Company....
The show, Company is way better than I thought it would be. Most of that has to do with the cast. Very easy going, fun, but professional. And, finally for what seems like the first time ever. We have the exact amount of cast for the big musical. ( No one playing two different parts ) So, they're all in top form and really into it. And our leads... Especially the guy who plays our protagonist, Bobby. really kicks ass ( It's funny how straight guys can't compliment each other without feeling awkward... I know I can't )
There was this moment in act 2 while we were teching the show. The work lights were up as we were still working transitions. And Matt was just singing about the fear and the desire about being in a relationship. Being courageous about being vulnerable with another person and tempting rejection. And I just got that shiver up my spine that I usually get when beautiful women sing in the beam of my spotlight... And this was to an almost empty theatre under ugly work lights. We have our first audience tomorrow night and I can't wait for that solo....
The other fantastic thing is.....the deck crew isn't overworked. Just the right number for backstage. Which I'm happy about. As I won't have to have that uncomfortable argument with Management. Where I come across as either some lazy Commie stagehand or a worry wort who gets no backing from stage-management. Sadly, I'm the only spot op which makes some of the songs with two singers in it look odd. That's my only bitch. Our L.D. is trying every trick in the book to cover that lack of crew. And I'll bet all the extra work that's being done to cover that one less person is probably close to just paying another guy and having another spot person. It's not my call though...
Most importantly and kind of sad in reflection. Our regular Stage Carpenter is on vacation. He's this young kid, with no College or even apprentice training who lucked his way into a job where he's basically the theatre's kicking dog. Because all of us the senior guys wouldn't apply for the job, due to management's high expectations for the position when originally posted, the low pay for the expectation of performance, and the big one for me from experience. Almost no ability to make show crewing recommendations.
The poor kid, He's this strict vegan, tea-totaler Libertarian who was home schooled by his professor parents. So,I don't think he even attend high-school, or was allowed to watch T.V. You know, go through that social pecking order, or have anything in common with any of us. To me, at times it seems his social skills are sort of out of whack. He condescends to us when he asks us to do things. And we're all 20 years older than him and have worked an toured all over the place. Then, the very next minute, he's really pleasant. The big problem is, he can't lead a crew to save his life right now cause he's so young. I mean, leaders aren't born, they're made. You watch others lead ans succeed or fail and your learn the process gradually. I remember having to explain to him what a show track was ( The stuff you do in order, the same way every show so you can work around each other in the dark, or at speed so no one gets hurt or screwed up. ) And how important it was for someone in his position to stick to it like glue, as he's our crew chief. And he looked at me like I was visiting from mars. And made some sort of comment as to how reality isn't by rote or perfect. And that random events happen. And for me that was the last straw.....I realized he's not interested in learning so why am I wasting my breath trying to teach him. let him paint himself into a corner, if that's how he wants to play at working backstage. I'm 40 and I'm not suffering fools anymore. If I fuck up, I own it. But, I'm not her to teach.
I really have no respect for the Jolly Jump Ups. I guess having grown up in a military family, trusting your leaders to actually learn how to lead, first is quite important to me. I feel my age most of all around him. Which I why I'm glad that this crew is all old regulars. there's an auto trust thing. I've worked hundreds of shows with the current casual crew... and we have this respect and short hand thing.
My E-friend Karen, in boston asked me. When I wrote to her about this show. "Why should men settle down?" I think it's more the dream of finding that someone you let in and share a life with. A simpatico a souls mate. Especially for men. We feel so deeply alone at many times. And we are expected to contain all feelings of any type. Especially loneliness. Which is one of the reasons why guys do the buddy thing within minutes over a beer, with a stranger, in a new bar. The desire for connections too great. And with sex out of the way cause it's not a woman. We can just connect with out that super-fear of rejection. A guy rejects or conversation? Just turn back to our beer and flirt with the bar maid. A woman? get rejected and it's like the social order has turned on you.
