recidivi5t

i got my recovered hard drive back -

got my sound files & my music, plus some old photos of ladykier for posterity's sake, plus some old words that i wrote years ago.

i'm going to tiptoe thru the new year, so i don't awaken the beast within, i think. he's always bigger than i remember, too. things have been fucked up.

to change the subject, i just feel like talking about my grandfather...i saw him last week. physically, he's as strong as an ox for an 88year old. he plays tennis everyday...but his mind is going. it was slow at first, but now it's picking up speed and more disastrous, like a mudslide. he is caught in a moment yrs ago, in meximieux france, in 1944...and constantly discusses his fears, feelings, his actions, and the dizzying height of his experience in that moment, young, alone, and perfect...at war. it used to be something that would come up every now and again, but now, he returns to it quickly, spinning 'round the wheel. he's caught in his web of moments, like a spider trapped in his own silk. i'm going to visit him again, soon. he turns into a child at the sight of my face...his smile, and the flicker in his eyes when he recognizes me...it's such an unconditional love he reveals to me without the security & armor of his former lifelong consciousness & personality that it touches me deeply...i feel i don't deserve it...but i want to spend some time with him, to take care of him, to fill up my well of memories while i can.