Loss Of Self....
One of the reason I always work ever Xmas is the fear of loss of self. Christmas is a trying time for those who have no deep connections with another special human being. The stigma of being alone...part of the fault is western society. We build what is just a a winter celibration up from nothing..... We expect connection where there never was one for real. And we keep wanting. Like some poor kid on Christmas morning that never gets that toy.
If I was a caveman I'd be lucky to be alive any winter. So.... I'm alone...again. big deal. I've been here before. No deep love for me. usually I'm O.k. with this... I fight the loneliness with thoughts of working on shows and helping entertain little kids and families. But, a few drinks after work find me alone in some drug store looking for stuff I need. Toothpaste... eye juice. While carols play in the background . I 'm alone in the place and I immediately blame the ever non present HER. And, unfortunately a trip to my little Volkswagen finds it dead to the world. Battery died... Next thing I know I'm crying...One tiny sense of failure. That thin skinned section between the alone me and the harsh world collapses and I'm crying new tears.
But, really they're not so new.... As always... It's all left over shit from way back when. ( More than 12 years ago for christ sakes. ) But, here I am, writing once again about stuff I've been successful at avoiding so far.... writing about ( Her )
Because I keep telling myself I can't keep going over this crap. I can't keep wanting someone who's not worth wanting. I can't keep wanting revenge over someone I took revenge on ( really... you only get one shot at revenge... And the story I have of that revenge is really good let me tell you... - but that's not where I'm really supposed to be going to anymore. ) And It's pointless. Worse in it's extremes it drags me down.
( Really,... thinking of her in those moments of weekness.) It's a habit. Like a drug I keep taking to keep me somewhere I still strangely like but hate. I wonder if somewhere, there's a, "former lovers of Sex addicts " group out there that I can talk this over with. find a better coping mechanism that gets her finally for once out of my brain and heart.
But before I find that key... When all I really have to do is cope. I have to remember all the times I did deal with this. And not fall into it. And chalk the times I didn't, up to that part of me that's still trying to figure this out. There's nothing wrong with that.
One of the reason I always work ever Xmas is the fear of loss of self. Christmas is a trying time for those who have no deep connections with another special human being. The stigma of being alone...part of the fault is western society. We build what is just a a winter celibration up from nothing..... We expect connection where there never was one for real. And we keep wanting. Like some poor kid on Christmas morning that never gets that toy.
If I was a caveman I'd be lucky to be alive any winter. So.... I'm alone...again. big deal. I've been here before. No deep love for me. usually I'm O.k. with this... I fight the loneliness with thoughts of working on shows and helping entertain little kids and families. But, a few drinks after work find me alone in some drug store looking for stuff I need. Toothpaste... eye juice. While carols play in the background . I 'm alone in the place and I immediately blame the ever non present HER. And, unfortunately a trip to my little Volkswagen finds it dead to the world. Battery died... Next thing I know I'm crying...One tiny sense of failure. That thin skinned section between the alone me and the harsh world collapses and I'm crying new tears.
But, really they're not so new.... As always... It's all left over shit from way back when. ( More than 12 years ago for christ sakes. ) But, here I am, writing once again about stuff I've been successful at avoiding so far.... writing about ( Her )
Because I keep telling myself I can't keep going over this crap. I can't keep wanting someone who's not worth wanting. I can't keep wanting revenge over someone I took revenge on ( really... you only get one shot at revenge... And the story I have of that revenge is really good let me tell you... - but that's not where I'm really supposed to be going to anymore. ) And It's pointless. Worse in it's extremes it drags me down.
( Really,... thinking of her in those moments of weekness.) It's a habit. Like a drug I keep taking to keep me somewhere I still strangely like but hate. I wonder if somewhere, there's a, "former lovers of Sex addicts " group out there that I can talk this over with. find a better coping mechanism that gets her finally for once out of my brain and heart.
But before I find that key... When all I really have to do is cope. I have to remember all the times I did deal with this. And not fall into it. And chalk the times I didn't, up to that part of me that's still trying to figure this out. There's nothing wrong with that.
wanderlustt:
You always write so beautifully, exemplifying the pain you're experiencing. Hugs. I hope you find something or someway to be happy about this season, SG and it's member's will always be there for you.
meshell:
