recordandplay

Wow, so tomorrow night I am going to see Jeremy *I think*. We talked briefly yesterday and decided to meet at 9 - but he was pretty baked. He'll remember - he's pumped about Outland - and I sort of am, too.

I am so apprehensive about this weekend. My friend, Christine, is right - I am such a fatalistic thinker. Last week I was really worried when I left Jeremy, I spent 3 days freaking out. Then I talked to him that Wednesday and felt better. But when I got to Columbus Friday night - no one knew where he was. I immediately figured he was avoiding me. I ended up not seeing him that night - and had come to terms with the fact that I probably just wouldn't see him at all. Then I bumped into him the next day on High Street and we spent the entire weekend together - and it was awesome. Such fun! But for a while - I let my mind go wild, and I thought he hated me.
Same thing as right now...I know he wants to hang out with me this weekend, I know he wants to go to Outland, which automatically means horny and happy. But I worry - what if he doesn't want me around? It's the last time I am sure to see him until HALLO-FREAKING-WEEN. And even then I worry that he won't come up. What the hell is my problem!?
I think I just need to meet someone new. Someone who I mean something to...what a concept. Jeremy is awesome. I met him for a reason - and we both helped eachother through some crazy shit without even realizing it. But, I could never be in a real relationship with him. I know that. He knows that. We are such good friends now, and he has proved to me that I am not as ugly as I think I am. Guys (and girls) do dig me. I met him for a reason. He's made me better. But, at the same time, I need someone to care. I need to meet people this fall or I am going to lose it. I'll be rounding 20 years, which is still very young. But never a boyfriend - Jeremy's the closest thing to that. I think that's why I am so apprehensive about seeing him for this last time.

I listened to some Radiohead today and found that "High and Dry" is totally the song for my feelings:
Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry


*on a side note, 15 minutes later* I just put together a killer getup for tomorrow night. If he doesn't want me, someone will I have to admit...I have a lot of goth in me, a lot of dork, and a lot of hippy. I could never completely go one way - but sometimes it's fun for a night. I make a cute goth girl - I'll try to get a picture.

Sorry for the lame nature of this entry, but it's a symptom of the pathetic state I am in right now.

ALSO - completely unrelated. I bought the shit for my bathroom at the apartment today. It's fucking awesome - again, worthy of a picture. I'll take one and post in in about 8 days WHEN I MOVE IN, BIOTCHES! (that smile kind of reminds me on chin pokemon)