recoveringmale

i am a sad bastard today. no real reason for it, more a cycle i spin through, up days and down and back and forth. directly correlating to the amount of action i have taken in dealing with annoying realities and responsibilites like getting my car registered and insured, my health insurance taken care of, my college application info filed away, and so on. since as far back as i can remember, leaving important things to the last minute has always been in my blood, and it has always, always come back to bite me in the ass. you'd think i'd have learned my lesson by now.
this mood swing/up-down stuff doesn't trouble me, it's not medical or psychological disorder or anything, just a predilection for either being blissfully jubilant, content to read and fuck and watch the daily show and eat ice cream and forget about my responsibilities, to coming home from work burnt out and a mental list of things to do that i should have done months ago. part of me could step back and really understand that none of these things are too dire, that the end of the world will not shortly be upon me should any of them fall through... but i conveniently forget that when the deadlines draw nigh. how curious that we, sorry, i, selectively forget such important perspectives and things when i need them most. in my relationship, i will temporarily blank out memories where my love has told me what i mean to her, memories of affection and things that i might do well to remember when insecurity and fear strike me. or when i sit down to write and all i know of storytelling, the organic and evolving process of discovery through the telling, flies out the window; when in other scenarios it seems as second-nature to me as masturbating. and, bringing it back to the subject at hand, when life deadlines loom, i forget that i am all right these days, working and surviving in a city/state with the worst unemployment rate in the US, eating more heathily than ever before, having given up meat and alcohol completely, with a wonderful girlfriend who has consistenly blown away my expectations and standards for what a relationship can be, and aided in my ever-increasing awareness and comfort with my own body's sexuality. you'd think i'd hang on to these little details. actually, i tend to dwell on how i'm never going to escape the drudgery of working shit jobs, being in debt to my father and forever failing to realize any sort of potential because i clung too tightly to control, perfectionism, fear and cowardly hypocritical elitism to ever take a step in the right direction. i think about these things.