rebeldogg

The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land
Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky:
A man lies and dreams of green fields and rivers,
But awakes to a morning with no reason for waking
He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise
In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise
He's chained forever to a world that's departed
It's not enough, it's not enough
His blood has frozen & curdled with fright
His knees have trembled & given way in the night
His hand has weakened at the moment of truth
His step has faltered
One world, one soul
Time pass, the river rolls
And he talks to the river of lost love and dedication
And silent replies that swirl invitation
Flow dark and troubled to an oily sea
A grim intimation of what is to be
There's an unceasing wind that blows through this night
And there's dust in my eyes, that blinds my sight
And silence that speaks so much louder that words,
Of promises broken

- Pink Floyd -- "Sorrow"

I'm so fucking pissed off right now. I couldn't sleep, so I decided to call my mom. It's two hours later in New Orleans, so I figured she'd be up.

I wanted to ask her about my Suburban that I'd been trying to sell before I left home. I had to do some work on it before I could sell it, so I ended up not getting it sold before I left. I asked her to get me a cheap "For Sale" sign and slap it on there, since I never got around to getting it myself, and when someone finally bought it she could mail me up the money. She agreed.

I just called to ask her about the truck, since it's been a while and I never heard anything, only to find out that they never even put a sign on it.

In fact, they brought it to a junk yard to get it out of the front of the house.

I was relying on that fucking money. I've got almost very little money and no job and no fucking car up here. Part of the reason I'm so broke is because I spent money on that damn truck trying to get it fixed up.

I just fucking hung up on her and cut off my cell phone before I started yelling and cursing at her.

I wouldn't mind just cutting off all relations with my family in some ways, but I don't know. It's still family. Even if you do hate them sometimes.

But the real reason I have to be careful is she still has my half stack and my keyboard down there. The last two things I have left of my equipment. Everything else was sold, and I'd be sick if she did something with those last two things.

FUCK!!!!

I needed that goddamn money. The best prospect I've had at a job so far is some minimum wage plus commision bullshit job at Guitar Center... I fucking hate Guitar Center... well, I hated the one back home. I just don't trust this one. It's about half the size of the other one. In my experience, though, smaller music places are usually better. But here do you look at the physical size of the store, or the size of the whole chain of stores? Either way, it's a bullshit job. But at least it'd be money.

Shit, I havn't even applied yet. The dude in the store just seemed eager to recruit me.

Goddamn I'd kill for a nice nug right about now. I think that's why I've been so off lately. And why I havn't been playing (guitar) as much. I havn't really smoked weed in a while. I really miss it.

I used to smoke way too much, but that's behind me. I just like to toke up now and again...and again... and...

Anyway, I just want to sit back with a nice bowl of some at least descent schwag and smoke. Chill out with some cool people and listen to some good music. Talk about crazy shit. Maybe watch a movie or something.

SexyBeast said he doesn't want me smoking while I'm up here, and I've given it some thought.

But the conclusion that I came to was it would be going to much against myself and what I believe if I just gave it up. I mean, I don't think he'd even take it seriously if I said he should give up alchohol. I understand that he doesn't really understand weed or anything about marijuana culture and that he and urblueygrl don't like any drugs. And for that reason I've got enough respect to not bring anything into the house. And I won't touch any of the hard shit I used to fuck with... well... I might eat a tab or drop acid on rare occasion. Just not to excess like I used to. But that's just for artistic and spiritual reasons. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But I really just want to smoke. If it were legal, I don't even think I'd drink. I don't even really like to drink that much. Back when I smoked a lot, I rarely drank. I hate myself when I drink. I just get depressed and goofy. I get in fights or just make an ass out of myself.

Weed just makes me feel good when smoked in moderation. I might act a little goofy or catch myself doing/saying something stupid, but nothing as bad as when I drink. And over all it's just a better feeling with less severe side effects.

I don't know. I think when I smoked too much weed I was more depressed. But when I don't smoke at all, I'm just as depressed. I just need to smoke a little now and then. Just chill the way I like to, with a small number of cool people. No stress, no wild shit. Just chill. Talk about good things, like music. Keep the vibes good, you know. No politics or religion or anything like that.

Because right at this moment I just feel like sticking a fucking gun barrel against the roof of my mouth and saying "fuck it."

Oh, well. At least I've still got you, Foxy!