Lady Picture Show....
This week it's Peter Pan... Ironic really as my X just replied to one of my last posts. A post that's a copy of sections of a real letter to a new friend in Boston. This lovely woman who I've never met. But, I seem to tell everything to ( someone, who I haven't had that connection with at all since my X - And she was this bucket of lies in return. ) Opening myself up is really the biggest obstacle. One of those scary aspects that I always seem to bring to the table. That one real thing that's scared me off ever loving again. Often I fear, I frighten her off my friend in Boston.... But, amazingly she's still there every time we iChat .
( My X ? Her name is the name of the protagonist in the current ballet. I'm trying not to reply to her response in that journal. Just try to let her go. If I can't forgive yet and I will never forget. At least I can prove some sort of control. As women hate it when you obsess about another woman, or any woman even themselves. Guy's? We don't care... as long as we're getting pussy. Really we'll put up with whatever - WHAT!!!! You think that's new news!!!! I'm an open, honest guy for Christ sakes... I'm willing to tell it how it is. Regardless of the fallout.)
When it comes to my X. I try now to think of her as I do during this show. As a name in a long list of Follow-spot pickup cues. I have to learn how to let go. I think if I do that...forgiveness might finally come after all thease years. - It's been so hard... it never comes. It's like peeling an onion, thinking of her. Each layer stings. And I stop. Drown my sorrows. Or ignore. And drink in some sort of pretend happiness. Meet a girl. Get a connection. And she in turn says something or shows something that leads me to believe that she's being duplicite. And I immediately disconnect. got home alone and be so angry.
Hell. I might as well give it a shot. Just letting go. I have so much work coming up. And calling steward responsibilities. I can submerge myself into them with even more gusto. It's just that, I've tried so many times and it's always led me to bitterness. And there's not much one can do with bitterness. Other than swallow the years to deal with the pain. Or, occasionally , when drunk... lash out... and regret. But, at least I do it now for the right reasons. Not some sort of expectation of return. For how can one ask for return, from some one who habitually took. Selfish out of spite. Or some other malady.
But, forget all that... as I have to. And, back on topic..... Ballet B.C. There's something so very lovely about ballet. ( yes... I'm straight.. and they're extremely fit girls back stage - One in particular, this creamy white skinned, curly haired red head who warms up and does the practice bar off and upstage to the side. Petite and wide eyed. Young and and fresh. Part of the ensemble. With a cherry round face and large, searching bright blue eyes.
She looks down every time I try to meet her gaze, when I'm backstage.. Follow-spot keys in hand, heading for front of house. Watching her warm up. I find my gaze transfixed at the broad smooth incandescent creamy skin punctuated by those really well defined muscles that dancers cultivate. On the ones that play across her shoulder blades and down. There's this otherness... this oddness to her. A mystery. For she has thease burn scars. Blasting across her right side. over her shoulder and down her side. Pretty girls are cute. But, this girl makes me wonder..... But, for years I've been so scared of that wonder. As It's gotten me into a world of hurt.
can I deal with pain? that's the real question. regardless of friends or X 's past. Can I see past her, any her veneer? Have the courage to persevere. Find the eternal within, that place where we overlap.
But I really want ask..... Are we not the same? If you see me it will not hurt. If you touch me it will be pleasurable. But, if you cut me I will bleed....
This week it's Peter Pan... Ironic really as my X just replied to one of my last posts. A post that's a copy of sections of a real letter to a new friend in Boston. This lovely woman who I've never met. But, I seem to tell everything to ( someone, who I haven't had that connection with at all since my X - And she was this bucket of lies in return. ) Opening myself up is really the biggest obstacle. One of those scary aspects that I always seem to bring to the table. That one real thing that's scared me off ever loving again. Often I fear, I frighten her off my friend in Boston.... But, amazingly she's still there every time we iChat .
( My X ? Her name is the name of the protagonist in the current ballet. I'm trying not to reply to her response in that journal. Just try to let her go. If I can't forgive yet and I will never forget. At least I can prove some sort of control. As women hate it when you obsess about another woman, or any woman even themselves. Guy's? We don't care... as long as we're getting pussy. Really we'll put up with whatever - WHAT!!!! You think that's new news!!!! I'm an open, honest guy for Christ sakes... I'm willing to tell it how it is. Regardless of the fallout.)
When it comes to my X. I try now to think of her as I do during this show. As a name in a long list of Follow-spot pickup cues. I have to learn how to let go. I think if I do that...forgiveness might finally come after all thease years. - It's been so hard... it never comes. It's like peeling an onion, thinking of her. Each layer stings. And I stop. Drown my sorrows. Or ignore. And drink in some sort of pretend happiness. Meet a girl. Get a connection. And she in turn says something or shows something that leads me to believe that she's being duplicite. And I immediately disconnect. got home alone and be so angry.
Hell. I might as well give it a shot. Just letting go. I have so much work coming up. And calling steward responsibilities. I can submerge myself into them with even more gusto. It's just that, I've tried so many times and it's always led me to bitterness. And there's not much one can do with bitterness. Other than swallow the years to deal with the pain. Or, occasionally , when drunk... lash out... and regret. But, at least I do it now for the right reasons. Not some sort of expectation of return. For how can one ask for return, from some one who habitually took. Selfish out of spite. Or some other malady.
But, forget all that... as I have to. And, back on topic..... Ballet B.C. There's something so very lovely about ballet. ( yes... I'm straight.. and they're extremely fit girls back stage - One in particular, this creamy white skinned, curly haired red head who warms up and does the practice bar off and upstage to the side. Petite and wide eyed. Young and and fresh. Part of the ensemble. With a cherry round face and large, searching bright blue eyes.
She looks down every time I try to meet her gaze, when I'm backstage.. Follow-spot keys in hand, heading for front of house. Watching her warm up. I find my gaze transfixed at the broad smooth incandescent creamy skin punctuated by those really well defined muscles that dancers cultivate. On the ones that play across her shoulder blades and down. There's this otherness... this oddness to her. A mystery. For she has thease burn scars. Blasting across her right side. over her shoulder and down her side. Pretty girls are cute. But, this girl makes me wonder..... But, for years I've been so scared of that wonder. As It's gotten me into a world of hurt.
can I deal with pain? that's the real question. regardless of friends or X 's past. Can I see past her, any her veneer? Have the courage to persevere. Find the eternal within, that place where we overlap.
But I really want ask.....
Are we not the same? If you see me it will not hurt. If you touch me it will be pleasurable. But, if you cut me I will bleed....VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
bedwelld:
Sometimes even when we know what we should do we make the wrong decision anyway. You're not in that boat alone. If you've tried everything else and you it doesn't bring some closure maybe walking away might be best. I know how it is to try to walk away but then some how get sucked back in. Then get pissed at yourself for getting back into a shitty situation. Thanks for the advice and good luck with your X.
suziq:
23 is not young, it's old! 