One Step Ahead...
Catherine and I are now just friends...I'm saddened by the change as I was having the best sex with her that I've ever known. But, I can't force a relationship of any type on someone who doesn't want it. And, manipulation of any type for self gratifing sex goes against my desire to leave a wonderful women better than I found her.
Making time for me was causing her anxiety, I guess by starting to come across as too much of a Boyfriend. As I've never been in a "Friends with Benefits" relationship I had nothing to go on and was just enjoying the incredible sexual connection and trying to give back where I could. Last month, Catherine mentioned joining me on a planned NYC trip in Sept. Which filled my soul with the idea of, what I thought was just a fun, summer fling becoming much more. As I was experiencing what I understood as amazing Girlfriend interest from her. I in turn started doing even more nice BF things ( buying meals, little tokens and stuff more ) as a thank you for all the wonderful attention, which I realise I've sorrily missed over the last few years.
As Catherine saw no future to the relationship, and the idea of hurting me if it went on further. She asked for it to end. But, she still wanted to be friends. The very thought that I would cause anxiety to someone who's been so giving of her heart and body made it obvious that it had to end, even if I was against the change. I told her I'd need some time to sort out my feelings and that I would find it hard to talk to her at work for a while. That upset her, but I hoped she'd understand.
The next day I found out from my niece that my sister's Chronic illness was becoming a grave issue, one that probably threatens her life in the near future. SO, while trying to be there for my niece. I was also dealing with my own emotional fallout... Then Catherine IM's me about her work issues ( her telling me that we were over, was now stressing her out at work. And she felt even more terrible for hurting me... ) Having no outlet any more for my own feelings, I promptly developed a terrible cold. Making it impossible to visit my sister or my niece on my one day off from Les MIs. As a common cold could complicate my sisters forlorn hope for any recovery.
I can't remember the last time I've been this sad about life in general. Everywhere my mind turns I feel, sense loss... The loss of immediate pleasure and absolute extasy with Catherine, makes me feel like a once starving man being fed perfect delicacies and then told to leave.
The idea of my sister leaving us forever is even more profoundly disturbing. She's been Ill for a very long time from years of prior drug abuse, but it still pains me as much as it must my niece. Who I know just wants to have a Mum. As all I wanted was to have a sister.
To cope with my sister during all those painful times before her illness. After I'd be called when she' O'D'ed or was found somewhere. Or running from dealers and sobering up at my place. I've always tried to remember her as my little sister the Junior high school athelete. Even though that was so many years ago, it's the best memory I have of her before the drugs, overdoses, and embarassing Police and Ambulance visits late at night to my parents houses, before I moved out and tried to deal with me.
Not to mention visiting back there with Girlfriends during the tension filled, family holidays. Sitting there pretending to be "The Normals". When I all felt was like we were dining on a huge buried, ticking bomb. Memories of her young, toned and bronzed from the summer sun as she high jumped on an ashfield track at school always took me back to a better place. But, they just don't work anymore as my sister slowly wastes away in an isolation ward.
I try to focus on the show... keep every one in the beam of my follow-spot and do my job. I'm amazed that I can... My mind wanders too much. Either to the bright, pretty girl below in the orchestra, who I wish would still let me be held by her.. if only for a while. To my sister who may leave this earth before I return to the theatre for White Christmas.. And I know that holding her won't help her at all. To my niece, who will be the only part left of my sister to hold one day.
The women backstage try to listen and comfort me as they can. Giving me advice and support about women, when I almost broke down in the greenroom from all the pressure of the week. "Be strong and there for your sister and niece".. "stay aloof with the pretty girl".. "it's her loss". I don't know if I can be the former.. And I hate the idea of the latter. As neither advice gives me any comfort.
The only three things that do are, I feel lucky that Catherine let me have an experience I have always dreamed of since my teens. Since that very moment I knew that I wanted to make love to woman. And, I know deep inside my sister that even though she stressed our family to the breaking point, she did love us. She just never loved herself enough to stop doing the drugs that pushed her away. And I have to give my Niece all the love, that soon my sister will not be able to.
Thease are the things that keep me one step ahead of it all....
Catherine and I are now just friends...I'm saddened by the change as I was having the best sex with her that I've ever known. But, I can't force a relationship of any type on someone who doesn't want it. And, manipulation of any type for self gratifing sex goes against my desire to leave a wonderful women better than I found her.
Making time for me was causing her anxiety, I guess by starting to come across as too much of a Boyfriend. As I've never been in a "Friends with Benefits" relationship I had nothing to go on and was just enjoying the incredible sexual connection and trying to give back where I could. Last month, Catherine mentioned joining me on a planned NYC trip in Sept. Which filled my soul with the idea of, what I thought was just a fun, summer fling becoming much more. As I was experiencing what I understood as amazing Girlfriend interest from her. I in turn started doing even more nice BF things ( buying meals, little tokens and stuff more ) as a thank you for all the wonderful attention, which I realise I've sorrily missed over the last few years.
As Catherine saw no future to the relationship, and the idea of hurting me if it went on further. She asked for it to end. But, she still wanted to be friends. The very thought that I would cause anxiety to someone who's been so giving of her heart and body made it obvious that it had to end, even if I was against the change. I told her I'd need some time to sort out my feelings and that I would find it hard to talk to her at work for a while. That upset her, but I hoped she'd understand.
The next day I found out from my niece that my sister's Chronic illness was becoming a grave issue, one that probably threatens her life in the near future. SO, while trying to be there for my niece. I was also dealing with my own emotional fallout... Then Catherine IM's me about her work issues ( her telling me that we were over, was now stressing her out at work. And she felt even more terrible for hurting me... ) Having no outlet any more for my own feelings, I promptly developed a terrible cold. Making it impossible to visit my sister or my niece on my one day off from Les MIs. As a common cold could complicate my sisters forlorn hope for any recovery.
I can't remember the last time I've been this sad about life in general. Everywhere my mind turns I feel, sense loss... The loss of immediate pleasure and absolute extasy with Catherine, makes me feel like a once starving man being fed perfect delicacies and then told to leave.
The idea of my sister leaving us forever is even more profoundly disturbing. She's been Ill for a very long time from years of prior drug abuse, but it still pains me as much as it must my niece. Who I know just wants to have a Mum. As all I wanted was to have a sister.
To cope with my sister during all those painful times before her illness. After I'd be called when she' O'D'ed or was found somewhere. Or running from dealers and sobering up at my place. I've always tried to remember her as my little sister the Junior high school athelete. Even though that was so many years ago, it's the best memory I have of her before the drugs, overdoses, and embarassing Police and Ambulance visits late at night to my parents houses, before I moved out and tried to deal with me.
Not to mention visiting back there with Girlfriends during the tension filled, family holidays. Sitting there pretending to be "The Normals". When I all felt was like we were dining on a huge buried, ticking bomb. Memories of her young, toned and bronzed from the summer sun as she high jumped on an ashfield track at school always took me back to a better place. But, they just don't work anymore as my sister slowly wastes away in an isolation ward.
I try to focus on the show... keep every one in the beam of my follow-spot and do my job. I'm amazed that I can... My mind wanders too much. Either to the bright, pretty girl below in the orchestra, who I wish would still let me be held by her.. if only for a while. To my sister who may leave this earth before I return to the theatre for White Christmas.. And I know that holding her won't help her at all. To my niece, who will be the only part left of my sister to hold one day.
The women backstage try to listen and comfort me as they can. Giving me advice and support about women, when I almost broke down in the greenroom from all the pressure of the week. "Be strong and there for your sister and niece".. "stay aloof with the pretty girl".. "it's her loss". I don't know if I can be the former.. And I hate the idea of the latter. As neither advice gives me any comfort.
The only three things that do are, I feel lucky that Catherine let me have an experience I have always dreamed of since my teens. Since that very moment I knew that I wanted to make love to woman. And, I know deep inside my sister that even though she stressed our family to the breaking point, she did love us. She just never loved herself enough to stop doing the drugs that pushed her away. And I have to give my Niece all the love, that soon my sister will not be able to.
Thease are the things that keep me one step ahead of it all....