recordandplay

Hmmm...I was just saying to Laura (UndressYourHeart) that it's amazing how emotions can make me feel - physically.

I saw that she had IMed me and I told her that how in th epast hour I've grown incredibly irritable. My feet are killing me, I move in 2 days and I haven't even started packing, my car was the victim of a hit and run in Cleveland yesterday, the IBM guy came and my speakers still don't work, I found 1/2 of my broken glasses, and I have 20 million things to do before I leave. On top of that, I miss my friends, I miss Jeremy, and when I leave Medina I am going to miss my family. And GOD do I need to practice. *sigh* I don't know. I get that physical response to my emotions though when I mention missing people. I told Laura that my heart feels really heavy right now. I remember in Middle School and High School - I felt like this every day. Last fall and winter were awful - I felt like this every hour. But spring and summer have been better. I met Jeremy - I found some good friends...and while there's been craziness and sad things and bad things - there's been a balance. I'd like to refine this balance, starting Friday when I move into the apartment. Madness... I have an apartment. With my own "home" phone number and bills and kitchen. Awesome.

Still going on that topic of physical emotion... I feel it a lot. Good ones, too. Sometimes when I hug someone, I literally feel my insides glow. I feel like my heart is jumping out of my chest and into his or hers. It's incredible. I feel it with Christine a lot - and Jeremy. Today I was driving home and the weather was incredible. I breathed in and it smelled SO GOOD. It smelled like fall and the country (I was driving home from Copley in BFE). I swear, the smell made my head spin, and made my heart jump.

So I guess as I gush about all of this - I am seeing that each thing involves my "heart". I say it's my heart, because that's right where I feel it - the center of my chest, deep inside me. When something REALLY hurts - I feel it drop. When I love someone or when I care for someone and I hug him or her, I feel my heart beat faster, and it feels like there's this glow of energy.

GODDAMNIT! So, I just took a 20 minute break from writing this because I got a phone call saying I qualified for a Federal Grant. Mom gave me the phone and left the room. Stupid me gave them my checking account number - it had to have been a scam. Fucking hindsight. So yeah - that crap feeling I was describing? Multiply it by 10, please.


***edited to add the following snippet of amusing internet conversation:
Lindsay: oh man
L: I leave tomorrow morning
L: I still have to go to the bank
Chase: haha
L: get new glasses
C: lord
C: i still have to get my license
L: refill my Birth Control
L: I haven't even started packing yet
L: I have to go to the post office
L: and I am incredibly blazed right now.
L: yeah
L: .......awesome
C: LOL. awesome indeed.
L: yeah
L: I just smoked a bowl in my room
L: for the first time ever
L: lol
L: last day of summer.
C: hahaha. nice.
L: mmm...INCREDIBLE