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recoveringmale

Member Since 2003

Followers 3 Following 20

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Friday May 21, 2004

May 21, 2004
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I am sitting here amidst boxes of books, listening to Pink Moon as I begin packing my life up once again, preparing to move to a new place. The past few days have been marked with change all around; looking to find a new job (shying away from anything that requires me to get up at 4 am), moving, and finally beginning to do some of the things I have been ever putting off. I realize that I have always been goal-oriented in every aspect of my life, demanding some kind of instant result or gratification or validation in whatever I did, writing or crunches or meditation. Focusing on how long I can "go" during sex, I am thinking about the end and not the present moment. Been reading the Good Vibes book and this for a while, and all the practices and breathing (meditation, more or less) that relate to sex and pleasure all also put the emphasis on the present, on being mindful. It is that mindset which I now am trying to implement in all my activities, focusing on the process and not the outcome. Doing freewrites, I can never beat the clock, and the more I try the more exasperated I get. Countless hours of useless writing about my own self-loathing, because all the while I was trying to "get somewhere." But rushing through it, looking at the timer, never gave me anything worth keeping. And as much as I knew the problem intellectually, I couldn't seem to grasp it in a way that I could put into practice.
I have been on a juice fast for the past five days, nothing but Trader Joe's goodness and water, in an attempt to exercise some self-control, which I all too often find lacking. After a few days of it I thought I would certainly give in. But today is the last day of my fast, and I feel pretty good (although a bit hungry). If I can do this, I can do these other things too. The mind can understand so many things, but before they sink in to realizations that just hit you over the head with their simplicity, they bounce off the walls that have been there for so long. Then I can start to move in the right direction. A long road ahead, but not looking too far. This is not the end, this is a beginning.

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