MORE.....
Christ, I haven't done an entry for sooooo long....
It's been non stop work since i last reported in. Running from venue to venue ... It's like being an 82nd airborne paratrooper. You don't ask questions you just jump right into it. Quebec house, David lam , The Vancouver Art Gallery, back to one then to the other... 4 hours rest... a night here... QET for Dance show after dance show... Back to Quebec house and they're still not finished. The playhouse for a 12 hour strike ( and then everyone needs more crew...!!! ) and back to the art gallery again...I'm this automaton for the Olympics... this city is festooned with productions and gear and stuff and shit... I want to leave this town so bad... I think of what life was like and it slaps me hard from Facebook... Geoff Loyd has died... ( he killed himself no less...there a memorial at the Asbolt.. that new old, new punk dive bar...I go there and their they all are... MGB it was almost a Matt Good Band reunion... but everyone showed up at odd moments....It would have been so cool even though it was.. without that moment... because everyone one was there for someone we knew. someone we loved... not this rich, snob, self congratulatory, sport fascism... party. It was this real given to me ( Us ) moment....
I wrote in the guest book after speaking to his sister..... And I let him go as I let myself off the hook... And remembered what a wonderful PERSON Geoff was... is to me. And how few really good people I knew back then that I still talk to....
It made me think of Boston....How I walked the streets that first day till my feet were sour... Eating lobster in a bar on my own.. And how I thought about everyone ... feeling so alone but glad I was away.
That thing turned a few moments on it head... that trip to Boston. I asked questions I couldn't ask her in person..... As up until that moment we'd never been together in person. But, we'd said so much to each other over the years thru Cyberspace.. That emotional ether... there was one moment it gave me courage...and I asked her if I could kiss her... and she said yes....
It was a wonderful night where I was touched.... I never remember being touched by women... ( whenI look back usually...) I remember ME wanting them, chatting withor TO them, ME hitting on them, ME wanting to kiss them and somehow there far away from what I define as me.... I turned it all on its tail... And she kissed me... she did more than that ...From her I felt this new experience... this experience of being desired without expectation that I desire back... I've never known what its like to be an object without remorse, guilt or expectation or deep responsiblit before... I just let her touch me, explore me.... and let it happen.... And enjoyed this new closeness that seem to just have to happen.
And I realize... I ... with all those FEW women... I remember wanting.... But being wanted? I only sensed that this fall... And I know one thing ...I want more.
Christ, I haven't done an entry for sooooo long....
It's been non stop work since i last reported in. Running from venue to venue ... It's like being an 82nd airborne paratrooper. You don't ask questions you just jump right into it. Quebec house, David lam , The Vancouver Art Gallery, back to one then to the other... 4 hours rest... a night here... QET for Dance show after dance show... Back to Quebec house and they're still not finished. The playhouse for a 12 hour strike ( and then everyone needs more crew...!!! ) and back to the art gallery again...I'm this automaton for the Olympics... this city is festooned with productions and gear and stuff and shit... I want to leave this town so bad... I think of what life was like and it slaps me hard from Facebook... Geoff Loyd has died... ( he killed himself no less...there a memorial at the Asbolt.. that new old, new punk dive bar...I go there and their they all are... MGB it was almost a Matt Good Band reunion... but everyone showed up at odd moments....It would have been so cool even though it was.. without that moment... because everyone one was there for someone we knew. someone we loved... not this rich, snob, self congratulatory, sport fascism... party. It was this real given to me ( Us ) moment....
I wrote in the guest book after speaking to his sister..... And I let him go as I let myself off the hook... And remembered what a wonderful PERSON Geoff was... is to me. And how few really good people I knew back then that I still talk to....
It made me think of Boston....How I walked the streets that first day till my feet were sour... Eating lobster in a bar on my own.. And how I thought about everyone ... feeling so alone but glad I was away.
That thing turned a few moments on it head... that trip to Boston. I asked questions I couldn't ask her in person..... As up until that moment we'd never been together in person. But, we'd said so much to each other over the years thru Cyberspace.. That emotional ether... there was one moment it gave me courage...and I asked her if I could kiss her... and she said yes....
It was a wonderful night where I was touched.... I never remember being touched by women... ( whenI look back usually...) I remember ME wanting them, chatting withor TO them, ME hitting on them, ME wanting to kiss them and somehow there far away from what I define as me.... I turned it all on its tail... And she kissed me... she did more than that ...From her I felt this new experience... this experience of being desired without expectation that I desire back... I've never known what its like to be an object without remorse, guilt or expectation or deep responsiblit before... I just let her touch me, explore me.... and let it happen.... And enjoyed this new closeness that seem to just have to happen.
And I realize... I ... with all those FEW women... I remember wanting.... But being wanted? I only sensed that this fall... And I know one thing ...I want more.