(X) Someone who Loved you....
Where ever I go...there you are.... even when you are thankfully nowhere near here.....
Such is the way of modern living. One can never really escape another. We are each other's own personal hell. It's amazing how incisive Jean Paul Sarte was when he wrote, "Hell IS other people...." in response to his play No Exit. We act deep inside out ancient brains, developed over millennia to find shades of experience and understanding between the simple ideas of Fight or Flight. And reasoning it all on some sort of made up belief, ideal or instinct when confronted by someone. So we act...or react. Often wrong, out of stupidity, innocence, navet And, sadly we never truly know how that act will affect us or them or anyone else in the near or far future.
Like Monkeys playing with lasers...someone's going to get really hurt...no doubt about that.
Now that experience can be had in my living room via HTML at 2.6 Ghz. Type in a name, in a search engine and there they are. All in their shining, personal propaganda glory. Thankfully, we are smart about it, mostly search for fun. Looking for those we have found, or might find a real connection with. People we believe and have faith to have trust in. Those happy few fellow humans who will not hurt us for sport. Slowly building a new community.
But, every now and then a Name is typed, invoked out of boredom or thoughts of wonder. And that person appears. And with them, all those left over real feelings of pain, betrayal, and disappointment boil to the surface, like bile to the throat. And... She, who's name must not be spoken.
Is right there.
At this moment. I might wish for a miracle drug. like that one in, Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind. An erasure of all memory involving that person so the pain is taken away. Or an internal delete sequence. Hard wired to my memory. But, it's too true that my own human nature, that base instinct to follow my heart in matters of love, desire and connection would lead me straight back to that pain though another direction. With another person.
This is why reincarnation is such a daunting, frightening theory to me. And not to be taken on as a belief lightly, as if it's a fad. I.E. " I hurt YOU... but don't worry... Next time I'll be the nice one and you can screw ME over " It really means to be plagued in the moment and then in the next to re-live ones base essence. Upon multiple time-lines, with multiple choices, inside multiple existence's in real human feelings. til ones deepest soul learns complete disconnection from pain, suffering... maybe even love and true ecstasy. If my understanding of Buddhism is right, we, all of us begin our lives mired in the deepest, darkest personal interconnected shit. And all we can do is make choices and act. Pray that this time, with this choice, upon this act.... is the better one.
Which is why I chose to remind you of something you missed.....That is the interest in which you speak of, and pay forward til the end.