Woah! Guess it's been a while... sorry about that, Compy... Need to get some N-dust...
I am 24 today. All I can really think is, what the hell did I do all year? Let's see, I moved to a new town, worked as a street canvasser for OSPIRG (bad), a telemarketer (worse), and finally settled into the positon of coffeehouse slave. This past year saw the end of one long and sad relationship and the beginning of an intense and demanding new one. Lessons were learned and forgotten. In late December it snowed and everything was made new and pure and beautiful for a time, even though it was a pain in the ass to get around in and even worse to try and move during.
And I wasted a lot of time.
It seems wise to try and set down a few goals for the next year. Although I am missing the point a bit doing that, what I really need to work on is being mindful of things, being present in my own life, and paying attention to where I am, etc etc. Engaging with people and thinking for myself. Whatever you think of it, these are things I do little to not at all. Being goal-oriented is really not what I need. The process must be the thing. I have, at least in the last few years, lived like I was walking through a dream: Everything was kind of interesting but always outside my concern, very aloof and oblivious, and I never really cared what went on because I knew no matter what I did I would be safe and not hurt. In my safe little dream, there's no need for thoughts or opinions. No risk to my person, and nothing at stake.
But these days I have entered into a life where I have to either wake up from this little dream or lose someone very important to me, and perhaps even lose the dreams I have for myself, however obscure and loosely designed they might be. I run and run in circles, usually ending up on the verge of some major breakthrough or revelation, only to quit right before I start any actual work. It was put to me: when are you gonna get your shit together?
When will I forget about how life is supposed to be and look at what life is? When will I stop concerning myself with how others think of me and start being concerned with actually cultivating someone worth being? Someone worth thinking of? Developing interests and curiosity?
For any of you who have read my journal before, sorry if this seems repititive. I know I've been saying these things for some time, getting stuck on asking the same questions, never actually getting around to answering them. We forget our revelations so we can have them all over again, and keep from getting anywhere new. And the thing about it is, after a while you start to lose credibility. I'm gonna get my life on track. I'm gonna get it together. I'm gonna be what I always wanted to be, starting now.
Stop if you think that you've heard this one before...
So I can't rely on the enthusiasm of a new resoluton to carry me anymore. The fires of ideology are gone out, now there's only me and the hard road of doing the work required to get me there. What I've always avoided: the work, the habit, the process, the practice.
Anyway. I'm spending a week in my beloved stomping grounds of Berkeley and San Francisco, a week off from the real world. Hopefully I'll return home with a new computer, one that isn't a complete piece of crap.
A new year. TCB.
Cheers.
I am 24 today. All I can really think is, what the hell did I do all year? Let's see, I moved to a new town, worked as a street canvasser for OSPIRG (bad), a telemarketer (worse), and finally settled into the positon of coffeehouse slave. This past year saw the end of one long and sad relationship and the beginning of an intense and demanding new one. Lessons were learned and forgotten. In late December it snowed and everything was made new and pure and beautiful for a time, even though it was a pain in the ass to get around in and even worse to try and move during.
And I wasted a lot of time.
It seems wise to try and set down a few goals for the next year. Although I am missing the point a bit doing that, what I really need to work on is being mindful of things, being present in my own life, and paying attention to where I am, etc etc. Engaging with people and thinking for myself. Whatever you think of it, these are things I do little to not at all. Being goal-oriented is really not what I need. The process must be the thing. I have, at least in the last few years, lived like I was walking through a dream: Everything was kind of interesting but always outside my concern, very aloof and oblivious, and I never really cared what went on because I knew no matter what I did I would be safe and not hurt. In my safe little dream, there's no need for thoughts or opinions. No risk to my person, and nothing at stake.
But these days I have entered into a life where I have to either wake up from this little dream or lose someone very important to me, and perhaps even lose the dreams I have for myself, however obscure and loosely designed they might be. I run and run in circles, usually ending up on the verge of some major breakthrough or revelation, only to quit right before I start any actual work. It was put to me: when are you gonna get your shit together?
When will I forget about how life is supposed to be and look at what life is? When will I stop concerning myself with how others think of me and start being concerned with actually cultivating someone worth being? Someone worth thinking of? Developing interests and curiosity?
For any of you who have read my journal before, sorry if this seems repititive. I know I've been saying these things for some time, getting stuck on asking the same questions, never actually getting around to answering them. We forget our revelations so we can have them all over again, and keep from getting anywhere new. And the thing about it is, after a while you start to lose credibility. I'm gonna get my life on track. I'm gonna get it together. I'm gonna be what I always wanted to be, starting now.
Stop if you think that you've heard this one before...
So I can't rely on the enthusiasm of a new resoluton to carry me anymore. The fires of ideology are gone out, now there's only me and the hard road of doing the work required to get me there. What I've always avoided: the work, the habit, the process, the practice.
Anyway. I'm spending a week in my beloved stomping grounds of Berkeley and San Francisco, a week off from the real world. Hopefully I'll return home with a new computer, one that isn't a complete piece of crap.
A new year. TCB.
Cheers.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
valen:
Glad to see an update from you. I was beginning to wonder if you were still around. I don't know what it is about turning 24, but it sure brings up all of those feelings you are describing.
babyblue:
Dude, we missed your birthday? That's no good. You and hansel are like one day apart. Twas good to see you last night. 