Heyyyyyooo! Greetings, SGLand!
I am using my partner's Mac & it would not let me upload the photos from my recent shoot with Jerni Productions for Dark Beauty Magazine into one album at one time, so I uploaded them separately from my phone. I hope you enjoy them! : )
I hope everyone has had a pleasant start to their new calendar year.
Disclaimer: This blog will make you very sad at first, but then it will make you very happy : )
As you may know, I was having a very rough couple of days just before & up to NYE; I couldn't find the motivation to get out of bed, eat, or talk (unless it was to my kitten). I have bipolar depression (& PTSD, & OCD, etc.) and something was said that triggered a very hard episode for me.
As I mentioned in my previous blog, I have missed many annual celebrations & festivities- particularly fun holiday ones- due to crippling mental disorders in the past, and even though I didn't feel well enough to attend, it felt even worse to know that all of my loved ones (friends- not so much fam) were together, sharing in old memories and making new ones together, while I stayed home alone & without.
I believe that what has always made holidays the hardest, is that I have never gotten along with my family. The fact that my immediate family did not realize/think to take care of my mental conditions until I was in my 20s did not help at all (with the exception of my OCD, thank goodness they sought help for that about the age of 9. My mom found me crying in the hall one day, furiously touching my bedroom doorknob all over, crying out that I could not "touch it the right way" in order to leave). My father did not have a good relationship with his family growing up, & suffered brain damage when I was about 6, and it is reflected in our relationship. So, I always felt extremely uncomfortable at family functions- awkward, and like I didn't belong. Needless to say, I never looked forward to any holiday that called for a family get-together.
Also, two NYEs ago, we went to one of my partners' friend's house parties. It was all of the neighborhood kids that had grown up together and moved away. They came back, and were busy catching up in intimate groups. My partner had to go attend to some business, and I was left alone with a room full of strangers. Usually I am totally cool in those situations, I love meeting new people, but that party was very different, and I felt very alone, awkward, and sad. By the end of the night, I had one girl to hang out with, but that memory overall has left a very bad taste in my mouth.
So, this year, the plan was to go to another friend's house party- as you can imagine, I was apprehensive. The thought of it put a knot in my stomach, but the thought of staying in bed, fighting my health and happiness, and missing another good time with friends was enough to get me up and moving. Thank goodness I was able to get my stomach to digest a bit of food, and get my other bodily functions going enough to leave the house.
Upon walking into the party, I smiled, waved, & announced "Hi everyone! I'm Nicole! : )" No response. I mean literally, a whole table of people that just stared sourly at me with tight lipped judgement. I am pretty sure a few of them stopped breathing just to spite me. My stomach had that knot feeling again, but we were there, and I wasn't going to let some assholes ruin my night. My make-up was on point, I got out of bed that day, & I am friendly, dammit!
I soon came to find out that the sour faced people were actually being assholes to everyone- they were just stiffs with a stick up their butt. I realized I knew about half the people, met some new ones, and had the best night I have had in a long time! I laughed the entire night away into the morning- laughs that can knock you over. and put tears in your eyes, but you don't mind. Even more, I made a girl friend! It has been hard not having a girl to go to to just be a chick with sometimes! (Side note: I hate when some girls say "I ONLY get along with guys blah blah blah." To me, that says something right away. If you are proud to not be friends with women, that is judgmental, to me. Even if you do get along predominantly with men, sometimes you really DO need a chick to just chick out with!)
So, this year has been different. I moved in with my partner, and family is a big part of his/their life. They have a very close, unconditionally loving family. His parents are my best friends, and his siblings are just as well, we always enjoy belly laughs when we are together. Aside from our NYE celebration, all of our Christmas and second-Christmas celebrations (getting together with fam that couldn't be present physically on Xmas) have filled me with absolute love, I feel like a hot air balloon. I finally feel like I have a family that I belong to, that I can go to when I am seeking help, that will love me no matter what. And it has been a wonderful feeling.
A note- The girl that I met at the party confided in me that she had gone into a fit of serious bipolar depression the same days that I had, and I came to find out that my sister in law had been feeling particularly low & emotional as well during the same tine period. So, my guess is, that it must have been in the stars! Anyone else feel really weird the couple days leading into NYE?
If you do not have a supportive/loving family, or you have not had the merriest of holidays, I am sending you the tightest and warmest of all hugs. Know that what they believe or say does not in any way convey your true worth, that you are loved and appreciated no matter what. You always have a community you can look to when things are rough. I am thankful for the people who have come to my rescue, and I will gladly do the same for my fellow person. <3
Okay, I am done for now, I leave you with all of the love & cat kisses in the world! <3 <3 <3
