recoveringmale

I feel so crowded. So overextended. I have some friends who I call once in a while and neglect the rest of the time, and more and more when I make plans to see them it is out of a feeling of obligation, not desire. Its not that I dont care for them I dont want to hurt anyone, and certainly dont want to seem rude or selfish (though both of these things are within me) but I want to push everyone away at the same time. I feel like withdrawing into myself I have not been alone for three years, and now time is going and I am still heartsick over Rain (time is not healing this) and I am lonely and horny all the time. Before I met Rain, my thought had been to take some time alone and cultivate myself as I wanted to be, as every time I got into a relationship, sooner or later I stopped being myself and just fed off the other person. In three years I havent spent nearly enough time working on disciplining myself, figuring out what I have to offer. If I give in to temptation or start seeing someone it will just be the same all over again. The emotional cruelty and the inability to give of myself. It would, by necessity, end in tears, for these problems are not new. They took apart the past and helped to damage people I loved. Is it not a cruel thing now to impose myself on anyone before I have worked through this? I wish I knew with any kind of certainty. Part of me thinks Im being overly harsh, slightly perfectionist. I propose a self-imposed solitude until I feel Ive addressed my own fucked-up emotional situation, before anyone makes the mistake of letting me get my hooks in them again. But I dont know if its the right thing. Perhaps Ill end up more emotionally walled up than ever, and just make it all worse. Maybe I will come out of it a better person. But I just dont know. I want to embrace life, to interact and connect with people, converse and so on but no one can come close to me now. Im not strong enough to keep from slipping into my old habits. If I dont develop some new ones Ill never be happy, but is this the way? Knowing full well that one of my worst tendencies is to suck the joy out of anything I do or feel, and prevent happiness wherever it might be found, I cant help but wonder if this decision is not counterproductive. I am going to throw myself into things again; start playing guitar (and perhaps writing songs), to read more (and more intelligently) and to structure my time so I dont feel like I have none of it at all. These are all good things. But I cant let anyone in right now, and it makes me sick to my stomach knowing that I might be needlessly condemning myself to isolation. You could try and convince me of it, but if I know anything, its that my weakness has always won out; when I had the choice, I did the selfish thing. I saw the right thing in my mind, yet never acted with honor. How can I go on as before? Sometimes there is no best choice, no right answer. Life is not either this or that.