I miss letting someone in and feeling that otherness of being part of someone else's life. Visiting their extended family. Enjoying their Xmas celebrations, special moments. Having someone you have a sort of emotional, mental and physical shorthand with. Wendy used to finish my sentences, and I hers. I had a real love for her. And I had reason to love her. She was the very first woman who made me feel completely male. I lost my virginity to her. I would have died for this person. Which is probably why I was so hurt and angry when I finally realized not only that I'd been repeatedly cheated on and lied to. But, that she would never stop doing that, no matter how much she said she would. Or no matter how much I tried to stop her. I felt helpless. And more alone than I ever was before we met. Our connection felt like it was this falsehood, a sham. Like it was a play and I was this poor actor struggling to find reality and meaning to something that to her was just a shinny, holiday pageant. More to impress her family then to be with me.
Somehow, the idea of being with someone helps us be authentic. Like, when I'm on the personals or in a bar chatting up a woman. I'm a new story. An interesting purveyor of funny anecdotes. But, somehow not real. Women don't get me... (One women, who I told once I was a Stagehand to. Asked me where I drove stagecoaches around here. ) Whereas, when your really connecting with someone. That physical, spiritual, intellectual heat happens. And yes, it can be very animalistic. But, there's this ethereal quality to it. The heat of her.. the way she feels against my finger tips. That moment doesn't just happen on the outside. I feel her smooth hot skin it in my brain and in my heart and soul. And, as a single guy I've gone years now without that moment.
Right now I experience thin almost translucent slices of it.... Like that quick shiver up my back when our lead, who plays Bobby, sings the last chorus of.... I'm Ready.... right before the button at the end of this wonderful, beautiful song. All About making the leap of faith and being wanted and loved. And, the audience erupts in applause as the my follow-spot flares, as the background dims... and then my light dims to black.... I really can't wait for opening night.
I often think my connection to, wonder, god and immortality is in those moments now. And not with a special woman ever again. I've my hearts been too wounded, too tainted. And dreams of her will never reach reality. As they've failed so many times before I'm afraid to try again.
The show, Company is way better than I thought it would be. Most of that has to do with the cast. Very easy going, fun, but professional. And, finally for what seems like the first time ever. We have the exact amount of cast for the big musical. ( No one playing two different parts ) So, they're all in top form and really into it. And our leads... Especially the guy who plays our protagonist, Bobby. really kicks ass ( It's funny how straight guys can't compliment each other without feeling awkward... I know I can't )
There was this moment in act 2 while we were teching the show. The work lights were up as we were still working transitions. And Matt was just singing about the fear and the desire about being in a relationship. Being courageous about being vulnerable with another person and tempting rejection. And I just got that shiver up my spine that I usually get when beautiful women sing in the beam of my spotlight... And this was to an almost empty theatre under ugly work lights. We have our first audience tomorrow night and I can't wait for that solo....
The other fantastic thing is.....the deck crew isn't overworked. Just the right number for backstage. Which I'm happy about. As I won't have to have that uncomfortable argument with Management. Where I come across as either some lazy Commie stagehand or a worry wort who gets no backing from stage-management. Sadly, I'm the only spot op which makes some of the songs with two singers in it look odd. That's my only bitch. Our L.D. is trying every trick in the book to cover that lack of crew. And I'll bet all the extra work that's being done to cover that one less person is probably close to just paying another guy and having another spot person. It's not my call though...
Most importantly and kind of sad in reflection. Our regular Stage Carpenter is on vacation. He's this young kid, with no College or even apprentice training who lucked his way into a job where he's basically the theatre's kicking dog. Because all of us the senior guys wouldn't apply for the job, due to management's high expectations for the position when originally posted, the low pay for the expectation of performance, and the big one for me from experience. Almost no ability to make show crewing recommendations.
