or make any decisions right now when i can't even think straight. i should do something but i don't know what.
somehow i've ended up once again being dependent on someone who is physically abusive to me. the cycle of abuse runs not only in the people who are abusive but in people who are abused as well. i guess subconciosly i've picked justin because he possesses the same traits as my past ex-boyfriends, step-father, father, brother, employers, etc. i suppose i like what is familiar and in a way even feel safe in what is familiar because it is predictable.
(the phone is ringing...i'm going to ignore it...it's probably justin)
i never would have guessed that justin would act out in a physically abusive manner towards me. i guess a year isn't a long enough time to get to know a person, i mean REALLY know a person. i suppose those agressive traits in him that are beginning to surface, are only now appearing because he finally feels comfortable enough with me to allow them to. statistically, abuse doesn't happen in relationships until there is a certain level of intimacy and interdependence. sadly, we've reached that level where he feels comfortable enough with me that he can hit me.
of course, know he feels guilty and is in the remorseful stage where he is apologetic and begging for forgiveness. he'll do anything to make things better, he wants help with his problems and he'll never do it again. i don't know what to do or what to think. i've been in this situation before and the cycle just continues. abuse, remorse, a lull where things seem alright, more stress, abuse, remorse etc, etc.
i really thought that justin was different. and now my whole world has turned upside down. i don't know what to do, what to think, where to go, who to go to. i don't know what's in store for my future, i don't know what i'm going to do about work, about school, about my living situation, about money, about food, about anything. i don't know. i just don't know. i don't want to do anything drastic or make any decisions right now when i can't even think straight. i should do something but i don't know what.
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Love,
T~