How can he make me feel so incredible and so awfully dead all in the same day, much less the same lifetime? I don't know what to do...all I know is that I have yet to be worth jack shit to anyone.
**edit**
Right after I wrote that last night I went to bed because I was drunk and high and crying because Jeremy and I had a crazy heart to heart, and were sad and crying (and slightly pathetic). But in the morning - we woke up and I said, "are we cool?"
He assured me that were always cool and that he's sorry for being crazy sometimes.
He told me so many times this weekend that he cares about me. I have never heard that until now. He said he's afraid of me leaving him - though we're technically not together. Commitment freaks him out - and I finally see and believe him that he really does like me, it's not that I am not important enough or not good enough. He fucking told me I am smarter than him and that it's incredibly sexy...dude - Jeremy is literally a fucking genius - and he respects my intelligence more than his own. He shouldn't feel that way, but it's wonderful that he does - because I feel the same way for him.
He and I are FINALLY on the same page - and that is an incredible feat in itself. I am so lucky to know him and care for him. He has simultaneously become a sex partner and a best friend, and until now - we have always tried to keep those separated. I feel incredible.
He said he's not coming next weekend since he won't have a car set up by then, but deep down - I know that 12 nights is a long time at your parents house in your hometown when you don't really belong there. And deep down, I think he knows I'll call him tomorrow - and if he loses it, he knows Krystina or I care enough to come get him.
We both are coming from some seriously heavy shit. He lost a girlfriend of 4 years, she cheated on him in the process, he stopped school and his apartment become some sort of halfway house in the winter. He lived this fucked up, halfass partying life along with his hurt for Jade and confusion and disappointment with losing his scholarship. He just talked to me today - he is finally getting closer to moving on from Jade. When we met - he still was in love with her. He had so much anger. He's much more mellow now, he's more open to people again, he smiles more. He started classes, he moved home and doesn't party there. He still loves and cares for Jade. But it isn't selfish or angry anymore...at least not that I see. It seems like he just feels best knowing that she's happy and ok, and that he can move on.
I had this crazy first year of college. One that most of you have read about in the rest of my journal. Complete with depression, lonliness, loss of a best friend/roommate, crazy rapist, and feeling like a total failure. I met Jeremy and he hit on me. Then he got to know me - and still could dig me. I worked so hard to see him this summer - and I never intended on doing it, or really expected us to become this close. I just liked things feeling good and did what felt right usually. Cheezy and crazy as it sounds...but that guy fucked with me almost one year ago (October 10). I never have wanted to admit it to myself how much that one guy messed me up. It was like I had this crazy streak of guys never liking me, and then I hit 18 and a few guys started digging me, but most were creeps. Then I get to college and the big shabang at the end of the streak is a guy trying to rape me for 4 hours. Yay....but there was this crazy period after that. My dealing with that incodent, and how it lined up with the rest of my life. There were a few guys who I thought were cool - but most turned out to be dicks, too. Then I met Jeremy - the guy who said right off the bat that he didn't want anything real. And it's evolved into the most real romamtic relationship I have ever experienced.
I am sorry for ranting - but my head's swimming on this shit right now. And this is my journal - so I am allowed to rant on the boy subject, right? Ahhh...class tomorrow. It's 4 am and I need sleep.
He made his dad beep the horn at me when they drove by on high street to go home. He hollered out the window some cheezy shit - and I got all girly after I smiled and waved. And I totally realized how lucky I am right now to experience any of this. It's absolutely awesome.
Goodnight guys.
**edit**
Right after I wrote that last night I went to bed because I was drunk and high and crying because Jeremy and I had a crazy heart to heart, and were sad and crying (and slightly pathetic). But in the morning - we woke up and I said, "are we cool?"
He assured me that were always cool and that he's sorry for being crazy sometimes.
He told me so many times this weekend that he cares about me. I have never heard that until now. He said he's afraid of me leaving him - though we're technically not together. Commitment freaks him out - and I finally see and believe him that he really does like me, it's not that I am not important enough or not good enough. He fucking told me I am smarter than him and that it's incredibly sexy...dude - Jeremy is literally a fucking genius - and he respects my intelligence more than his own. He shouldn't feel that way, but it's wonderful that he does - because I feel the same way for him.
He and I are FINALLY on the same page - and that is an incredible feat in itself. I am so lucky to know him and care for him. He has simultaneously become a sex partner and a best friend, and until now - we have always tried to keep those separated. I feel incredible.
He said he's not coming next weekend since he won't have a car set up by then, but deep down - I know that 12 nights is a long time at your parents house in your hometown when you don't really belong there. And deep down, I think he knows I'll call him tomorrow - and if he loses it, he knows Krystina or I care enough to come get him.
We both are coming from some seriously heavy shit. He lost a girlfriend of 4 years, she cheated on him in the process, he stopped school and his apartment become some sort of halfway house in the winter. He lived this fucked up, halfass partying life along with his hurt for Jade and confusion and disappointment with losing his scholarship. He just talked to me today - he is finally getting closer to moving on from Jade. When we met - he still was in love with her. He had so much anger. He's much more mellow now, he's more open to people again, he smiles more. He started classes, he moved home and doesn't party there. He still loves and cares for Jade. But it isn't selfish or angry anymore...at least not that I see. It seems like he just feels best knowing that she's happy and ok, and that he can move on.
I had this crazy first year of college. One that most of you have read about in the rest of my journal. Complete with depression, lonliness, loss of a best friend/roommate, crazy rapist, and feeling like a total failure. I met Jeremy and he hit on me. Then he got to know me - and still could dig me. I worked so hard to see him this summer - and I never intended on doing it, or really expected us to become this close. I just liked things feeling good and did what felt right usually. Cheezy and crazy as it sounds...but that guy fucked with me almost one year ago (October 10). I never have wanted to admit it to myself how much that one guy messed me up. It was like I had this crazy streak of guys never liking me, and then I hit 18 and a few guys started digging me, but most were creeps. Then I get to college and the big shabang at the end of the streak is a guy trying to rape me for 4 hours. Yay....but there was this crazy period after that. My dealing with that incodent, and how it lined up with the rest of my life. There were a few guys who I thought were cool - but most turned out to be dicks, too. Then I met Jeremy - the guy who said right off the bat that he didn't want anything real. And it's evolved into the most real romamtic relationship I have ever experienced.
I am sorry for ranting - but my head's swimming on this shit right now. And this is my journal - so I am allowed to rant on the boy subject, right? Ahhh...class tomorrow. It's 4 am and I need sleep.
He made his dad beep the horn at me when they drove by on high street to go home. He hollered out the window some cheezy shit - and I got all girly after I smiled and waved. And I totally realized how lucky I am right now to experience any of this. It's absolutely awesome.
Goodnight guys.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
undressyourheart:
<3
verucalelu:
lindsay!!! too bad you got me and krystina hooked on this....