reagan

There is no logical reason that i should be bleeding from my girly region, around this time of the month again, and yet it started today.
It started out kind of funny that this happens every single Christmas day, but im beginning to feel like it might just happen now simply because jesus hates me and has been slightly misguided as to finding ways of punishing me. or perhaps its his way of saying 'fuck you. its my birthday, and i can do what i want.'

Christmas was decent. I woke up at 1pm to a Christmas call from shityeah, then went out to my grandmas living room and got to unwrap a present that ended up being a macro lens for my camera! my very first non-stock camera lens! i cant wait to use it. I also got an unexpected bundle of gifts from someone through SG. There wasnt a name on it, but there was a return address. (the thank you gift will be coming shortly, my SG secret santa friend) muhahaha

I've been feeling a bit crummy since i got back to new york. It was to be expected. Im back to feeling like i have very little direction and whatthefuckeverelse.
But ive luckily been surrounded by good people and kind emails from old and new favorite friends. I've never come home from a tour to a refrigerator stocked full of my favorite foods and drinks like foreign candy, white wine, kimchi, Kombucha, and bacon. Endless hugs, shitty horror movies, small dogs, cartoons, sentimental matchbooks, and handwritten letters are very pleasant things to have around, too.

I was beginning to think that my oldest and dearest friend from florida had begun to forget about me, before i found an email out of the blue to say things so uplifting that he almost made me cry onto my laptop. but i didnt. That wouldnt be a fair thing to do to my little powerbook that has surprisingly lasted me so long....that, and im not a pussy....yea....thats it.

Im still detoxing from the past 6 months of chaos. I can tell because instead of eating everything thats put in front of me just incase its the last time i get a chance to eat for a while, i have to figure out if im hungry or full before i dig in.
I have the ability to sleep through a majority of the day without the use of drugs.
I crave water, coffee, mascara, cigarettes, and white wine from the minute i wake up to the minute i go back to sleep.

I dont think im used to sitting in the same room as someone, that isnt sean or nixon, for long amounts of time anymore. My idea of bonding consists of talking to the person next to me, past my monitor....without eye contact, and a bottle of wine in my mouth. Most people are used to it about me, but i still get teased now that im home again. Being social has become extremely over rated, if you ask me.

I've recently come to find that anything im feeling, theres already a half way decent song about it. The soundtrack to my life, is a 2 disk compilation already.
While playing Helen Kane while drinking with Nixon, last week. Is there Anything Wrong In That, was playing and i had made a mental note to add it my the list of songs that could be used to describe myself. It was about the time that i was thinking this, that Nixon told me that it was like the song was written about me. Oh hilarity.

Fuck, dude. I dont know if im growing up, or getting ghey. but i cant seem to stop talking about my fucking feelings toward the past.
Someone please kick me in my emo-seamen filled testicles.