recoveringmale

I have never felt as alone as I do now.

I sleep in as late as I can, and then my thoughts start creeping back in and I can't sleep anymore.

I was completely useless at work. I kept going to the bathroom on my breaks to cry for short, 2-minute spurts, then wipe my eyes and go back to service with a smile.

Rain is gone. There are moments when I feel almost unable to keep myself from calling her, or going over to see her, but I won't do those things. In this situation, I got off light compared to her. It'd only make it worse if I gave into those urges, which in the end are really selfishly motivated.

I miss you so much. So fucking much.

And there is no one to talk to. And the thing I really need more than anything right now is someone to just wrap my arms around so I can cry on their shoulder. Family out of the question. No close friends around here. No comfort object cats. I haven't got the internet at my house, so I'm lost from even my friends here on SG, with the exception of these library visits.

And it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't know in my heart that she's out there alone, worse off than I, and the only thing I can do to help is to do nothing at all. (Queue the masochist in me to begin the self-abuse here)

It's funny, you know... in one of our first conversations several months ago (via email), I had just gotten out of a relationship, and was talking about how I was listening to all my sad music and being miserable and was about to go put on Sea Change... She told me I'd be a fool to listen to that when I was so upset already. Perhaps she was right. I haven't had the stomach for it yet... but even Hedwig has me in tears when certain songs come around. Maybe what they say is true. Maybe a dose of bad pop music is in order, because for once it will all seem so meaningful. I don't know.

What I know is that I want my girlfriend. To hold her in my arms and never let go.

And now, although it's not poetry day, a piece from my friend Jeff, since I don't know when I'll be able to update next.


rightsideup.

a yellow chair.
by the water.
glossing and shimmering and tasting the breath of the wind.
the gentle breath.
that turned the chair upside down.

I'd have done anything.
to steal.
to steal away.
to steal away your pain and crush it beneath my thumb.
beneath the gentle breath of my hands.
the ones that whisper like water upon your skin.
the ones that whisper "i love you" in the graceful silence of night.
the ones that long to feel your pulse, your beating heart.
thumping it's dreams into my blood.
the ones that belong in yours.
the ones that turned the chair right side up.
for you to sit in.

and rest.

~jeff pitcher