The poor kid, He's this strict vegan, tea-totaler Libertarian who was home schooled by his professor parents. So,I don't think he even attend high-school, or was allowed to watch T.V. You know, go through that social pecking order, or have anything in common with any of us. To me, at times it seems his social skills are sort of out of whack. He condescends to us when he asks us to do things. And we're all 20 years older than him and have worked an toured all over the place. Then, the very next minute, he's really pleasant. The big problem is, he can't lead a crew to save his life right now cause he's so young. I mean, leaders aren't born, they're made. You watch others lead ans succeed or fail and your learn the process gradually. I remember having to explain to him what a show track was ( The stuff you do in order, the same way every show so you can work around each other in the dark, or at speed so no one gets hurt or screwed up. ) And how important it was for someone in his position to stick to it like glue, as he's our crew chief. And he looked at me like I was visiting from mars. And made some sort of comment as to how reality isn't by rote or perfect. And that random events happen. And for me that was the last straw.....I realized he's not interested in learning so why am I wasting my breath trying to teach him. let him paint himself into a corner, if that's how he wants to play at working backstage. I'm 40 and I'm not suffering fools anymore. If I fuck up, I own it. But, I'm not her to teach.
I really have no respect for the Jolly Jump Ups. I guess having grown up in a military family, trusting your leaders to actually learn how to lead, first is quite important to me. I feel my age most of all around him. Which I why I'm glad that this crew is all old regulars. there's an auto trust thing. I've worked hundreds of shows with the current casual crew... and we have this respect and short hand thing.
My E-friend Karen, in boston asked me. When I wrote to her about this show. "Why should men settle down?" I think it's more the dream of finding that someone you let in and share a life with. A simpatico a souls mate. Especially for men. We feel so deeply alone at many times. And we are expected to contain all feelings of any type. Especially loneliness. Which is one of the reasons why guys do the buddy thing within minutes over a beer, with a stranger, in a new bar. The desire for connections too great. And with sex out of the way cause it's not a woman. We can just connect with out that super-fear of rejection. A guy rejects or conversation? Just turn back to our beer and flirt with the bar maid. A woman? get rejected and it's like the social order has turned on you.
I miss letting someone in and feeling that otherness of being part of someone else's life. Visiting their extended family. Enjoying their Xmas celebrations, special moments. Having someone you have a sort of emotional, mental and physical shorthand with. Wendy used to finish my sentences, and I hers. I had a real love for her. And I had reason to love her. She was the very first woman who made me feel completely male. I lost my virginity to her. I would have died for this person. Which is probably why I was so hurt and angry when I finally realized not only that I'd been repeatedly cheated on and lied to. But, that she would never stop doing that, no matter how much she said she would. Or no matter how much I tried to stop her. I felt helpless. And more alone than I ever was before we met. Our connection felt like it was this falsehood, a sham. Like it was a play and I was this poor actor struggling to find reality and meaning to something that to her was just a shinny, holiday pageant. More to impress her family then to be with me.
Somehow, the idea of being with someone helps us be authentic. Like, when I'm on the personals or in a bar chatting up a woman. I'm a new story. An interesting purveyor of funny anecdotes. But, somehow not real. Women don't get me... (One women, who I told once I was a Stagehand to. Asked me where I drove stagecoaches around here. ) Whereas, when your really connecting with someone. That physical, spiritual, intellectual heat happens. And yes, it can be very animalistic. But, there's this ethereal quality to it. The heat of her.. the way she feels against my finger tips. That moment doesn't just happen on the outside. I feel her smooth hot skin it in my brain and in my heart and soul. And, as a single guy I've gone years now without that moment.
Right now I experience thin almost translucent slices of it.... Like that quick shiver up my back when our lead, who plays Bobby, sings the last chorus of.... I'm Ready.... right before the button at the end of this wonderful, beautiful song. All About making the leap of faith and being wanted and loved. And, the audience erupts in applause as the my follow-spot flares, as the background dims... and then my light dims to black.... I really can't wait for opening night.
I often think my connection to, wonder, god and immortality is in those moments now. And not with a special woman ever again. I've my hearts been too wounded, too tainted. And dreams of her will never reach reality. As they've failed so many times before I'm afraid to try again.